General A Loaded Question

[Serasen]

So my husband comes home last night from hanging out with a friend and says to me, "Am I an **shole?".

I said "What kind of loaded question is that? That is like me asking you if you think I am fat".

He just laughed. And it was funny, but still the idea was in my head that somehow the realization that his actions were effecting others must have been brought to light by someone.

I thought this was a really good thing. I also told him that I had been on this forum for a while yesterday and found out that not only are a lot of his reactions normal, but mine are too. We are not the only ones struggling to keep a marriage together in the middle of all this chaos. That was comforting.

There was one thing he said that bothered me though. He said he has decided he wants to try and talk less and listen more. Although I think that listening more would definitely be a plus, I think he also needs to try to be more effective in his communication with me so that I don't feel like I'm walking through a landmine all the time.

He also said he wants to just forget that he was ever in the army. I understand why he would feel this way but I am afraid this is just a setup for failure in the future. I do not think anyone can just willfully forget something that is such a big part of their past. Even if he did manage to push it into faded memories, wouldn't this just be a recipe for disaster the next time something triggers some horrible memory? I do not know what to tell him regarding this. I want to be supportive but it seems like a bad idea.

Again, he is not going to therapy or on medication for ptsd at this time.

 

[p-no]

There was one thing he said that bothered me though. He said he has decided he wants to try and talk less and listen more. Although I think that listening more would definitely be a plus, I think he also needs to try to be more effective in his communication with me so that I don't feel like I'm walking through a landmine all the time.

Listening is part of communication. If you don't listen properly, you can not possibly "communicate back" properly.

Listening properly is not always an easy thing to do with PTSD because you need to stay focussed for a "long" time and you're mostly expected to react fairly fast, which means you have to listen, understand, take it all in and then give an output. People who don't have an impaired brain (like me) tend to not have to consciously think so much. I do. I have to check many things: Who's talking to me? (i.e. Is that person generally meaning well? Or not? Do I have to be very careful because I don't know this person?) What is it about? (i.e. What's the important part of it? Is there a "hidden" meaning?) Etc. Etc. I am exaggerating a bit here, but more or less that's how it goes for me. That's why it takes me time to get to know a person's way of communicating and then I will open up and be "more fluent". This is why I love writing and why I have an agreement with my therapist that we write about things that are really vital in meaning for me: Paper or the computer gives you time to process. It gives you time to re-read. It keeps non-verbal communication signs out (which may be very helpful when talking about real important things because when talking about such things I feel I'm putting my soul at risk -- and that can easily be hurt -- and sometimes I feel like that -- even get killed).

The "landmine-situation" with me can be turned to the better for example by writing. Or by rules, like, identify a small stone, put it on a special place and give it to the other when you would like to talk to him about something. The person who has got the stone will speak first. When he/she is done saying what he/she wanted to say (state, not yell or anything; talk), he/she will be handing the stone over to the other person whose turn it is next. That means, that the one whose turn it is can take as much time to think as he/she wants to. Or simply ask one question back, give you the stone, and you answer. And so on.

Often in communication it happens that we mix many things together although we just wanted to know one thing. That's because expectations and hopes and dreams and reality and both your own experiences are there in the boat with you.

I do not know you or your husband. But I know from my own experience that listening is a great start for improving communication. Talking less does not mean quality, it refers to quantity. That can make a huge difference.

 

[Serasen]

It is a big step and I am very proud of him for coming to that conclusion.

Thank you for the tips. I might have to try those! :)