5 Things I'm Thinking Today

[Tinyflame]

No it wasn't your fault/ choice @MrMoonlight . :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I know the word, 'temporary' or disposable.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@MrMoonlight, you have provided comfort to many here. You are alive and cared for. You have often made me feel better, and I'm so glad you make the choice to live every day. Not just for me, but for you and everyone else.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I have to make the brooder today.
The Black Copper Marans will be here tomorrow.
I have to go to the store, but I have a big purple headless pimple on my nose, with swelling and the whole nose is red. There is not enough makeup in the world to cover it.
I am allowing myself to feel tired when I am.
I'm afraid since my kidney disease is worse.

 

[MrMoonlight]

Thank you @Junebug , Thank you @DharmaGirl . ?
If I had been stronger, wiser, older, mentally more stable, had I not given in to the isolation and checking out and giving up on life I may have been able to do something but I wasn't those things at the time. I was a young man, a boy really, she was a woman. I know these things intellectually through trauma work with my therapist but I may as well not because emotionally it takes me down and I can't stop the internal dialog. tears and snot flowing and I know I need to let myself do it. I know healing to some extent has to be done by allowing myself to feel these things but that is no solace.

 

[Tinyflame]

@MrMoonlight maybe, too, she didn't really choose, or if she does or could regret it now she would have made a different choice, if she too had been 'stronger, wiser, older, mentally more stable, had not given in to the isolation and checking out and giving up on life'. And in forgiving her it sounds similar to forgiving yourself?

:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Not sure why it wouldn't tag @MrMoonlight :( ^^

 

[MrMoonlight]

I'm mad at her. I'm sure killing yourself is almost as difficult as just living through life. My mind goes back to ugly hopeless dark times. Hiding from the world behind darkened windows. We lie in bed together in abstinence to life. She trying desperately to get pregnant without me knowing but I knew. She had thoughts of raising an abused (she thought) child from our apartment building. God, I'd forgotten all about this. She even asked the mother if she could, I mean wtf. She was so off.

You are really bright @Junebug . I mean maybe she didn't choose or would make a different choice today, she didn't give herself that chance. Suicide is such a desperate and final act, I can't imagine the state she was in when she died. I wasn't bad enough to kill myself I guess but she was here alone (edit: she had her ex-husband here) from NY with the financial support from her father, she had never held a job. She was 37 I think, I was 27. Now I'm ten years older than she will ever be. I don't know, I'm getting tired of crying, feeling like spacing out to stop the tears. I'm not sure what I'm saying.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure what I'm saying.

That's ok. Maybe more like what you're feeling?

Well, I don't mean this in a mean way, but thoughts and actions like that are 'off', and by that I mean more indicative of mental illness, not seeing how they could be 'off'.

Idk, because I was always too practical, and so finding solutions was up to me (without hurting someone else, of course). It's a hard place to be, to not be able to stand it but be out of solutions, and be responsible for finding one, and can't.

I know I have one person who would be affected, so I can't not accept that fact. I am more afraid it would give them cause to feel guilt or reason to harm herself further. But ya, am kind of expendable. I suppose I am just an invisible statistic, because I don't have worth/ people.

Anyway, blah, didn't mean to talk about myself. I hope you can process it without further self-blame.

 

[MrMoonlight]

But ya, am kind of expendable. I suppose I am just an invisible statistic, because I don't have worth/ people.

I hate that you see yourself in that light, it's not the person I see in you. You are not expendable, you have great value and you owe it to yourself to see that reflection. I don't think we find our worth in others, hell what does that even mean...worth? You/we are deserving of happiness, maybe even a little joy during this brief time on this blue orbiting ball in space. Down to the core, we are special literally made of the remnants of thousands of exploding suns. I always thought that was so cool, and true.

 

[Rani G2]

-Zombie Brain in the morning, Coffeine overdose is of no help, Cold/warm showers bring little, All supplements were swallowed

-Zombiness went away after 1 1/2 hr Gym... Kicked my A** for good..

-Got my hair cut.. and I like it.

- Watching unsolved dissapearences on YouTube, why? Why Do I watch these BS shows? R.Kelly stuff..ain’t better

-My neighbour invites me for Coffee, as I don’t like to talk, I will have to listen, that’s why people like me at times

—-Ah... Only 5 things... right.. Peace

 

[intothelight]

Time to shit or get off the pot
Do the worst first
Pretend its spring
Hire the lawyer, lessen the headache
Fun is the attitude not necessarily the activity