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A Glimmer Of Hope...

Discussion in 'Accomplishments' started by Yamamoto, Mar 13, 2016.

  1. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member Donated

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    I have lots to give... and the 'mal' part has just been setting there waiting for you to stick your head in.... and let us be a part of the journey.... plant those cyber flowers in a place you can see them... they represent HOPE, LOVE, and HEALING.... love you
     
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  3. Yamamoto

    Yamamoto Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. Let it go. Banned Premium Member Donated

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    I'm not my thoughts. I'm not my emotions. I'm not my actions. I'm not the driver. I'm not even the fu©king car. These things are all transient. I am bigger they are. I am the observer. Perfect. Consciously aware. I am the witness to my life.
     
  4. Yamamoto

    Yamamoto Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. Let it go. Banned Premium Member Donated

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    Thought = Judgement, Attachment, Resistance

    Thought = pain and suffering
     
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  5. Yamamoto

    Yamamoto Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. Let it go. Banned Premium Member Donated

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    Today my hope feels much larger than a glimmer. It feels concrete, not like a shadow that swirls in and out of my peripheral vision like wisps of smoke. Today, I believe I can learn to be happy.

    I've learned so much in the last month, 32 days, actually. 32 days since I decided to fight for my life. I can barely identify with the person I was 33 days ago.

    Everything has changed. The whole game has changed, and this time, I feel like I know the rules. When I know the rules, I tend to win. This game has only two rules, and they're clear and simple.

    1. We are not our thoughts or emotions. We are not our actions. Those things things are transient, like the wisps of smoke. We are perfect beings. Observers of our own lives.

    2. Thought equals suffering. Thought = JAR Judgement, Attachment, and Resistance

    Accepting these two truths caused a chain reaction of learning inside me.
    - My thoughts are driven by my ego. My ego will do anything it can to protect me from suffering, including shaming me, stifling my emotions, and pushing me to commit suicide.

    - When I'm dissociated, I'm only connected to my ego. I'm so disconnected from my body and instincts, I become a danger to myself, because my ego doesn't want me to suffer anymore, and the only way it knows how to end my suffering is to end my life.

    I have found a place inside me where my ego can't go. I discovered, to my astonishment, that I feel at peace in this place, maybe even happy. The moment I go there, my bad emotions simply dissolve. Maybe only for a minute, or even less, but it doesn't matter. It's like cool water for a parched throat, and it's been there all this time just waiting for me to find it. I'm working on building this neural pathway. I never want to lose this.

    More in a bit...
     
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  6. Yamamoto

    Yamamoto Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. Let it go. Banned Premium Member Donated

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    And no, I'm not stoned... :)
     
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  7. RavenGirl

    RavenGirl I'm a VIP

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    Mal, I'm so glad you found your place of peace, this place where you can even be happy. :happy: ❤️ You are awesome and you deserve to be happy and more at peace. :):hug::hug::hug::hug:Ravengirl
     
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  8. Yamamoto

    Yamamoto Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. Let it go. Banned Premium Member Donated

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    I had my first therapy session in a few months. My therapist, who's been working with me on the ptsd for almost three years now, started to cry when he saw the change in me. He said he was overcome with joy and gratitude. That was really cool.
     
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  9. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member Donated

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    That is a beautiful thing you shared Mal !!! So very very happy for your progress and you trusting yourself as to what you needed..... and what an awesome compliment from your T !! Sending you lots of hugs... miss you...
     
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  10. Yamamoto

    Yamamoto Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. Let it go. Banned Premium Member Donated

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    I had to go to hell and back to get to the place I'm at now. Someday, it'll feel like it was worth the sacrifices I made along the way.

    @ladee, your support has been steadfast throughout this journey. Thank you! Thank you from my heart and soul! ❤️
     
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  11. RavenGirl

    RavenGirl I'm a VIP

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    You are worth it Mal! Way to go, so awesome to hear. ❤️:happy::)
     
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  12. Faith Andrews

    Faith Andrews My talent: pretending that I'm okay everyday Premium Member Donated

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  13. Genuwine

    Genuwine Member

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    I feel the same way! EMDR has helped me to understand myself, my traumas, sometimes even the people that hurt me. It’s a roller coaster though, with its ups and downs. Currently I’m on a wonderful peak!

    I can relate to much of what you have written. I too am currently feeling grateful for my PTSD. I was diagnosed just over a year ago due to a massive trigger that shattered me. I am shedding the facade that used to be me. People used to tell me I was so strong. I didn’t know why. Now I know why. I have survived much. Now that I’m facing my demons, I can shed that tough exterior. I can relate to people. They can relate to me. I can connect! This is huge for me, I’ve never connected to people the way I do now.

    Thank you for this thread. Thank you for your honesty. Loved your poem BTW. Wow could I ever relate to it!
     
    Yamamoto likes this.
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