A Joke For A Smile

[Jimmy1]

Circumcised

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

 

[Jimmy1]

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you jacked your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut,
had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore;
you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever! the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to The Black Isle together! Have a great life!

********
Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years,
although a good man is a far cry from what you've been.
I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.
I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was
'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice,
I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favourite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating curry 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them,
and I prayed it was a coincidence that my SISTER had just borrowed £50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for £14 million,
I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to the Maldives but when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a penny from me.. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my SISTER Donna was born Donald. I hope that's not a problem.

 

[Jimmy1]

April Fool

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

 

[Jimmy1]

LIFE IN AN AUSSIE MENTAL HOSPITAL


A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks,
'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'

Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'

The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on
his bed masturbating vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?'
To which Davo replies,
'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '. !!

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

It's still very chilly here in the UK so here's a selection of international jokes printed in the UK's Guardian daily newspaper today - with the aim of getting to know another country by its humour and enjoying a chuckle to warm the cockles wherever they are ;)

Australia

2 Aussies adrift in a lifeboat rummage through the provisions and find an old lamp. The first guy rubs the lamp and a genie appears, granting him only one wish. Without giving it much thought the lamp finder says "Turn the ocean into VB Beer!" Th genie claps his hands and the entire sea turns into beer. The genie disappears and long the gently lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the 2 men consider their circumstances. The second Aussie turns to the first and says "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Colombia

Reflecting the dark humour of Colombians about their situation. With the second-highest rate of internally displaced people in the world, and being the most unequal country in South America, many people beg or sell goods at traffic lights. Have you heard the mayor's new jobs plan? Build more traffic lights.

France

The French joke about the Belgians as the English mock the Irish.
A Belgian puts a coin in a vending machine and gets a Coca Cola. He puts a second coin in and gets a second Coca Cola. He puts a third coin in and so on. A Frenchman standing behind him waiting says, "You certainly like Coca Cola".
"Why stop playing when I'm winning." replies the Belgian.


Iran

Jokes in Iran are about ethnic minorities like Turks and Abadani. Recently, President Ahmadinejad has also become a popular target; according to reports, Ahmadinejad's socks have been acknowledged as weapons of mass destruction.

Argentina

Their line of jokes highlight national stereotypes - the Chileans being boring, Paraguayans stupid, Peruvians crooks. Most jokes however are directed at people from Galicia.
A policeman stops a Galician and demands "Give me your first name and surname"
"You what?" the Galician replies. "And what about afterwards? What will I call myself?"

And finally how well do the rest of South America take the p1ss out of the vain, metrosexual Argentinian men .......
A Girl meets an Argentinian man on the street and asks him for a light. He pats his trousers, chest and back pockets. "Sorry," he says, "I don't have one but, wow, do I have a great body or what?"

 

[Jimmy1]

Nice. RG, gave me a chuckle