Relationship A Good Man, In A Bad Situation.

[Deleted member 27524]

Grrr I can't fix what I did to that quote!

 

[The Albatross]

" A new person coming on here and being nasty to two people who have over 10K posts between them?" Oh my f*ing God did you really just say that?

Really, Ignore the posturing... take what you need (if anything) and leave the rest. I apologize for the conflation of one personality over your personal issue. For myself, as we don't frankly get along. I have more than twice the posts, but would never dream of lording that over you and your issue... so please take than into consideration. Nor am I familiar with this thread, but I'm fixing to be. I hope something I have to offer will assist.

That @itsKismet is the biggest bunch of fuss and bluster that I've read here in a long while. You must really be in your behaviors or desperate for attention.

 

[The Albatross]

I find it admirable @Sev7 that you acknowledge this is a tough crowd. It is or rather can be, I congratulate you on your response.

 

[The Albatross]

Okay so, without further ado: "I need advice, and it's impossible to find the advice I need from anywhere else.

@Sev7 says: "I do have my own demons, but I don't think I have PTSD. Not like most here. I suffer from mostly derealization, chemical unbalances, and a few other things."

Solid self assessment, continue. He says, he's a fixer, no problem there: "I'm a laid back person except when it comes to relationships... If I see a kink - I try to fix it... It's one of the reasons my relationships always go on for so long."

"In the past - I would always have to lean on her a bit to get the truth out when something was bothering her. I may not be emotionally sensitive myself, but I'm extremely sensitive to others. I could always tell when something was bothering her... So I would push for answers, she would finally admit to things. It would be something ridiculous, and we would make up and have smooth sailing until the next problem.

I would always think the problem was worse then it actually was. So maybe my attempts to fix things ended up becoming a "self fulfilling prophecy"." No issue there, prey continue.

(the guy sees the shift and slide)

He says, "... she started confusing my boundaries with controlling behavior. She also started breaking promises. She started doing things knowing they would hurt me." (Reactivity, solid observation)

@Sev - she was already careening along for her own catastrophe and you my friend were along for the ride and expected to participate. Kudos for you for having a level head.

"Now she is drowning... I can't be friends with her. She isn't a good friend. Or good GF for that matter but I loved her anyway. I don't think she has the ability to forgive people even when she knows she should."... Um yeah she is out of her f'ing mind on substances... if, big if she ever knew/realized when to forgive. Another solid observation.

"... the relationship went from a few problems to very toxic very quickly. By this point I was exhausted. So I kicked her out of the house, knowing she had more than enough to take care of herself... The night before she left to the hotel it never occurred to her that I would. Partly because how good I was to her. So I'm sure it was a slap in the face when I did.

While she was gone I still tried to get her to open up until I realized I was just making the situation worse. So I reacted, and started getting angry. She would text me only things she was doing but not things she was thinking. She kept having ridiculous requests that would drive me nuts. (Like selling drugs for her).

So I know I reacted like an ass for a while. Its hard for me to swallow that the girl I knew was gone for a while. That I couldn't reach her." Another solid assessment to me. Frankly, I don't think it takes an Einstein to determine that selling drugs for a sufferer is out of bounds.

The guy realizes that pressing makes it worse... who here doesn't acknowledge that? *raising my hand* I sure do.

Stone cold... you are a straight up person... you are right and astute to sever your ties with girlfriend. Guilt is optional... but there is, frankly no partnership on the constraints and conditions she set with you. No guilt necessary... you readily acknowledge your foibles.. nor are you inclined to share hers. Sounds like a straight up human being to me.

You are not obligated to share more than you wish. Ran out of time but quite frankly you sound like a solid guy to me. Peeps can be assholes... but so can sufferers.

 

[The Albatross]

Sev7 is relaying is own personal experience... let's not slice and dice his own words. It is what it is peeps, he shared it... with us. I don't read this as a bad guy... I read this as a guy who cares, loves, but has boundaries. Frankly I'm applauding him. Reality bites for those who are deluded into thinking that their own thinking is everybody elses reality. It isn't. Honesty appreciated here sport.

 

[The Albatross]

@FridayJones I think the control freak is the sufferer based on this thread.

 

[Nicolette]

Grrr I can't fix what I did to that quote!

Fixed :)

 

[The Albatross]

@Sev7 said (opening post continued): "So I know I reacted like an ass for a while. Its hard for me to swallow that the girl I knew was gone for a while. That I couldn't reach her." Self acknowledgement of shared blame or his part in the situation.

"Now she seems to be drowning wether she knows it or not. She's doing everything she did back when she first got her PTSD. When she left - she wanted to do better for herself as an adult. However all she's doing it seems is partying, drinking, and having fun." Seeing her slide back into former maladaptive patterns and self medicating and she's calling it "fun".

"I've been trying to have her come and grab her stuff. Because it's all in this house, and it's hard to move on when everything is here." Leaving her stuff is a way of keeping one foot in the door and/or it is a possibility that she can't or won't retrieve her stuff and pet because she either doesn't have a place to put them or to do so would make her the one who ended the relationship. Sometimes people want to be the "good ones" versus the "bad one"... or the "right one" versus the "wrong one".... or even the "victim" when they are incapable of following through on things. If you act... the onus is on you and she didn't have anything to do with it. BUT, I can see that she is clearly not willing to come get her stuff. So pack it all up and deliver it to her where she's living and give her a deadline to make a decision about the cat and if it passes and there's still no action... either keep it for indefinitely or give it to her parents. Caution though: I would take pains to consult a lawyer or law enforcement and/or your parents to find out what you need to do to protect yourself from possible civil claim/law suit later on. If she's drinking and drugging... drowning... she could get desperate enough to claim you still have some of her stuff or damaged it or something.

"... she says she has no time and is busy. ... She has been avoiding everything related to me. Two months later and I still can't get her to talk about what to do with our stuff, and cat!" Yeah she's avoiding and being irresponsible.

"I told her once she gets everything I will be dead to her. It's so I don't hurt her anymore." ... Inadvertently this makes it pretty clear that if she doesn't come to get her stuff you won't be "dead to her" yet. So like I said, get some professional advise and take measures to protect yourself being careful with her stuff and the feline so as not to have her come back and make false claims at any time in the future?

"I do feel guilty about it though now. I realized I pushed her into shutting down. That she's coping the only way she knows how... That I've been basically doing everything under the pretense she's normal. Which was exactly the wrong way to act." Hind sight is 20/20, guilt though is optional. It was what it was.

"Now she's drowning, and I honestly can't watch anymore. I've seen it happen too many times in the past. I can't see an other loved one go like that. I had to bury my father, fiancé, two good friends; and recently my grandpa. Whos head was shattered and who's blood I had to clean off, basically. I cannot handle burying anyone else any time soon. My loved ones and their well being is 100% my only concern in life.

I thought she hated me, because of the way she acted. She was filled with content at one point. Now after my head is clear I'm not so sure where the PTSD starts and her character begins. This whole time I assumed she's been a heartless bitch." Try not to contrast and compare your present issue with the girlfriend with the people you lost in the past. It is not helpful to ramp up emotional angst and grief when you are dealing with this. Treat it like a stand alone issue?

"I can't be friends with her. She isn't a good friend. Or good GF for that matter but I loved her anyway. I don't think she has the ability to forgive people even when she knows she should." Deciding or choosing to remain friends is an individual decision at the end of a relationship... I loved my ex-husband who was also extremely dysfunctional, abusive, and toxic... but I chose to sever contact with him. How or what you decide is completely up to you.

"So my question is... Am I wrong for cutting her out of my life? Could that be the reason why she isn't getting her things?" Based on what you wrote in the opening post? No you are not wrong and yes, that could be the reason she is not getting her things.

"I'm moving on with or without her. I had to stand my ground and I couldn't let her cross certain lines. ... It's just such a tragedy." Yes, being in love can be a tragedy but when you see someone you love careening toward catastrophe and ramping up drama, going into substance use/abuse I think it's important to recognize that loving them isn't necessarily volunteering to enable by allowing crossed boundaries.... sometimes it is jumping out and away from the situation. It's called a consequence.

It seems very clear to me that there is shared responsibility about the status of the relationship... but that she, driven by PTSD reactivity or not, has transgressed in some major deal breaking ways... like the drug dealing thing. That Sev7, is not PTSD... that is an abuser/addict trying to get and protect access to her substance of choice. So I say, proceed with caution protect yourself with respect to her belongings and yeah, when it resolves and the door is closed self examine the relationship and see if you can pick up why you partnered so that you can perhaps avoid repeating the pattern in your new/next relationship/love interest. I hope this helps you.

 

[The Albatross]

.... Basically this looks like issues of major control here. Leave her alone. Agreed let her get her stuff... @Sev7.

I agree it looks like major controls issues but disagree that right now, as it was presented it is Sev7 doing the controlling. HE wants her stuff out and to be left alone. HE wants her stuff out... SHE won't arrange to come get it. Not even her cat? Really people get a grip.

Really surprised by the dog pile on the opening poster. He loves her and has declared/shared the losses he's sustained in the past and admits this confuses his issues in his relationship with his girlfriend. Geeze.

Is Sev7 a good man in a bad situation? Frankly the way he reads, he sounds better than most to me. Errors in judgment? Sure... however he is well intentioned, still concerned for his girlfriend and loves her.

 

[Love MyHusband]

I don't see you as controlling.. I see you as setting boundaries, which is good. She broke them and you kicked her out.. Also good! At the end of the day you need to do what is best for you. I know you love her and you had good times together, but I think she was hiding a lot of issues inside. It seems you had a hard time pulling out little "ridiculous" problems out of her, I'm sure those were to cover up bigger issues. That's not your fault. That's on her. Don't feel guilty for anything. Like the other poster said, she might have to hit rock bottom before she picks herself up. Trust me, I know you want to be there and hold her hand for her journey, but right now I think it's best if you drop off her stuff somewhere (maybe her hotel or her work or wherever you know) and then break all ties with her. Trust me, I know you want to be be one to fix her. I'm the same way.. But that never ends well. She will drag you down. She has to be the one to change herself. She sounds pretty toxic and you sound like you deserve better. Good luck moving on. :)

 

[Changing4Best]

As long as you are sure that you want her out of your life, put her stuff out on the front yard or porch or wherever you can that is not where you live, keep your doors locked and text her that her stuff is out there and that she needs to come and get it, because you are moving (if you are moving). Then you have done what you could. That is what I would do, if I were in your shoes.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@Sev7, I read everything you typed. I don't like the fact she cheated on you along with the other behaviour too. If I were you I would have to leave but that's just me - because of the cheating, that for me is always the end. It happened to me in the past and I got rid.