A Bit About Me

[Deleted member 10425]

I am a 43 year old mother of 2, 22 yr old son, 17 yr old daughter, at this time in my life I want to be the best me I can be.

I think I have been a pretty good mother considering, my son tells me and his friends that it is a miracle that I was a good mother.

I was abused by my stepfather from the time I was 4 until I was 15 when I finally got up the nerve to tell my mother. My mother was abusive and unavailable to me.

I study anything I want to be good at, and that included being a mother. I am now dealing with the consequences of my not really dealing with my illness. My daughter has a lot of issues that I feel completely responsible for. We recently sent her to my cousin and she seems to be thriving there, probably the stress of never knowing what was going to send me into a PTSD rage or a PTSD depression was too much for her to bear.

I know that my relationship with my husband has suffered and I want him to understand me, I think he just thinks I am crazy most of the time.

I don't want to be on a bunch of drugs, I have come a long way, both of my kids can see a PTSD moment coming from a mile away. My husband, even after 23 years doesn't have a damn clue. I am much calmer without the kids here but, just saying that makes me feel like shit.

Enough for now, I don't trust easily. Ha, I guess you can all probably relate to that.

<Edited for paragraphing, font style and grammar. Please use forum style text and commas not dots for punctuation. Thanks Amethist.>

 

[intothelight]

HI YellowRose,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. PTSD is hard on the entire family, but families do survive and thrive with family members that have PTSD. There is a section on here for Supporters that may be of great benefit to your husband. There is a lot of information you can share with him and your children.

This site also has information for the sufferer and lots of information on how to cope and manage PTSD symptoms. But the best part about this site is the support from the other members.

Wishing you peace.
Debbie

 

[Bumble-Bee18]

Firstly I have been saying the same thing for ages.. "Im crazy" and yes I totally believed it but we all need to know that people do not think this about us, they need to understand this condition fully and if they arent suffering from it they will never really understand.
I get not wanting to be medicated, but to be honest I really wish I had gone for them! They are just there to ease you through the bad times and take the edge off. Dont think your weak or crazy for needing that little bit of extra help! x

 

[Deleted member 10425]

I was diagnosed several years ago with C-PTSD but I was trying to save my marriage and never really looked into what that meant for me, my kids, or my husband. I was so busy trying to make sure everyone else was ok that I lost myself. Of course, that is kinda my thing...always helping everyone else instead of myself.

My abuse was very extreme and I really don't like to talk about it. I went to therapy for a long time in my teens and again when I had my daughter 17 years ago. 8 years ago I had several surgeries on my face and became dependant on the pain pills they had me on and went to get detoxed and stayed in therapy for awhile after that. I do have xanax that I am to take for when things get to crazy for me but I don't like to take them.

I guess my biggest problem is that it seems my daughter is my biggest trigger. My husband has always accused me of being jealous of my daughter. That has caused some pretty bad fights and alot of hurt and anger for all of us.

Last night I had a nightmare, which I rarely ever have anymore, and decided I should take a look at what this thing looked like in other people's lives. I was absolutely floored that I had so much in common with so many people. I don't know why it felt better that other people suffered with me but it did.

This morning I was able to call my daughter and for the first time apologize with the TRUE knowledge that I have caused her pain. It was very painful to me, but I knew that she felt relief that I was finally acknowledging what she has gone through. I know that living with me is difficult at times but I never understood what I was doing to my children. They will both tell you that they were very well loved but they had to learn to deal with who I became when I wasn't me.

I have learned several of my triggers over the years. I very rarely have the crazy lunatic rages anymore but they still come sometimes.

Dealing with my 17 year old growing up and away and disrespecting me was a horrible trigger and I had gotten to the point where I couldn't even look at her without filling with rage. She was being sneaky and lying, basically being a teenage girl, but my fears and triggers were destroying her self esteem. I verbally abused her several times in the last couple of years and I don't have any idea what I said to her. She won't even tell me because she says I couldn't handle knowing that I hurt her.

I feel pretty dern broken right now, but I feel like there is hope for the first time in my life. Like maybe someday I won't have to think of the worst case scenario in every thing I do.

I just wish I had a switch to stop the tapes in my mind sometimes.

<Please remember to insert paragraph breaks as per forum rules, for ease of reading. Amethist>

 

[Deleted member 10425]

I didn't understand what paragraph breaks were...sorry

Now that i shared....I want to take it all back...

 

[intothelight]

Hi YellowRose,

No need to take anything back. By recognizing the effect PTSD has on your family and identifying your triggers, you have made huge progress to improving the relationship with your daughter. Teenagers can be trying for any parent and PTSD doesn't help. I know plenty of "normal" parents who have blown their tops with their teenagers.

Yes, it is wonderful to find out you are not alone.

Debbie

PS-There are many of us who missed the grammar rules when we signed up. Me included.

 

[a3a2]

Wow...apologizing to your daughter...that is HUGE! You are an incredible mother. None of us are perfect parents, but it takes a lot to be able to admit that to your child. I pray it is a huge healing step for you and your daughter.

Per meds....I resisted. Now I have found prestiq helps the depressive episodes to be far shorter and less frequent. I undersstand not wanting to be dependant, but you might want to revisit this issue.

<Full post quote removed by Amethist>

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi YellowRose,

Welcome to the Forum! It was very nice to meet you in chat tonight. You are definitely an impressive woman and mother. This will help your daughter. Parents are not perfect, nor should they be expected to be. Everybody is a product of their environment, positive and negative. This does not mean that other people are always at fault and that we do not have any control. We all have control over ourselves. We get to decide the choices we make. Blaming others is taking an easy way out. I suspect your daughter has at least some of your spunk. The teen and young adulthood years are difficult for all of us. I suspect with the necessary support, your openness, etc... she will grow up to be a fine young woman.

Keep in mind what your son has said. I bet your daughter will come to that very same conclusion.

Take care!

 

[Froggie]

Welcome to the forum YellowRose,

Wow you did great with those introductions. It is so hard to start off. BTW, I too had made some grammar errors, so welcome to the club. I'm so proud of you that you managed to find all that courage to apologise to your daughter. I'm sure she will remember and cherish that day. My psychiatrist put me on meds, but just 2 pills. I don't think we need a cup full of meds unless you have other physical problems. Many of us here don't have all that many pills to take for PTSD, so you don't need to fear for that.

Best of luck to you.

 

[Deleted member 10425]

FYI...my wanting to take it all back was because I hated saying anything about my daughter...It kindof makes me sick to think that I was so unaware of what I was doing to my daughter without even knowing. I never wanted to have a daughter because I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to protect her from other people...I ended up being the woman who hurt her the most.

Oh well, nothing I can do to change what was....but I can sure move forward and change tomorrow.

Thank you all for your comments. I made an appointment with a therapist. It was very hard to do that. But...I did it!!

I have a script for xanax that I take as needed for when I get too anxious. I barely take it because I don't like feeling out of control. It helps alot though.

For the first time in my life I had conversations with people in the chatroom and I didn't feel like I had to explain myself or try to figure them out. I am in a pretty good place today.

 

[Deleted member 10425]

Deaf Global Nomad, I was so sad when you left. I enjoyed your company too! They taught me how to follow people so I am following you so we can stay in touch.

When I talked to Sarah....she was crying and she said....Mom, it was f*cked up....but now I have to decide how I am going to let it affect my life! Thank God my cousin is there to help balance the good me with the bad me. Not everyone tries to understand. Honestly, her and my youngest brother are the only 2 people in my family who have anything to do with me.

Thanks for being up all night too!!

<Quote removed by Amethist>

 

[Deleted member 10425]

Thank you so much a3a3 for your kind words. I feel good about apologizing because for the first time in her life I KNEW what I was apologizing for. Maybe not what I said in rages or what I did....but, I really knew!

My mother told me sorry all the time....but then she would just get up in the morning...take a bunch of darvons....and drift away again. I will never drift away from her. I will fight with all my might to be able to control the triggers with her so that she feels like I AM THE MOM instead of her always having to be the mom for me.

<Full post quote removed by Amethist>