A Letter For My Family And Friends

[KK3966]

Hi. I'm new here. My boyfriend of 6 months was diagnosed w/combat ptsd about a month before we started dating. He's been out of the Marines for about 8 yrs. He is one of the most amazing, thoughtful men I have ever met. At the same time, the ptsd kicks in, and he is distant & cold. He also cannot sleep, which has got to make everything worse. He has trouble expressing his thoughts & feelings most of the time. I'm left guessing a lot. I can be insecure, so that doesn't always work out so well. I am trying to learn as much as I can, and be supportive, which is why I'm here. I am very much in love with this man. He is worth the effort. There are times when I feel so completely alone. Like I'm in a one-sided relationship. Where I feel desperate for him to show me that he cares about me. I hate feeling that way. When he's not stressed to the max, he is able to discuss these things with me. He apologizes, he says he will try harder to show me he cares and to express himself. Yet the very next day, he can be in what I call his "non-touchy" mode. It kills me to kiss his cheek or hug him, and have him pull away. Sometimes he is so affectionate and so loving, but other than sex, it's rare lately. It truly is an emotional rollercoaster ride. I want to be able to help him, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

 

[Mercy]

Dear Butterfly, Thank you so much for putting into words what I have not been able to explain. The writing on the need to isolate is so clear.

Maybe, my brilliant and thick headed husband might just be able to catch a glimpse of why I live the way I live after dark-basically retreat to the bedroom and watch TV. I don't even want anyone to come in. I can tolerate my daughter's need for closeness but cannot engage in conversation.

Great Job, well done.[DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/javascript:;"]:tup:[/DLMURL]

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Thank you so much for posting this. I was only recently diagnosed with PTSD, and I've been trying to find a way of telling my friends/explaining to them why I've acted the way I have over the years. Your letter expressed exactly what I need to say to them. Thank you for helping me open up.

I am so happy that my thoughts helped you. It makes me feel good to know that someone else can relate to me. I feel less alone. :)

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi. I'm new here. My boyfriend of 6 months was diagnosed w/combat ptsd about a month before we started dating. He's been out of the Marines for about 8 yrs. He is one of the most amazing, thoughtful men I have ever met. At the same time, the ptsd kicks in, and he is distant & cold. He also cannot sleep, which has got to make everything worse. He has trouble expressing his thoughts & feelings most of the time. I'm left guessing a lot. I can be insecure, so that doesn't always work out so well. I am trying to learn as much as I can, and be supportive, which is why I'm here. I am very much in love with this man. He is worth the effort. There are times when I feel so completely alone. Like I'm in a one-sided relationship. Where I feel desperate for him to show me that he cares about me. I hate feeling that way. When he's not stressed to the max, he is able to discuss these things with me. He apologizes, he says he will try harder to show me he cares and to express himself. Yet the very next day, he can be in what I call his "non-touchy" mode. It kills me to kiss his cheek or hug him, and have him pull away. Sometimes he is so affectionate and so loving, but other than sex, it's rare lately. It truly is an emotional rollercoaster ride. I want to be able to help him, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose my mind.

Hi KK,
I must say I feel for you. Your post really helped me too to see what I am putting my husband through. I pull away when he tries to touch me or kiss me. It makes me feel like I'm losing my mind because I used to love being close to him! Please know that what your boyfriend's PTSD is what is causing him to act the way he does with you. It has NOTHING to do with you as a person. If it did, he would not apologize for his "non-touchy" behaviours when he is having good days. Hang in there but don't forget to take care of you. HUGS.

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Dear Butterfly, Thank you so much for putting into words what I have not been able to explain. The writing on the need to isolate is so clear.

Maybe, my brilliant and thick headed husband might just be able to catch a glimpse of why I live the way I live after dark-basically retreat to the bedroom and watch TV. I don't even want anyone to come in. I can tolerate my daughter's need for closeness but cannot engage in conversation.

Great Job, well done.[DLMURL="https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/javascript:;"]:tup:[/DLMURL]

Thank you so much Mercy. I find that my letter has been a huge help to those closest to me. Some used it as a way to excuse their wrongs against me, saying that they now understand why I over react. But that is for them to deal with, I'm not letting it affect me. I know that the people who matter the most to me took my words to heart and respect me.

 

[KK3966]

Thank you Butterfly, I am new and apologize for posting it there. My mistake. Your letter is very informative and well written, and helps shed some light on the ptsd. It's good to hear it from your perspective. I'm sure it will be beneficial for others as well. Thank you, and best wishes to you. Hugs.

 

[MsPositive40]

Dear Butterfly, your letter was amazing!

My boyfriend just broke up with me 5 days ago, he says I deserve to be with someone who can make me happy and can give me everything I deserve. I love this man sooooo much, and I dont know what to do! I have told him that I want to be there with him in this long journey and that im trying to understand his reason for sometimes not being affectionate. But reading your letter I felt as if thats what he is trying to tell me! And I still want to be with him, what should I do? should I call him or should I wait a while longer and give him his space? I wrote him a letter today and I want to mail it to him, do you think that is a good idea?

Again Butterfly thank you so much for sharing that letter with us! You are an amazing human being and you have a wonderful heart!!!:)

<Artistic text edited by Amethist>

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi MsPositive,

I haven't been online in a while so I didn't see your post.

You sure are in a tricky situation but you should be commended for sticking with you bf through this tough time. Many partners walk away (and really, when I think about what it must be like to live with me when I am in a "state", I can't say I blame people who walk). I wish I had the right answers. He may be pushing you away so that he doesn't get hurt and because he finds it easier to be alone That's how I am quite often.

Maybe you could just reassure him that you are there for him when he is ready to let you be and that you are willing to do what it takes to help him on this journey. Give him some space but love him and encourage him from a distance. Reassure him that you will be there if and when he needs you.

I hope this helps!

Butterfly

 

[MsPositive40]

Hi Butterfly,
Thank you so much for your advice, it does really help me alot.
just one question, I sent him a letter on monday I dont know if he has received it or not, should I wait to see if he at least lets me know he got it, or should I just send him a quick text letting him know that Im still here for him?

Mspositive

 

[ButterflyPEI]

Hi Mspositive,

Maybe you could just send him a brief text and let him know you're thinking of him and you're there when he is ready. I wouldn't make to too elaborate. That is just my thought though! Hope it goes well.

Butterfly

 

[MsPositive40]

OMG.... Hello Butterfly
Thanks for your advice, but last night around 8:15pm I read from someone on this forum that they do like the text messages, so as I kept reading I found the courage to text him. I put exactly what you said, I put "thinking Of You" I honestly didnt think he would answer but he did, and right away for that matter. so he asked me "really? what are you thinking of?" so I told him " Of how much I miss you" and he said " I miss you too" it kept going for a little while so I asked him if he wanted to go out for lunch on saturday, and he said he wasnt to sure "maybe"... So I said " you have an open invitation, let me know, then i through in there " I promise I wont bite" and he put Lol..... when I got home last night around 10:30pm He called me I was soooo nervous we talked till about 3Am It was so nice talking to him again. we talked about a little of everything!!! like we always did!!! and he did mention that he received my letter that I had sent him on monday, and said Thank you!!! we talked about it a little but not to much, I didnt want to overwhelm him with all the mushy stuff anyways! But I did let him know that I truley love him and That I will always be here for him! I am not gonna get my hopes up but I think this is a good thing! Sorry for the rambling I just needed to tell someone, and I turn un my computer the first thing that i see was your message, again Thanks Butterfly!!!
Hope everything is well with you ;)

 

[ButterflyPEI]

So happy that things went well MsPositive! This disorder is hell but knowing that you have a constant person in your life who will not walk no matter what helps a lot. I'm so glad you got to talk some. He'll let you know when he's ready to talk about the deeper stuff. It's all baby steps!