a new memory (maybe)

[Midnightmoon]

feel mostly better about stopping with that therapist. Part of me feels like I've failed.

I understand this so much from my own T stuff, but you really, really haven't failed. You've successfully advocated for yourself and worked out what he was offering wasn't working (and likely wouldn't work for anyone with a trauma history...)

I think that's what I need to focus on. I keep seeking it and struggle to find it.

Seeking connection and compassion? That's just being a human, when you haven't had it you are even more hungry for it in some ways I think, ...so of course there's deep shame there when it comes. It somehow feels forbidden or dangerous or a trick, that's trauma brain talking, kindness and care can be safe, from safe people.

I really hope new T isn't too long a wait

 

[sidptitala]

I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. I've gone back to acting like I don't exist again. I'm acting like other people are real and I am not real.

I have so much to say and so few opportunities to say it. Need to find those opportunities. Need to sleep enough.

I have so many problems to fix. Bike, sewage pipe. Me. My relationships.

Thinking ill write another letter to my mom. That goes more in depth into my feelings. That is less to do with my dad. It feels wrong he should be the focus. The focus is she made standing up for myself the death knell of having a family, by the way she acted. I don't really know when to give her this. I don't have good support around me for what the fallout might be. Everything feels unreal because I am so tired. Everything unreal because I have to be strong too.

Things are better with my girlfriend. I have to come out at work soon, but I want to sort out what we are first. Both things make me really nervous.

I'm sick of being around people who are so loud about things they know nothing about.

My overwhelming colleague will not listen to me because she can't listen to anyone. Still, I worry she interprets my reserve around my secrets at work as hostility towards her or ingratitude. Unless I tell her otherwise. But I'm so scared to.

 

[sidptitala]

Anger keeping me up. Its so hard to handle.

Anger about *********. What i know and need to say, what people don't know and don't need to talk about until they know better. I added my friend on Instagram and don't know if that's a good idea. Her easy stolen life makes me so angry. She deserves it, too.

Anger at my mom too. For her choices.

 

[sidptitala]

I'm exhausted. I'm so tired. I've gone back to acting like I don't exist again. I'm acting like other people are real and I am not real.

I don't like when I'm like this. I think I've learned from the past year that its a warning sign.

I'm forgetting stuff, important stuff. Forgot my rent was due so was late with it and can feel I am less good at my work. Strugging to show up on time and to talk to people.

Its because I'm tired sure, but more than that because overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by other people because it doesn't feel like there's enough space jn the world for me.

Need to make a commitment to myself. To sit down and give me the space I need, to write those letters. But struggling with basic self care so that takes up my time. Struggling to cook, wash clothes, clean house, exercise and sleep. Fixed bike and sewage pipe will both really help - but these are not as important as the basic tasks that I'm struggling with.

Not sure what to do about colleague. Feel scared to have realised confidentiality doesn't exist for her.

 

[Midnightmoon]

My overwhelming colleague will not listen to me because she can't listen to anyone. Still, I worry she interprets my reserve around my secrets at work as hostility towards her or ingratitude. Unless I tell her otherwise. But I'm so scared to.

I think it's sensible to not disclose to someone who has shown she's unable to be discreet and keep things to herself. If she takes offence to that... So be it... Not your problem to make her feel better about the fact she can't keep confidentiality!

Need to make a commitment to myself. To sit down and give me the space I need, to write those letters. But struggling with basic self care so that takes up my time. Struggling to cook, wash clothes, clean house, exercise and sleep. Fixed bike and sewage pipe will both really help - but these are not as important as the basic tasks that I'm struggling with.

Are the letters another source of overwhelm to add to the pot at the moment- do you need to.go back to basics in the short term and keep the letters on the back burner until the ground is steadier?

 

[sidptitala]

That deep abiding anxiety of not knowing whether you will have a roof over your head. I haven't had it in so long. All my ability to heal thus far has been because I had one (and knew i did in the future too).

Been crying all the time. All the stuff flooding my head is new. All the times I've been homeless as a teen and adult, all the things I've had to do to survive. I'm not ready to tackle this. Not ready to lose my housing. Its too much. I don't have a choice about it and I despair that I ever will.

Finding out the house I live on is getting sold feels like I'm falling over a cliff. I had no idea I had so much trauma about all of that stuff. That what happened when I was so tough because I had to be, would end up cutting so deep.

 

[sidptitala]

It been a week since I found those things out. And that my college financial office isn't happy to have me back.

At first I was hysterical. Now I feel dead inside and numb again.

There's no room for me in my life. I negate myself all day. I provide to others what I don't have. And that's so tiring.

I started new counselling. She didn't think I was psychotic, she called me triggered when I explained what was happening at work. And said therapist deal with being triggered by clients all the time and deal with it by focusing on the differences between the clients experiences and their own. That might help me. Because I'm struggling with that.

I'm wresting with whether to tell her my whole thing next week. Whether to share the document I wrote. The part of me that wants to give that is so restless. (I meant reckless, but yes restless too). So numb and dead and wants any feelings no matter how bad.

I was so restless yesterday. I desperately wanted to day things to my mom. Or to anyone and part of what I wanted was to feel real. And to feel any sense of relief.

 

[Midnightmoon]

It been a week since I found those things out. And that my college financial office isn't happy to have me back.

At first I was hysterical. Now I feel dead inside and numb again.

There's no room for me in my life. I negate myself all day. I provide to others what I don't have. And that's so tiring.

I started new counselling. She didn't think I was psychotic, she called me triggered when I explained what was happening at work. And said therapist deal with being triggered by clients all the time and deal with it by focusing on the differences between the clients experiences and their own. That might help me. Because I'm struggling with that.

I'm wresting with whether to tell her my whole thing next week. Whether to share the document I wrote. The part of me that wants to give that is so restless. (I meant reckless, but yes restless too). So numb and dead and wants any feelings no matter how bad.

I was so restless yesterday. I desperately wanted to day things to my mom. Or to anyone and part of what I wanted was to feel real. And to feel any sense of relief.

For whatever reason it won't let me do anything other than 'like' it which isn't very appropriate. Sorry it's so hard at the min, glad you've started with the new T

 

[BrokenButterfly]

It been a week since I found those things out. And that my college financial office isn't happy to have me back.

At first I was hysterical. Now I feel dead inside and numb again.

There's no room for me in my life. I negate myself all day. I provide to others what I don't have. And that's so tiring.

I started new counselling. She didn't think I was psychotic, she called me triggered when I explained what was happening at work. And said therapist deal with being triggered by clients all the time and deal with it by focusing on the differences between the clients experiences and their own. That might help me. Because I'm struggling with that.

I'm wresting with whether to tell her my whole thing next week. Whether to share the document I wrote. The part of me that wants to give that is so restless. (I meant reckless, but yes restless too). So numb and dead and wants any feelings no matter how bad.

I was so restless yesterday. I desperately wanted to day things to my mom. Or to anyone and part of what I wanted was to feel real. And to feel any sense of relief.

"There's no room for me in my life" Wow. This one sentence hit me so hard

 

[sidptitala]

"There's no room for me in my life" Wow. This one sentence hit me so hard

I'm guessing you relate to it, and I'm not glad about that. But I am glad to not be alone

 

[Lost in the Woods]

Believe me, you are not alone.

 

[sidptitala]

First time in a long time I feel a bit better after counselling.

Last week was brutal. Forgiveness talk and I just can't with that ever again.

But this week was better.

She said my mom's financial dependence explains her blindspot. Although I know that it was good to be reminded. I'm thinking it might help me with the self worth issue. Because that's the meaning I'm carrying about his abuse- that my mom didn't and doesn't care because I'm worth so little to her.

Because I know this I've been trying to encourage her independence. She said last time I talked to her and I gave her information about education courses she can take - 'you are always trying to help me. But that she's not motivated. I felt sad because I want that for her and I also want it for me.

Maybe she's just not interested in being an independent woman. Maybe I would go to extreme lengths to protect myself and family members from abuse but doing that is just not meaningful or important to her. I really don't like that but it might be the truth.