I too should be getting more than this done, but I think it's probably good to put it down, just ignore it everyone if you'd rather- TLDR, or content:
1. The Manchester concert is very good. I feel so heartbroken for (all) suffering, and cry for them, and myself probably as well. So few cause so much damage and heartbreak. Life is so much like that. Coldplay 'Fix You' currently on.
2. Spoke with someone (accidentally) from Wounded Warriors. We hit it off.
3. I managed to get my friend's presents together and with help delivered. I hope they are ok.
4. My life is exponentially falling apart; sister's cancer possibly metastisized to liver, already in lung. :( But, that being said she and other sister afre very toxic, and lying and blaming. Work is trying to privatize within 90 days , under a ridiculous guise. Wholly dependent on income, and need a major repair, struggling. Friend who's my rock, sanity & strength getting transfered, no where else do I get strength or hope from others' words. Plus so difficult/ so much to contend with, for him. :( Plus, the everyday troubles, the person from wednesday I see tomorrow, which is a 14 at least hour work day, plus meeting early a.m. with top brass. I think if I think of even one thing they will all flood.
5. I (hopefully, yet exhausted) will be working every day through as of next week, except for July 6th. My own shift plus vacation coverage.
6. I was hit with gratitude and profound sadness today. That there is so much to be thankful for, past and present. But 2 sisters continue to be toxic, etc.
7. Someone asked me today if I'd been a ballerina. And I wasn't standing 10 x 10, lol. But I did dance my whole life. I remembered my mom wanted to put me in it early- maybe about 3. We didn't have money for that, that was ok, but I always loved it, she was right, and I remembered the memory. Someone else said ridiculous to waste money on that, or something like that, no money for that, I think. I knew that but kind of secretly hoped a wee-bit..
8. On a funny note, I stood on a scale the other day it said 198.6 lbs. Twice. Big 'ballerina' for a short person lol.
9. On a serious note, I overheard people talking. I can't believe how different their perspective is, with a) resources, or b) taking it for granted they can do , or should do, whatever they want. ?? :wideeyed: They were talking about changing churches, out of choice not surviving. And it didn't seem to be anything to think to do it. :wideeyed: It's taken me 10+ years to not feel badly to even be present. Of course, I can't say, I just do what I can to manage my suicidality. Sometimes I wish I could say it, it would be like a weather report anyway, but less emotional! Maybe even add in fear, anxiety, ptsd, flashbacks, abuse, drinking environments, risk of sexual assault environments, fear of no work, and withstanding physical issues and chronic pain.. Etc. :rolleyes: But I think the offing part might be suficient to get a back row all by myself. :roflmao: That sounds like one heck of a pity party, so I won't, lol. I actually feel little about 'stuff' as it's secondary to fear trying to prevail, and SI. Actually, I feel very grateful (too), definitely not 'worth it' or worthy of it. Holy h*ll it's never been boring.. :O_o::eek:
10. And how different it is to be alone.
11. And when all was said and done, how the sweetest words iin the English language include 'It will be ok, we'll get through this, we'll get through this together'. How (very) different than abuse; despair; grieivng people together who attack one another in their pain; abandonment, or violence.
12. I'm very sorry for writingtoo much. Thanks to everyone here, and hugs, xox.
13. ETA, I'm ashamed of all that above. FWIW, I am trying to be brave and not self-centered, and do the best I can. Probably not suceeding greatly?, but trying. :notworthy: I am trying to be more graceful with suffering and fear, if that makes any sense? Yikes, thank you for having somewhere to write. :hug:
