5 Things I'm Thinking Today

[Muttly]

@TexCat - Showers in the kitchen?

It would be good to get caught up at least in one area.

- This. So much this

1) Oh, is that why I've been going so hard? Have I been avoiding feeling the stupid body. hmmm
2) I should call the chiropractor though
3) And find a ride so I can get the car. so fed up with that situation. $1500 and 2 months later and it's not truly fixed.
4) well dang it, I don't want to sleep.
5) at some point, I really need a chance to process. Is that why we've been going so hard? not to avoid the body, but to avoid... all that stuff. hmmm... that seems more likely. well poo

 

[Tinyflame]

Anniversary of my aunt's death.

Something important I need to do tonight.

 

[Lionheart]

What will I do if I cannot find my brother? I don't know how I will handle that possibility.
I am tired.
Need to talk to my doctor about pain and disturbed sleep.
I am afraid that I am going to lose my sister to COPD if she doesn't stop smoking very soon.
I miss my mom.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Junebug :hug::hug: Sorry for your anniversary loss. Sending much love.

 

[Tinyflame]

How sweet you are @Recovery4Me , thank you, :hug::hug::hug::notworthy: . Yes what a whole mixed back of thoughts it brought. From pre, the care, the nights, the weekend before she died- I think(?), day before she died, the morning she died, the suffering before and the tears/ feelings/ thoughts about God when she suffered. :( :cry:

Including later, however- remembered writing letter for help- revealed fear of going to make a mess/ ptsd meltdown/ ~'freak out' at funeral- hand delivered, got help with that and at funeral. :notworthy::notworthy::notworthy::notworthy:

Something went off, 'plan' had to change yesterday. But heard words, more so than 'felt' different. Felt confused.

Got approached twice downtown, one of 2 guys in car, one on foot for sex trying to get out of downtown, and the one on foot asked me if 'anyone had given me a price list?'- to buy drugs- I am not kidding those were his words. :( Really uncomfortable. :( Just found drugs walking the other day down there, and one individual pill, or so I presume- but made me mad because they were colored like Skittles and shaped like stars- but scraping off some coating like aspirin consistency underneath. Targetting kids I imagine.:devilish::mad: Threw them out.

Was really feeling at that moment -Idk? -Fear? But 2 little birds came up to me , one x2 cobble stone squares from my feet, about 2 feet. Despite traffic and people.:inlove: They hid when people came closer though, first under a recyclying bin then to a tree. I felt badly there is no food on concrete. :(

How strange I thought, strange things interfered. Saw a friend unexpected too. Had a lot of conflicting thoughts, re: plans, thoughts . I did a lot of work in day, listened to online stuff, skipped a funeral for another reson, turned off my phone, went to church to try to derail them. Very confused or conflicted but I found myself doing the only logical thing- plucked a very tiny purple and yellow pansy out of a sidewalk crack where it should have been a weed :inlove: , brought it home and planted it in a shotglass. Miracle if it makes it, which is why I did. Shockingly looks ok so far.:wideeyed:

Forgot to say thank you to my friend, when given the unexpected opportunity, for the past. :(

Hugs for all , xox. :hug:

 

[Ronin]

1. Living for birds & The drops are falling, I don't need to be falling too.
2. Or: f*cked sideways the past few days. Apparently having paid bills & no debts is still on my mind when living isn't. :banghead:
3. More of weather watching. Soaking wet makes sense with this depression. (Be-f*cking-alive, they /can't, you -can-/)
4. Between 'he wound up dead because you broke up with him' & 'nah, /you/ were hurting him for years' & 'you're just not tough enough', I'm just fine subliming away again. (Sun patches. / Let's laugh and make food, X2? / Silence has its own meanings.) People adding personhood & sun in all of that night.
5. It's the past, goddamn it. Pictures of people I received just /this/ year remind me it's the past. It's the f*cking past and there were /other/ people in that past, too. FFS self. (And the times of when we were children, gawdamnit. Need to stay to share those memories, like Stole-a-whistle-of-my-sister.)

 

[Ronin]

What will I do if I cannot find my brother?

You don't stop looking.

They say they ain't lost until no one is looking for them.

 

[Anrish]

1. Headache and I feel sick...or maybe I ignored being hungry for too long?
2. Hero of the garden.
3. Need to sleep....
4. We have a new cute bath mat!!! :inlove:
5. Calm down, Anrish. You can stop functioning. Breathe...

 

[Tinyflame]

@Anrish @Ronin :hug::hug::hug:

Yes I have splitting head and sick to my stomach also. :sick:

They say they ain't lost until no one is looking for them

This is profound. ^ But makes me sad.

Hey, these birds usually walk/ run up to me, funny not fly.. :inlove: :confused::)

 

[Tinyflame]

I thought of something silly, shouldn't I have said goodbye to my friend instead of avoiding it? Just 'in case'? Is that worse not to? And not thankful? :(

 

[Heather]

I applied to 4 year college I want to attend in spring.

Financial aid person helped me figure out a way to afford it!

I'm proud of myself

I'm believing in myself.....I know I can do this!

I'm able to go after a career I know I will love

Determination/persistence can get you where you want to be!

 

[Ronin]

Is that worse not to? And not thankful? :(

You're thankful already Buggie.

You're thinking of them & with them in your thoughts. ;):tup:
Besides: If you said goodbye, that's for a long time of fun after which they're coming back;
And if you didn't say goodbye, that's just so they're back for more Helloos speedily. :sneaky: