A Bad Fit?

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi all,

So I have a new therapist and have seen her three times now. I'm just not sure if we're a good fit? My gut says "no" but my brain says give it more time.

A few things sort of irk me.

One, she "diagnosed" my mom after I talked about her for 20 minutes. I really don't think it's cool for a professional to be throwing around a diagnosis for someone she's never met! Yes my mom has problems, but it was handed out so matter-of-factly.

Two, she's pushy! She pretty much tells me when my appointment times are and that I need to come in twice a week. Nope, if I stay I'm cutting back to once a week.

Three, I feel forced to talk about my trauma. I feel like she's prying. I just met her and I'm supposed to spill my guts?!? I told her that I went to a trauma program and was able to process two major traumas. She said they weren't *fully* processed as if they were, I wouldn't have any symptoms. Really? I've been dealing with symptoms practically my whole life. I don't think I'll ever be completely symptom free, no matter how much "processing" I do.

Fourth, she spoke condescendingly about my last therapist. "Oh, she only focused on symptom management?" Well, yes, but at my direction! That is what I wanted. I went elsewhere to process my trauma.

I am extremely agitated right now. I don't want to talk about it. I've talked about it until I'm blue in the face. I still deal with my mom, but I don't want her (my therapists) feedback. I get enough help from other people in my life in dealing with it. And it's not that I'm shoving issues aside, rather I'm dealing with them after much consideration, at my own pace. I've come too darn far to backslide and let someone push me around. I think it's safe to say I feel intimidated by her!

There are other "flags", these are just the main ones. Sigh. Thanks for reading.

 

[franciemarnie]

You have got an amazing gut and great perception. I'd go with your gut any day, though I certainly understand your scenario .

I'd like to borrow your gut and perceptive brain sometime!

 

[Leah123]

Oh my gosh, ScaredofLonely!!! TRUST yourself. Every red flag is a huge one. I concur completely with your concerns. I do not believe you're trying to talk yourself out of therapy, or doing anything harmful by leaving her. I believe, from what you've shared, you can do much better, and find someone much more healing for yourself.

 

[Leah123]

You know... I started wondering, with all those red flags, what the positives were? I'm thinking you must have compelling reasons to consider staying with the therapist? I don't want to judge too quickly, if you feel strongly about certain benefits that they can offer.

 

[HorseChick]

In my experience, I always have that intuition telling me if this is the therapist for me, almost right away. If you aren't comfortable, try someone else. They are there to serve you. I used to be afraid to say "You are not a good fit for me" but now I know I want to get better and I won't if I feel uncomfortable. Therapists understand this too. I won't trust that person to not judge me. I want my therapist to say "you're not ready to tell me your traumas, just tell me how you feel. Even during EMDR my last therapist said "You do not have to tell me what happened, what you're seeing, just tell me how you feel in your body". TRUST YOURSELF! You know what to do!

 

[maddog]

I always think it's hard, and risky, and possibly misleading, for anyone to "advise" what to do in situations like this. The dynamics of a therapeutic relationship are so complicated and unique and we all bring our own challenges, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, preferences and sensitivities to therapy, whether we like it, or are aware of it, or not. And we on this forum only ever know or understand a small number of those variables, no matter how well we think we get to know each other.

I can appreciate why each of these flags bother you. I can appreciate why you're questioning the relationship. Sometimes our gut instincts are our best guide and should be respected. But sometimes our gut leads us astray, because it is sometimes driven by defence mechanisms and by cognitive distortions, emotional reactivity and generalised past experience that we mightn't have full insight into, or even be aware of. So sometimes instinct can just keep us running and running and running and looking for something that doesn't exist.

I'm not saying either of these scenarios is true for you. But at such an early stage of therapy, I think it's equally possible that either could be true.

The one thing that is always true, though always extremely difficult, is that it's a good idea to raise concerns and anxieties of this nature with the therapist in the first instance. Often this is the best and only way of figuring out whether or not your instincts are right, or perhaps just premature. How she responds to your concerns and what happens in your relationship as a result are probably the best advice you'll get on what you should do.

Raising such awkward issues can be really really hard, but in the end, you have nothing to lose if the relationship isn't sustainable anyway, and everything to gain if it is, and raising concerns with her isn't going to damage a relationship if it's destined to be productive.

I hope you can think about seeing her at least once more and raising some of these concerns. Some therapists really aren't good, or aren't a good fit for us, but some just take a while to "break in". It takes a bit of time and perseverance to know which is which.

Good luck, and I'm sorry it's tough. I truly mean that, there is no easy or comfortable way through the early stages of therapy.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

risky,

I am with MD with all she said. I think it tends to be a process figuring it out. For me anyway. There tend to be many subtleties and much that can't all be discussed straight out too - in one post. And I find the important consideration is if I have fully discussed what is bothering me and the response of the person to it. Because finding what works can be a process - for both parties. But taking into account our feelings is really important and they should not be ignored. Our feelings are important.

And I think therapists need to listen and consider our opinion when we have a lot of self knowledge about what we believe works for us in therapy. When we have experience and self awareness. We may need to consider what they say too of course. Mutual open mindedness is best in my opinion.

 

[Resilientbibliophile]

Greetings,

For some the possibility exists that illuminating the dysfunction evidenced by family members embroiled in their own complex problems comes as unlikely and sometimes even welcome news. The overwhelming weight of guilt consistent with believing that we carry more responsibility than we rightly should can obscure our awareness of just how troubled or impaired others have been in their relations with us.

I'm just speaking myself here, but for reading and comparing/contrasting, it's a bit sobering to reflect upon the fact that there wasn't much in the way of discernible 'parenting function' going on my childhood home. I'm finishing with an Asperger's Syndrome title where a father lavishes detail about the bond he's formed with his new son, and all I can say is that I never experienced anything quite like that. No strict anger felt, but a definite emptiness if you will for what cannot be corrected. One doesn't strictly have to read Jung to understand that some problems are manifest across generations, representing issues and sometimes manifest as relational styles that repeat until some key players seek help to challenge certain patterns.

Further, I imagine it takes time to develop an appreciation that all of humanity falls somewhere on a continuum of function and dysfunction in relation to a great many things, and for some telltales I reasoned stab can be made concerning what might be happening with person A or person B. Someone might reasonably say that I'm obsessive-compulsive, and I would nod my head for this surely describes an aspect of my being without strictly passing judgment upon my total worth as a person. Of course I don't know what was strictly said, but know for all the awful things attributed (and rightly so) to my father, I still loved him and wish on some fantastic level that some alternate history could be mine to experience where a better father/son bond was something we shared and I could now reflect upon as circumstances required. Sons love fathers irrespective of how awful those fathers might be, whereas a great many here could tune and adjust the preceding statement to reflect circumstances whereby they could not help but love those who in matters great and small underperformed.

Another point to consider (if only briefly) is that insurance cover may only permit a few visits, with this reality effectively forcing the therapist to delve in and search for substantial underlying themes quickly rather than let things wait. While brutal to register, perhaps a certain 'need for speed' is in evidence whereas it seems your T. is hoping for confirmation of rough impressions of the major players in your life narrative.

I'm sorry all of this is hitting you with such force, but consider too that for the T. to relate that a previous therapist "...just went after symptoms" is likely shorthand telegraphed back to you that this person is a dedicated PTSD psychodynamic therapist who won't personally settle for bashing your symptoms over the head for administering psychopharmacological solutions absent deeper interest regarding what complex set of circumstances witnesses you seeking help. I know it's terribly bewildering, that you feel assaulted from all quarters, that your perceptions register 'THREAT' so strongly at present.

Try to give things a chance, even if the external cues aren't exactly cementing trust at this point. Another PTSD therapist might possibly evidence an interrelational style that is discreetly superior to what you're picking up on now, but also know that another therapist or series of the same will likely be diving into the same tool kit and applying tools to the same underlying issues which will summons forth pain. Be brave regardless. Kind regards...


M.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'll give it another try, but I'm not that hopeful. I'm not good at standing up for myself when I have fastballs thrown at me in which I feel pressured to comply/agree/respond/etc.

I feel that we're in very different places. I want to focus on moving forward but she wants to dig up my past and I refuse to do that. I told her that most attempts to dig into my trauma have resulted in bad dissociation but she's of the mindset that I need to talk about it more in order to heal.

She's not trained in the methods in which I was able to process my trauma so I refuse to let her go there.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I just cancelled my next three appointments (yes, three....I told you she was pushy with scheduling!)

I figured that I have to follow my gut on this one. She didn't listen to me when I told her I didn't want to talk about the trauma and I refuse to backslide because some pushy therapist thinks she knows what's best for me after just a few sessions.

Thanks for all your feedback. I appreciate it.

 

[Donna-1]

I just cancelled my next three appointments

When people are pushy with me, I often push back with a "NO" no matter what it is they want or whether or not I really agree. On a matter of principle. I say "NO" in order to feel I am protecting myself, then I can step back and assess the situation and change my mind if I want to. For me, it is better to say no first, then change my mind, than it is to say yes and feel like someone is controlling me.

 

[Donna-1]

So the therapist diagnoses your mother too quickly. Almost every therapist I have gone to does this. I think maybe it is their way of saying, "I'm on your side; yes, there is something wrong with your mother." My first therapist said my mother had raised me in a "concentration camp", then he went on to tell me his doctoral thesis was about -- you guessed it -- survival in Nazi concentration camps. He was running home to mama, in a sense, going back to what was a familiar analogy for him. But to me, it seemed a little off base. Another therapist said, in our second session, "Your mother shows all the traits of narcissism. And you show some of them yourself. I just thought you ought to know that." What? WHAT? So much for that trial run, huh. My present therapist listened as I read a "love letter" from my mother telling me what a wonderful Christian woman I am. Then my T said, "Your mother is sick." Did she mean it was wrong of my mother to write the letter? Did she mean I am so obviously not a wonderful Christian woman? (LOL)

My advice is to stick with your therapist. Tell her exactly how you feel at every point. That is one of the ways therapy is healing and how it trains us to speak up for ourselves rather than allow ourselves to be traumatized again. Teaching yourself or allowing someone else to teach you verbal self-defense is really priceless.