A Cesspool Of Self-Pity

[Tija]

I'm sitting in a cesspool of self-pity today. Since being terminated from my job, my grief has been overwhelming. So much of my identity and self esteem were directly related to my job.. If I regained any of that (self-esteem/identity/confidence) since working out my troubles in therapy, it seems like this blow has once again, pulled the carpet from beneath my feet.

I am so tired of grieving.. How much more will I have to endure? I am so tired of seeing my sad face in the mirror, and the ever present feeling like I just want to sob. But I have cried a million times, already.

You'd think I'd feel better after being at my psych's this morning. But instead, I feel worse. I don't know what it is.. Maybe I was putting up walls, or maybe the relationship is not right anymore... maybe I just have not seen him enough in the last little while. Whatever it is, I felt completely and utterly disconnected from him. I feel so alone right now..

I made some really stupid decisions in my life. I don't condemn myself for it anymore, because I could not have done it any better. I now do have to deal with the consequences of the choices and decisions that I made. I was one of those that was sexually harrassed at work, and didn't say anything. But it's just, not that, that I am grieving. I am also grieving the things that occurred afterwards.. the accidents, the self harm. All these events and the old emotions have been reopened since the termination of my job.

There were a variety of reasons that made me stay silent. But, I really thought that the possibility that I could return after doing therapy would be great. But up until this point, I haven't been able to.. A realization came to me a few days ago, that probably the biggest factor why I have not been able to go back, is that it is still a secret.But it's too late now.. much too late.

I suppose things could be worse.. I could be in Haiti right now. At least, at this very moment, I have a roof over my head..

Tija

 

[monticello18]

Tija, gosh...I know how you are feeling.... this is something I could have written myself. I guess I'm learning that recovering from something like we've gone through may be a slow and painful process. Somedays I put everything that has happened to me completely out of my mind and other days I can do nothing but think about it. There are days when I go to therapy and feel as if I am coming to terms with everything and that I will be a stronger person, and other days that I feel as if I am broken forever.

It is good that you are seeking help from your psych doctor, its a step in the right direction.... Are you seeing him for medication management or for therapy? Or both? Not sure how it works in Canada.... for me (in the States), the Pdoc only prescribes meds and I have to see a therapist/psychologist for talk therapy. Since my incident, I find it much easier for me to talk with a female therapist. If you are not getting what you need from your current professional, maybe you can search for someone that you feel more comfortable with?

I'm at a loss for words right now.... had a bad day... but I just wanted to send you a quick note and I'll write more after I get some rest...

Stay Strong,

Michelle

 

[Tija]

Thanks Michelle :smile:.. I know you understand..

When I went into therapy, I thought I would be in and out of there in 2 months flat, and back to work. I guess after reading so much about emdr on the internet I believed what they said about how it was this amazing quick cure. But having complex ptsd, 2 months was barely anything. The truth was that I had only gotten started !!!? So here I am, 1 1/2 years later, and I agree with your sentiment - it's been a slow and painful process. Some days, for sure, I feel very strong, and then other days when I am triggered, I feel like I am going to be broken forever. I resign myself to the fact once again, that I will end up alone, because I am unable to form any kind of intimate relationship with a man.

You asked me about meds.. No, I am not on any current medications, and have decided to not go that route because I know that I am extremely sensitive to meds.. At one time, near the beginning, and being desperate to sleep, I tried sleeping pills. They were one of the least addictive, but they made me even more anxious, suicidal, and I had hallucinations. It was very very scary, and I felt even more out of control. Needless to say, I went off of them cold turkey, after 2 months.

If I felt any stronger before, this month of my life has taken a real toll on me. Not only did I lose my job, but at the same time, I feel I have no choice but to make the decision to terminate my therapy with my current and only psych. And what is so hard on me now, is that my attachment feelings are going sky high through the roof ! Everytime I feel I need to talk, ask a question, or need support I want to run to the phone and leave him a message.. I want to hear his voice to make me feel better, and I can't...

I had an amazing connection to my psych.... but there were some things that were not so good, and I compromised some.. I didn't, and don't expect him to be perfect.. I've read enough stories about bad psych's. But, yeah, I felt so very comfortable with him, enough that I was able to be 100% honest about everything in my past and present. That's worth soooooo much. But, yet.. wisdom is now leading me away... I think that if I do go for more counselling down the road, I will definitely go to a woman. Right now I am pursuing some biological healing, so I guess I'll see how much further that takes me..

Take care:smile: Tija

 

[cragger65]

Hey Tija,

I'm obviously a little behind on this post, but I just wanted to say that I think you've really got the right idea. I've been seeing a therapist for some time following an MVA, and have developed the same dependant feelings. Just the sound of her voice will make it all "OK". I've managed to cut down from once a week, to once a month, but each time I see her, I fall right back into the craving to be soothed. I don't think it's healthy, and this message has helped me see that a little more clearly.

I am also exploring the biological approach lately... simple and direct, and it is definately helping me cope much better, and think clearer. Keep in touch with that inner wisdom, only it can ultimately lead us home.

Dave

 

[Tija]

Thank you Dave, it's comforting to hear you relate to me. Just what you wrote, is exactly how I felt about with my psych. I started to feel so close to him.. it was insane. It was not healthy, because I knew that he could never be my friend, or anything to me. That hurt so bad. It's been the most emotionally and mentally intimate relationship I've ever had.

It has been almost 4 weeks now since my last session, and I think I'm definitely calming down. The depression isn't so strong. I do still get the urge every once in a while to call him. It must be like how a soother must feel to a baby, right? LOL

That is awesome that you are also approaching your ptsd from a biological approach! Plse keep me updated on your journey!
I'm sure if you've already seen some success, then there's a lot to hope for! There is nothing left to be explored!

Take Care,:smile: Tija

 

[cragger65]

It is the same way with myself and my nuero-psych. She's a gentle touch, and can help me when I'm bashing the shit out of myself for the poor choices that I've made, and for that I am always grateful. BUT... I've got to start taking a little more responsibility for my own well-being. It's just so hard to do once you've fallen into that dark place for a long time.

I realize now that my clinging on to all the resentment, and anger has caused it to become trapped inside my body. I am using what is called the REBA formula to help break up these energy blockages inside of my body, along with regular excercise and better eating, as well as hot baths and stretching, to try to flush all this useless garbage out of my system.

The hardest part for me, always, is to not hate myself for my weaknesses. I hope you manage to avoid that trap, because it truly is self-defeating and incredibly hard to break out of.

Whatever you choose, I hope it gets you to the next step toward where you need to go,
Dave

 

[QuietNow]

I've been in and out of therapy for two decades now. And no, that doesn't mean that I'm some kind of expert at judging these therapeutic relationships.

Tija, I'm another Complex PTSD. There are a couple of things that I have learned over the years. Like, the bond to a women therapist is not different than the bond formed with a man. The same dependence can come up. I've had friends who go to therapy that mention a great relief when they talk to their therapist. That when they go in and talk it's like a big garbage dump that off-loads from them. Unfortunately, I've never really had that experience. Typically, when I go to see the therapist, the emotional stirring that is done is very unsettling and highly uncomfortable. I may be at a further point than you are right now in your "therapy arc." I kind of liken it to going to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned rather than going to get a massage at the spa. One event is important, can't be missed, but isn't all that pleasant. The other is something that is anticipated and enjoyed even when the masseuse is busy applying pressure just slightly above your pain threshhold to loosen up a knot.

It's the viewpoint changes of historical events that knock you for a loop. And the dredging of past hurts that you couldn't even remember. And the sudden shock of remembering a really horrible event in flashes that begin piecing together into a picture that nobody should have to look at.

I have a few "touchstones" in my psyche arsenal that I use consistently. "I do not have to be a victim." "I have choices." "That was the past, the future is in front of me." "I have support." and most importantly because for years I negatively reinforced the opposite of this statement, "I am loved."

I cannot emphasize enough that facing these things that are eating us alive is the scariest thing that anyone should ever have to do. And non-PTSD have no clue how much courage it takes just to set foot outside the house. Therapy can help lead you through the painful points, but never ever forget that the real change begins with you.

I know that certain events trigger me into uncontrollable shaking/crying/hyperventilating. Sometimes the events aren't recognizable until they happen. Usually they lead to a couple of weeks of night terrors and little sleep. I refuse to let myself define myself as internally weak. Those events are almost as far-removed from me as if I'd just broken out in a poison ivy rash. And if I begin charting the events logically, I can see the patterns and begin working to lessen the impact. After all, if you get poison ivy, the last thing you want to do is to go over and roll in that patch of ground again and again. Instead, you look for ways to prune it back, wear protection, and lessen its impact on you and your back yard.

Your reaction to the job loss is typical and human. It's a blow to the esteem and makes us feel less a part of society. I'm not sure of the exact situation, but it sounds like the harm occurring there pushed you into a full-blown PTSD incident. You left to work on healing, and they terminated you when you couldn't return.

The grief is normal. If you are getting tired of the grief, then you are beginning to get to the point where you can question and start fighting. That's good.

Let me just state, THAT JOB WAS TOXIC. It was harming you. It has lost its power to harm. The worst has happened. You have begun recovering from the devastating grief. And now its time to begin looking for the choices and the changes. Look for what the root cause of the termination was. Did they let you go because you couldn't return or because you couldn't do some job function? (these are rhetorical questions. For You and You ONLY to ponder.) Other than staple the offending individual's private parts to a wall (you are certainly allowed to do that mentally over and over again. Though it may interfere with personal growth if it becomes an addiction ;-) ), there isn't much that you could have done differently then because you didn't do it then. It's in the past. Look at it as a learning opportunity, though. There are always steps that could be taken to try to improve yourself. Screw the past job. It sounds like an awful one.

Start looking at what you like, what you want, what makes you live to get up in the morning. I guarantee that it isn't money, though money is a driving factor to get the basics that we need. After a bad burn in life, we often feel helpless and lost and unable to make choices. I've gone to bed hungry simply because my head was so shot that I couldn't decide what to fix for dinner from the refrigerator full of food.

I give you permission to have at least one moment today off of the hamster-wheel of guilt/grief/anger. Once you get one moment, they're like potato chips --it's hard to stop at one.

 

[Tija]

Dave - BUT... I've got to start taking a little more responsibility for my own well-being. It's just so hard to do once you've fallen into that dark place for a long time.

Well, said, Dave. This is exactly what I am trying to do right now but it's still very very hard because I felt like my psych really accepted and understood me. He never trivialized anything I said. I think that I got addicted to the level of attention, care and support I got from him. I realized too that I needed to take a little more responsibility for my own wellbeing. Having said that, we do still need other people to help and support us.. so it's like trying to find that balance.. Before this PTSD thing happened to me, I was very independent, not leaning on anyone. Now I've become the other way around, wanting to call my psych whenever something new happens! It's so mind warping! LOL In summary, things are definitely easier at 5 weeks, but I still have my moments where I can't believe he is not in my life anymore, and that makes me feel sad. I suppose I need to live more life, and hopefully through meeting more people etc., it will all be ok again.. I certainly never expected therapy to be so painful.

Dave- The hardest part for me, always, is to not hate myself for my weaknesses. I hope you manage to avoid that trap, because it truly is self-defeating and incredibly hard to break out of.

I have not been able to avoid that trap. It's been a strong force against me, but I am getting better..

What is the REBA formula ? I guess I can google it, but I've tried many energy techniques before I started with therapy or the ND.. nothing worked. Currently I got myself the Amegawand for pain reduction and biological healing. I don't have it yet, so I can't say if it works, but it works on zero point energy.

Take care, Tija

 

[Tija]

Hi, QuietNow.

I've had friends who go to therapy that mention a great relief when they talk to their therapist. That when they go in and talk it's like a big garbage dump that off-loads from them. Unfortunately, I've never really had that experience. Typically, when I go to see the therapist, the emotional stirring that is done is very unsettling and highly uncomfortable. I may be at a further point than you are right now in your "therapy arc." I kind of liken it to going to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned rather than going to get a massage at the spa. One event is important, can't be missed, but isn't all that pleasant. The other is something that is anticipated and enjoyed even when the masseuse is busy applying pressure just slightly above your pain threshhold to loosen up a knot.

I am just musing here.. but is it the same psych you have always seen? I wonder if the reason why it was so difficult for you to open up, was because either the chemistry between you and your psych was not right, or you didn't trust him enough? I know for me, especially in the beginning, I was very uncomfortable and it was very very traumatic to spill the beans. Here I was, telling all my deepest secrets and inner thoughts to this strange man I never knew or saw before! It was the wierdest thing in my life. But, as time went on, as I started to get a sense of his personality, and his way of dealing with me, I started to trust him and my comfort level with him became really nice. In the end, I could tell him anything, because I knew that he would treat me with dignity and respect. This is what took the fear away of being so transparent and vulnerable.
In doing so, I started to feel freedom and peace with myself.

I have a few "touchstones" in my psyche arsenal that I use consistently. "I do not have to be a victim." "I have choices." "That was the past, the future is in front of me." "I have support." and most importantly because for years I negatively reinforced the opposite of this statement, "I am loved."

Your touchstones are exactly prescribed for me in my situation and I just feel better reading it. Thank you! I can never be reminded enough. I fall very easily back to faulty negative thinking.

Therapy can help lead you through the painful points, but never ever forget that the real change begins with you.

Yes, thank you. Another reason to take some more responsibility into my own wellbeing..
Trying to find a balance now..

Your reaction to the job loss is typical and human. It's a blow to the esteem and makes us feel less a part of society.

For sure.. It's that "'Who am I if I can't work?" "I'm a detriment to society!" LOL
There was something I read a long time ago and it's stuck with me.. but maybe it hasn't stuck with me well enough! It's 'We are human beings, not human doings!"

I'm not sure of the exact situation, but it sounds like the harm occurring there pushed you into a full-blown PTSD incident. You left to work on healing, and they terminated you when you couldn't return.

They waited actually a long time for me, and at the end I felt forced to return or else lose my job. When I couldn't return like they wanted, they deemed me well (reason for termination) because my MD ok'd it. It turned out to be a mess and twisted situation that they used to their advantage.

Let me just state, THAT JOB WAS TOXIC. It was harming you. It has lost its power to harm. The worst has happened.

Yes, it was very toxic, and it will never happen to me again. These perps can smell you a mile away. I may still be working on the same issues of fear, but I have a weapon now that I never had before. It's my voice. I will use it!

Other than staple the offending individual's private parts to a wall (you are certainly allowed to do that mentally over and over again. Though it may interfere with personal growth if it becomes an addiction ;-) ), there isn't much that you could have done differently then because you didn't do it then. It's in the past. Look at it as a learning opportunity, though. There are always steps that could be taken to try to improve yourself. Screw the past job. It sounds like an awful one

Thank you for your encouragement. You are very funny! :smile: Seriously, I see it as a learning opportunity too. It's still a bit hard or sureal for me to accept the disasters I found myself in. By that, I mean, my own inflictions upon myself (selfharm).

Start looking at what you like, what you want, what makes you live to get up in the morning. I guarantee that it isn't money, though money is a driving factor to get the basics that we need. After a bad burn in life, we often feel helpless and lost and unable to make choices. I've gone to bed hungry simply because my head was so shot that I couldn't decide what to fix for dinner from the refrigerator full of food.

This is exactly what I have been pondering since my termination.. It seems overwhelming to be in a place I never thought I'd be in, but I think I'm making some headway here.. Wow, that's really amazing. I too have gone to bed hungry because my head was so shot.

I give you permission to have at least one moment today off of the hamster-wheel of guilt/grief/anger. Once you get one moment, they're like potato chips --it's hard to stop at one.

I believe you! That sounds really cool!


Take Care, Tija