Supporter 8 Years Married To Ptsd

[design eye]

I have been married to J for 10 years. In 2006 my husband came back from iraq (1 year deployment). He left when I was 2 weeks pregnant with our 1st baby, I went at it all by myself, left ft benning and came back home to dallas when he left, it was too hard to be alone in georgia. After he came back it seemed everything was about him... it still is. I know he went through the worst, became disabled vet. To this day everyone thanks him for his service. Yet he walks around apologizing for everything and feeling pitty for himself. He regresses to a kid mentality sometimes. Since 2005 I felt like my life was no longer going to be about me. I lead the family, in charge of the finances, in charge of everything, he can't do it. Honestly sometimes I think I enable him to act out, other times I think he really is trying but just can't get there.

He will go on facebook, post and post about how he should be out there taking down terrorists rather than sitting in his cubicle at work, how he feels a responsibility to his battle buddies, he'll comment back and forth all day with them (the ones that are alive at least), he talks about how miserable he feels, how his life right now is too much for him sometimes...

To me this is what it feels like... He longs for her, obsesses over her, that stupid b*tch ruined him yet he keeps pursuing her. I try to be a good non-nagging wife, yet he keeps daydreaming and looking at you tube vids about her. He wont get over her no matter how much I try to improve the life he has with me now. Sometimes I just want to yell at him "Get over it! She used you, brought you down to nothing, left you to pick up the pieces, left you for dead, move on already or I will move on without you!" Of course "she" being the war.

I am pregnant with our 3rd baby now and sometimes I think, "Great! I'm that girl!" That girl that keeps pursuing a relationship with a man that may not feel the same way sometimes. I am a business owner, good at leading, to outsiders I am success, hope, role model, etc... however this relationship really brings me down to my knees.

 

[arfie]

I am the PTSD patient in my marriage. I am a vet, but I carried my PTSD into the Army with me. It is not combat related. My husband also wishes I could "just get over it" and live by his notions of what I should be. Sigh. I am still waiting to meet a couple who doesn't go through variations on the theme. I have offered my husband a divorce for each of our 33 anniversaries. Maybe he'll go for it next year...

I cannot just away my PTSD any more than my husband can get over his chronic perfection.

Maybe I'll just surprise him with the divorce next year instead of offering. He deserves a woman as perfect as he is.

 

[sisu]

Welcome design eye! The supporters section is full of great people supporting someone they love with PTSD, so come on over. We all can understand exactly what you are talking about. I am not married to my guy (actually we are broken-up right now - again) but he also has PTSD from combat. I did not know him before PTSD got him, but he displays some of the same behaviors you list above.

Arfie! I tell my guy this all the time - "if you could only see what I see in you". I am sure your husband doesn't see you as imperfect. I love my guy for who he is - exactly. He just cannot accept that and feels like you do, that I deserve someone who isn't broken and is as perfect as I am. Well let me tell you, no one is perfect. We all have our crosses to bear - some crosses are more visible and some are not. But we all have something. Your husband has stuck around 33 years so it sounds like he loves you. Accept that and allow yourself to be loved.

:)

 

[arfie]

Thanks, sisu. That is soothing to hear. We have, indeed, been working it out for 33 years and even have adult off-spring and a grandchild who love us both separately and together, so obviously there is allot there.

I still disappear when he starts going superior on me... Can't help it...

 

[intothelight]

Hi Design Eye,

Welcome to MyPTSD forum! :)

Relationships are difficult even without PTSD, and with this disorder, it is critical the partner with PTSD get themselves as healthy as they can so they can work on the relationship. It is also critical the supporter work on taking care of themselves, so the problems don't cause even more damage to them and the relationship.

There is an entire section for supporters, where you can find information and the support you need for yourself.

Wising you the best.

Debbie