A Bad Fit?

[Deleted member 1860]

Lol she sent me a kiss off text.

Blah blah blah I wish you well on your journey.

Whatever. I don't need her or her crap.

(Yes, she diagnosed my mother with narcissistic personality disorder. NOT "she sounds narcissistic" but "she has NPD".)

 

[maddog]

SoL, I'm sure you've thought of this of course, but for what it's worth, if you've found a trauma processing model/framework that has worked for you, such as that which you undertook during your residential programme(s), perhaps it would be useful to try to find a therapist trained and practicing in that modality? Perhaps the treatment facility you attended could give you a list of relevant therapists, or otherwise point you in the direction of finding someone. I am a huge believer in doing/using what works, and if you've found such a thing in the past, then chase after it if you can.

Sorry it didn't work out with this therapist, but I hope you're as comfortable as you can be with your decision. I think Donna brings up an interesting point about one of the possible reasons why therapists may be quick to try to diagnose our parents/abusers etc, as a means of "siding" with our experiences and thus attempting to build rapport quickly? I don't agree with this as a strategy in itself, but have some empathy for the motivation behind it. Validation comes in many forms, and sadly I think some people try too hard to achieve it too soon and the results are very negative. Perhaps a sign of therapist naevity as opposed to professional arrogance...

Maddog

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know anymore.

She is a neurotherapist and that's why I went to her. I didn't want to get into the trauma, talk about it, or further process it. My last neurotherapist focused on symptom management and calming techniques and that is what I was looking for. I'm tired of therapists knowing what's best for me even before attempting to get to know me.

The therapists associated with my trauma treatment center don't accept insurance and cost a LOT! I don't think I can financially swing that.

 

[cherryblossom]

If you only want to focus on symptom management, then that is absolutely your prerogative.

My thoughts (when my PTSD symptoms where high) where to move on from management, and process the trauma, so that management was infinitely easier and PTSD became less intrusive over all. But that was my choice at the time, due to symptoms being too hard to manage.

Processing my trauma was an immensely tough road, but definitely worth it, because my PTSD symptoms are massively reduced, therefore so much easier to manage day to day.

At the end of the day, we all choose what we think is right for us at the time. If processing your trauma isn't what you want to do right now, then you are quite right to end this relationship with this therapist to focus on what you feel you need at this present time.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok this is the LAST time I am saying this.

I paid up the WAZOO to process my trauma. I spent two weeks straight doing so in individual therapy in a trauma program. That is SEVENTY hours.... Ok? Ok! I'm glad we have that clear!! My trauma has been processed!

I am dealing with a LOT of current stress so to an outsider, I suppose it looks like I'm not "over it" or whatever. But that's not the case!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

In her text she told me that having a negative reaction to her was indicative of us not being a good fit. (I told her what i was uncomfortable with) No "lets discuss this further" or anything like that, just "I refuse to talk to you anymore outside of a session" (which makes me feel like she doesn't care, just wants $$$$$$$$$$) and "you shouldn't come back to therapy if you feel that way". Wow, shut down with no further discussion. Hmmm.

 

[cherryblossom]

I spent two weeks straight doing so in individual therapy in a trauma program. That is SEVENTY hours.... Ok? Ok! I'm glad we have that clear!! My trauma has been processed!

I don't think there is any need to reply in this manner. How would I know that? It is very easy to clarify your points with out being so attacking and rude.

You said you didn't want to process your trauma further.

I didn't want to get into the trauma, talk about it, or further process it.

I didn't know that the reason you didn't want to was because you had fully processed your trauma. If you did say so in this thread then I must have missed it and if that is the case, then I apologise for missing it, but there is no need to be rude and shouty about it.

 

[BloomInWinter]

ScaredOfLonely, I think you owe CherryBlossom an apology. She didn't deserve the hostility with which you have responded.

I have noticed that you sometimes employ a communication style that is highly reactive and sometimes provocative. You're very unlikely to find much progress while you're so very reactive. Have you been diagnosed with Borderline-Personality-Disorder? Because people with such a diagnosis reject therapists over and over as you have, and they do need very specialized, long-term therapy.

I'm glad you went ahead and cancelled your appointments as you saw fit. Life is too short to spend wasting your time and money on seeing someone you clearly aren't, for whatever reason, able to form a therapeutic alliance with. Also, she can move on to another patient who needs her and is willing & able to give the help she offers a chance.

If you already processed your trauma, your symptoms would have been greatly diminished. If you wish to stay in denial and keep living in avoidance, that is perfectly within your right. I couldn't do that. But make no mistake, it is unethical and greatly ill-advised for a therapist to allow a patient to dictate the course of therapy as we do not have the skills, knowledge, experience, training, or insight necessary to see what truly needs to be done in what order.

After only three sessions, she's still trying to do assessment and explore where your avoidance is. By what you have indicated, she is doing what she should be doing. If you liked it, you wouldn't have PTSD.

It has been hard, but there's a lot to be said about being willing to give the therapists a chance by focusing on skills and assignments. Picking apart their words, judging them instead of considering what they suggested, and ruminating on what I thought was hidden messages behind their words was a great distraction from facing myself. It's so much more fun to spend time belittling them rather than actually facing the hard stuff. But it is expensive, self-defeating, and a waste of our life.

Your abrupt termination of her, while simultaneously apparently angry at her for taking you at your word and accepting your termination is very common for some types of patients. That's abandonment issues driving the boat nowhere but further isolation.

Therapists are trained to allow such patients to terminate and move on. Such patients are highly unlikely to be able to cooperate with a prescribed course of treatment. A patient must arrive at a place where they can work to build a healing, therapeutic alliance via honest, open communication, adherence to appropriate boundaries, and a willingness to do the suggested work.

I hope you get there someday, because the relief is well worth it.

Posting in a support forum presumes you wish to have support, and telling someone only what they wish to hear isn't support, but enabling. If you wish to only have input that agrees with your views 100%, please identify that within your posts so we know that.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It may be helpful to examine more info about how we hurt our chances at being able to make therapy work.

"Triangulate: Did your therapist say something you don’t agree with, don’t understand, or don’t want to accept? Instead of asking about it, just run it past all your friends and family to get their opinion, starting with “My therapist said _____, what do you think that means?” Then bring the results of your survey to the next session and spend the hour talking about what everyone else thinks. Why have that awkward, direct talk when you can divert the objections to your friends and family?"

Source: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/201208/seven-mistakes-therapy-clients-make[/DLMURL]

There are some really good tips for how to make therapy work well for clients, too.

One of my personal favorites is reminding myself that therapy is a course in learning about myself. "Engage and Enjoy: Therapy is like enrolling in a course where you are the subject matter. If you're curious, teachable and motivated to do some work, it can be one of the most challenging and rewarding courses you ever take."

Source: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/201005/21-tips-clients-in-psychotherapy[/DLMURL]

There's also some tips for terminating therapy that can help us get the most out of the 'leavings.' Source: [DLMURL]http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/200810/terminating-therapy-part-iii-the-not-quite-ideal-termination[/DLMURL]

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Bloom,

You have me confused with someone else.

I haven't searched for a therapist in 2 1/2 years. My last therapist relationship ended last fall after almost 2 years. I'm not sure why you say I reject therapists over and over and over again.

I think it's irresponsible to pin personality disorders on people because you erroneously believe they have traits which they do not. I do not have a personality disorder and have never been diagnosed with one. I have had many therapists over the years (not because I rejected them as you claim, rather due to growing up, moving many times, getting new diagnosis', looking for a new type of therapy, etc), and a number of hospitalizations, and throughout all that, they have seen me at my worst (over time) and I do not have such a diagnosis.

I said nothing wrong; I will not apologize. If people cannot read something that I have already posted, it is not my fault. I see this happen quite often here on the forum. That is, people don't read and then post a book about something already stated. I think more sufferers need to work on their memory skills.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I was asking a question about your diagnosis, not "giving you a diagnosis." It doesn't fit, fine.

I stand by what else I said. It's only my opinion based upon what I read. As long as you're spending time making fun of your therapist then blaming her for your relationship not working out, you'll be highly unlikely to make progress on processing your traumas.

Her refusing to allow you to manipulate her into communicating further outside of appointments isn't her "not caring" but setting appropriate boundaries with a patient trying to push those. It's all a part of the trauma response. Her enforcement of boundaries is a sign that she practices good therapy.

I wish you lots of luck and hope you get what you are wanting.

 

[Hashi]

SoL, I understand that you wanted something else and not trauma processing with this therapist. I respect that and can relate to it, in a different context, because in the past I've been to a psychologist to learn DBT skills and wanted to keep any trauma discussion/processing completely out of it. The psychologist felt that we should be working on trauma, I didn't, at that point I only wanted to learn some skills. So I left, and that was the right thing to do.

What I'd do differently in future, if I wanted that kind of arrangement again, is to make it an agreed condition before I started that there would be no trauma processing or any discussion of trauma. I didn't actually do this because it hadn't occurred to me that the therapist would think she knew better than me and would try to force that on me.

I know there can be times when a client is avoiding/in denial about things, but not all of us all of the time. We can have the awareness and understanding of ourselves to be genuinely confident of our decisions about what we do or don't need. In that case, being challenged on it by a therapist isn't helpful, in my view, it's simply a frustrating waste of time, energy and money.

So, what I took from my experience was not to assume that a therapist would respect my understanding of and commitment to my healing process (healing trauma, and dealing with life in general). I need to make sure when interviewing therapists that I make it very clear that I'm not looking to them to decide what's right for me. If they don't like that, then they're not going to be the right therapist and it's best to find that out right at the start.

I think we have to make adjustments and work on therapy relationships, but one of the deal breakers for me is that a therapist has to share my overall approach. Some people's main focus/aim is symptom management, some people's main focus/aim is processing trauma. Some clients want their therapist to be directive, some clients want to lead on their own process. These are fundamental. If a therapist has one approach and a client has the opposite, I think there's no point in working together.

I suggest you chalk this one up to experience and put it behind you. I don't know how easy it is to find a different therapist who you like and who will agree at the outset to leave trauma discussion/processing out of it, but I hope you can.