A Glimmer Of Hope...

[Deleted member 33052]

Thank you, Raven! I think that you will arrive at this point the moment you're ready. I had no choice. I needed to understand what drove my abusers. My father was the best to start with because I was never able to find malice or hatred in his actions. Desperation, rage, fury, even disgust. Emotions that I associate with being triggered.

I have to admit, I'm not quite there with my mother and siblings, but the more I think about their lives, the closer I get to releasing them and myself. Of course, that could be a month or a decade from now. I do know that I no longer think of them as the monsters of my nightmares. I still have ugly feelings toward them, but at least now other, less destructive feelings are beginning to creep in at the edges. Understanding seems to be the key to my recovery.

I do have to admit, though, this required no grace. No thought at all. It was just the next step in the process. Once I could put myself into his head, everything else just fell into place. Effortlessly.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Every once in a while, I have a realization that's so simple and obvious, yet so profound, I just feel gobsmacked. I'm writing this one down so that I never forget it.

Every lie you tell to someone who trusts you - every big ugly sucker punch or tender white lie - undermines their ability to trust their instincts. Their brains and bodies are at odds, and neither knows which is correct.

Every time we lie to our children about our emotions, we hurt them. Again, the brain/body disconnect, but added to that is confusion over the acceptability of feelings. You're sad and your body language suggests that you're sad, but you insist that you're ok? How does your loved one reconcile that?

I tried hard to always be truthful to my children, but I realize now that I was as guilty as anyone else. In trying to protect them, I lied. I lied about my feelings. I lied about why certain classmates didn't invite them to parties and why they weren't part of the *in* crowd. All well-intentioned, but with the same result.

I have a lot to be grateful for, not the least of which was that I never trusted my parents. No matter what they told me, I assumed that they were lying. Now I think that may be why I always relied so heavily on my instincts. My poor mother. If she understood that she set me up to succeed, it would probably kill her. Good thing she's already dead.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Two hours of hypnotherapy therapy today. This is my second attempt at hypnotherapy. The first was somewhat of a bust. I couldn't relax. I couldn't focus. I tried too hard.

Today was difficult, as well, but I think that all of the inner child work I've been doing allowed me to slingshot past my skepticism and brought me to exactly where I needed to be. I was ready.

So, I've reached the point where I've gained enough insight to heal. The pieces are all in place, but I lack the tools to hold them together. I'm supposed to be doing dbt, but I spend most of my time dissociated and it's impossible to care about any of this shit when I'm dissociated. I know that I have to work on building new neural pathways. I understand that's the only way to move forward, what does it matter when nothing is even real?

And yes, I do know how to make myself present. I slip in and out of dissociation like it's a doorway. I just think that I'm more tired of hurting in the present than I am of living with the dysfunctionality of ptsd. Rock, meet Hard Place. :p

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Insight: The empathy that has always been my defining quality is actually a trap. It's quicksand. The moment I sense another's pain, I'm pulled in so hard and fast I can't save myself. Today during hypnotherapy, I took off my layer of empathy, meaning to exchange it for compassion. I realized though, that it's empathy that allows me to see the pain in another's eyes, not compassion. I need both, but I have to learn how to step back from the empathy when it threatens to swallow me up.

Empathy is the divining rod. Compassion is the means to getting the water out of the ground.

 

[Teasel]

You are so right! Never thought of it like that.

Maybe explains my last T. Lovely lady, full of compassion.

Very rarely got anything I was talking about.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I'm changing. I'm growing. But like an infant who wants to run before s/he can walk, I keep falling down.

I can't stop crying. I feel ashamed, at times, and frustrated by my lack of emotional control. But I understand now. I've already written this on my profile post, but I need easier access to it for the times when I'll forget.

When my soul bleeds, the blood leaves my body in the form of tears. How could it be otherwise??? Every tear I shed is a drop of my soul's blood, and every single drop needs to be shed.

Another thing I've realized: there isn't a healing path. There are many paths, one for each trauma. That's why I may be bleeding as I walk one, yet letting go on another. Does this make sense?

I love you guys, btw. There's no better family.

 

[ladee]

Sure it makes sense.... and you are right, there is no ONE path to follow.... and I don't know why, well, yes I do, so many of us have issues with crying... took me years to understand it wasn't weakness, but strength and courage to bleed.... because as those old 'blood cells' are being released, there is room for healing.... I was crying yesterday, then I was angry, then I would cry some more, and get angry again... not angry at the tears, but angry that my life just seem so damned complicated all the time and I am just plain soul weary from all of it...

So , yes, it makes sense.... and love you back.... miss you, and lots of hugs if accepted... the cyber ones only touch your brain and maybe your heart, but not your skin...... unless skin touching is ok with you.... you are the reciever, you can accept any way you choose, or set them on the shelf for later....

 

[Deleted member 33052]

I have been missing you, too, @ladee, and I'm glad you're still reading my stuff.

Ladee, do you have people irl to talk to when you're feeling those huge emotions? Do you have someone to hold you through the tears?

 

[ladee]

I do have people to talk to... mostly my best friend D, but am not one to be held,or even touched, while I am crying... I do not want to be held.... I just want to be heard and validated....There has only been one man in my life that held me when I cried, I was having an affair with him while married to my second husband... I trusted him like no other.... didn't want to be with him all the time, no marriage break ups and all that... but I always, always felt safe with him.... and he knew what to say, or not say.... but no one else.... just so far out of my comfort zone that I think I would implode...

Do you have real life friends to share with and someone that will hug you if you cry??? I would hug you.... does that count?

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@ladee, it counts for a f*ck of a lot. I'm truly grateful.

I can't stand being hugged when I cry. I think it makes me feel too vulnerable. And when I'm grieving, I don't want to be touched by or near anyone. Like a cat, I prefer to hide and only return to the world once I know I'm going to survive. When my children attempt to comfort me, though, I am touched by their concern to the point that I can appreciate the hug. I accept it to make them feel like they're helping though. Not because they're helping, lol.

It's funny. I've learned to cry. I've learned to cry openly, yet I don't think I'll ever learn to share my grief.

 

[ladee]

Me either. Not with physical touch... I can do it better that before with words... but I have often describes myself as you did. Like a cat going off to nurture my wounds and will reappear when I'm ok..That is so sad to me for both of us... that we just can't lean into someone and feel that safety of another human being.. guess it will always go back to trust...

I was in therapy for about two years before I could cry.... and then it seemed like the dam had burst.... then I couldn't stop.... my favorite place to cry was the shower.... double cleansing I guess....

So am sending you lots of mooshy Ladee hugs.... I can hug others, no problem.... and have many for you... wish you posted more... miss you and always wonder how you are..... Am sending you a bouquet of your favorite flowers.. that can be planted in your yard.... not stuck in a vase to die...... love you, always have.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@ladee, you just lifted my mood higher than I could have even imagined. Thank you so much for giving of yourself the way you do!

I love you, too.