Today my hope feels much larger than a glimmer. It feels concrete, not like a shadow that swirls in and out of my peripheral vision like wisps of smoke. Today, I believe I can learn to be happy.
I've learned so much in the last month, 32 days, actually. 32 days since I decided to fight for my life. I can barely identify with the person I was 33 days ago.
Everything has changed. The whole game has changed, and this time, I feel like I know the rules. When I know the rules, I tend to win. This game has only two rules, and they're clear and simple.
1. We are not our thoughts or emotions. We are not our actions. Those things things are transient, like the wisps of smoke. We are perfect beings. Observers of our own lives.
2. Thought equals suffering. Thought = JAR Judgement, Attachment, and Resistance
Accepting these two truths caused a chain reaction of learning inside me.
- My thoughts are driven by my ego. My ego will do anything it can to protect me from suffering, including shaming me, stifling my emotions, and pushing me to commit suicide.
- When I'm dissociated, I'm only connected to my ego. I'm so disconnected from my body and instincts, I become a danger to myself, because my ego doesn't want me to suffer anymore, and the only way it knows how to end my suffering is to end my life.
I have found a place inside me where my ego can't go. I discovered, to my astonishment, that I feel at peace in this place, maybe even happy. The moment I go there, my bad emotions simply dissolve. Maybe only for a minute, or even less, but it doesn't matter. It's like cool water for a parched throat, and it's been there all this time just waiting for me to find it. I'm working on building this neural pathway. I never want to lose this.
More in a bit...
You are awesome and you deserve to be happy and more at peace. :):hug::hug::hug::hug:Ravengirl
