A Day Of Triggers

[darrenS]

Things have been really good lately and ive been grateful, but today i just seem off , i was offered a job in Nigeria last night , and having done it before , i knew my answer had to be no , throughout the night i struggled with it and it brought back a slew of bad memories - i have been struggling with it , its like two people , i get drawn to danger and cant help but want to walk into it , i keep telling myself constantly i cant go , but then find myself thinking what if and start making plans...i then have to remind myself or rather almost create flashbacks of all the traumatic events.

I am exhausted - i know this will be a battle. I have dealt with this at length with my T , but i still have huge battles with it. For some reason i feel alive in danger , its exhilirating , you don't have time to worry about things, you move quickly - its deadly and addictive - i try my hardest to work on this, it may sound strange to some but it is a daily struggle to stay away from anything dangerous - i tend to trust the wrong people etc , i am aware of it, but in my worst moments i tend to be blind to it , and i am drawn to dangerous situations - does anyone else do this , and have trouble staying away from danger (bad people, places etc), what do you do as a coping skill or corrective skill ?

 

[Justmehere]

Yep, I do. I am not an "andrenaline junkie" (as some would call it) per se, but I am extremely counter phobic. My trauma therapist says I am the most counter phobic client she has ever worked with. There are times where I litterally have to lock myself in my house and ask others to hold me accountable to not RUN towards situations that are dangerous for me.

In the end, for me, it's about the past, and trying to master what scares me. It also somehow provides relief to the hell I'm in - and yet it doesn't.

To resist it, I do a lot to try and recognize it, and call it what it is, and try to make plans to not go towards the danger. But this only works to a certain degree.

One thing that I have been trying to do more is sort of try to figure out what the dangers thing does for me and find other ways to meet that need.

Sometimes at the heart of it, I actually need to do things that help me feel safer in the world, and somehow the conclusion to run toward the danger goes down. I don't really understand fully why. It's a new journey for me to recognize it and try to act differently.

Sometimes distraction helps me. Exercise seems to help give a little of the endorphin rush, and can help lower the pull for me too. Sometimes volunteering can help lower the drive to run to the danger too. I think it helps meet the need to feel like my life means something.

It is very addictive for me as well. Sometimes, I litterally have to simply postpone acting in the ther for an hour, and then if I make it that hour, I postpone acting for another hour... and eventually it gets easier.

My therapist says that this pull for me will likely always be there, but as I process the old trauma that fuels it to unhealthy degrees, it won't be so much if something that gets me into trouble, but more of a enter hung that might help me impact my community in positive and safe ways. I hope she is right.

Hang in there :hug:

 

[darrenS]

Thanks so much for your response , it is a battle isnt it - and yes i can relate to trying to master danger, i remember the primary reason i went to nigeria was to master fear, i knew it was dangerous etc but believed if i could master it, i would have succeeded in closing a door to my past. I do discuss this with my T , but sadly i dont think he fully comprehends, he tends to turn to God answers , when he cant find a full response, and its leaves me feeling lost. I have become very guarded about who i am near now, as it extends to people as well, i have no trouble being social when i need to be , but i sometimes make terrible choices in the people i let near me, it then becomes a game trying to avoid them once i realize their dangerous and in some ways another fear to try and master. I know this will be a battle for a long time and like you sometimes yes its an hourly thing.

i have been going up and down all day , pacing with anxiety etc its uncomfortable and annoying , but it wont kill me , i know things are getting better and i know what steps i have to take , its going to be difficult as the business relationship has been going for 10 years and my rejection of the project will end it. i will battle with it more , but have actually set a date on the calender where i will ring and reject the offer.

 

[arfie]

I tend to avoid danger, or at least violence, but I have an international flight pattern some consider dangerous. I don't back down from fights, but I typically don't seek them out, either. Growing up in dangerous environments gave me a deep suspicion of the familiar. I tend to feel safer around people who don't know me. When my flight instinct kicks in and gets me hungering for foreign lands, I cool my tool by turning around to face my real fear: :mad: The Familiar. :eek: Sometimes it works. Other times I just gotta go...

Gentle validation while you sort your own, Darren. For what it's worth: An offer like this would have me triggering all over the map, too. Deep breaths.

 

[Little Flower]

I hope ur feeling better. You've obviously to me faced a lot of fear
and are feeling safer. I don't know what type of work you were doing, but it must have been exciting and challenging. I hope you are giving yourself credit for everything you've overcome to date.
I used to think I was attracted to trouble. Because trouble was familiar to me. I make very conscious decisions about who I let in my life now. I can't really imagine myself wanting a huge challenge. I just don't have anything to prove ( not saying u do)
Taking care of my illness is a top priority. Then maybe I can tackle bigger challenges
Take good care of your self. You've had a big decision to make.
Peace

 

[mil]

I do this. Currently an issue I'm working with.

Even talking about it makes me feel defensive, edgy, about my "tough guy" I-can-do-anything superhero approach to life. Its addictive. I have a "need" to rush toward problems (usually unsafe) instead of pulling back for soothing. (My T says: Anything you find calming, soothing works. You're retraining your self. You used to not have a choice; had to push thru a traumatic situation and keep going and going to survive. Keep reminding yourself you now have a choice. You can relax.)

I've found when I'm already on hyper-alert (too high of energy, not breathing slow or deep) it is really, really difficult to steer or pull myself away. Like my hyper-alert attracts more hyper-alert.

I've had some success lately, on advice from my T, to "calm it down": feel the emotion/need/memory behind it. (Im always gearing towards male groups as the only female, as I was victimized in this setting. If off-balance, I veer towards the familiar before I even know whats there.) Once my body "tells" me what it went through or what it needs in the moment, its like the desperate leap to re-create a past harm is deflated. It'll be back, but not as strong. Like our body memories want to be heard so badly they'll lead us to re-create it just so its heard. I guess, now that I've went thru a couple rounds, it does seem to make sense.

My T says while mastery of the trauma IS important, I dont want to create new traumas. So she says, "calm it down", and make sure to move forward Feeling/non-dissociated/in-body. which will bring up old feelings(ugh) yet not create new (bad) feelings(yay). The incentive here is I dont want more trauma towork thru! I have enough thanks.