a new memory (maybe)

[sidptitala]

This weekend has been hell. My head is so busy and I'm not sleeping.

Still avoiding everyone.

 

[sidptitala]

I'm struggling so much with sleep this week. 3-5 hours most nights isn't enough for me, my head spins at night, the days blend into one another

I've also been very nauseous this week. More aware of my body in lots of ways. The little pains I never think about, like frozen shoulder and my swollen toe joint.

The past is coming up so so so much - specifically the times when flashbacks first crossed the boundary between dreams and days. I was so nauseous then too, and it was war and in one way deeply unhelpful. In another way, it was helpful because it told me what to do about my creepy colleague and I was so freaked out that I did those things- even though that took courage I don't normally have. That is one example where I actually asked for help and I'm glad I did. I know it would eat me up with guilt now if I hadn't, wondering what else he could have done to other people because of my silence.

Sometimes I'm genuinely so glad to be alive. I know that even when I wanted to die I wanted to live because when there were guns pointed at me, I ran. I ran because I was in charge of protecting my colleagues and they could not have got themselves out. But also, I think I probably would have run if I was on my own too. Even though there is meaning in dying in that way. I don't have to die, unlike others I am not sentenced to death. I appreciate that; I appreciate being alive.

I am clinging to the idea that I will still be able to love life, even if I look on purpose at the things I'm running away from. I don't know if that's true- I can get depressed and I'm afraid of that. And I'm scared of how afraid I generally am- I'm scared people will hurt me both intentionally and unintentionally, and that I won't be able to tell the difference.

I love life so much more when I sleep enough. That's one serious battle for me - sleeping enough. Not sleeping enough prevents me from appreciating little things like sunlight, train journeys, the taste of coffee, novels, exercise.

But - But I finally got my bike fixed. And I'm hoping that will help tire me out. And also show me beautiful scenery, in the course of my day.

 

[sidptitala]

Therapist yesterday. We have a weird new dynamic where I actually really want to tell her exactly what happened and what's happening now. But I'm not allowed to because it would start an investigation into him if I said that it was my dad. Because they have my details they can easily find his.

I have to be so careful about what I say to her. She told me this last week. That I had to make a decision between talking about how i felt or what happened or by who these things happened. I tried to do that this week - feelings and events but nothing about who it is.

But it was hard to stick to. I felt like I had to say the person I am not allowed to name is still a threat to me, otherwise she might say things to me like 'you survived' or 'you are safe now.' And I wouldn't have the freedom to correct her. Thats the meaning of oppression to me -not being allowed to correct wrong assumptions about how safe you are because you are not safe enough to speak. I have so much experience with that enforced silence called oppression and I despair ever having enough power to say anything real and survive it.

I don't know how the hell I can get over this without talking about it.

Partly I need to talk about it because it's not 'over' and I need to strategise about how to become safe.

I've never been safe. I don't know what that feels like.

Never been free to speak. I don't know what that feels like either.

 

[sidptitala]

She said the agency's policy about reporting comes from this understanding- an abusive parent doesn't need to be reported because the entitlement is specific to that relationship. 'I can do anything I want because I'm the adult and I own this child.' So there isn't a risk towards other children.

And she said paedophilia is different from this. That usually there is a risk to other children in cases like that. She asked me if he had contact with any other children. He does not. She's satisfied with that. I said I took my responsibility to others seriously and she says she knows that because I reported my creepy colleague before.

It made me think about him. Her getting permission to let me name him without reporting him hinges on convincing her that he's no risk to any child currently and her convincing her manager this.

What do I think the nature of his issue is?

Its true that he doesn't have contact with children. Children dont warm to him, they cry and hide. He can't compell access to them because they are not his.

Its also true that he struggles with adult interactions. He rarely seems comfortable with adult men. In family gatherings he was always wrestling with the children. In my heart of hearts I can't say other children have or would be completely safe. I would certainly never allow a child of mine around him if I had one.

Thats weird to think about - I wouldn't allow him the physical contact, the hugs and kisses he would want and I recoil at giving him. I would prevent a future child from having those even if the child wanted it. My family would think that was selfish of me to put my wishes ahead of the child's. If the childs wishes were the same as mine it would be selfish of the child and cruel of me to allow the child those boundaries, cruel towards him. They think its selfish of me to put my wishes in front of his now, by recoiling this way.

I never want to touch him ever again.

I have several male clients that remind me of him, and that push the boundaries around personal touch. These are old men far away from their families who are in crisis and are also hitting on me. I'm going to have to try and take care of myself about this somehow.

(Then there are other clients, women who have lived what I have lived. Working as a merchant of the future when I'm unsure if there is one. Women tell me all the time the story i am not allowed to say.)

My bandwidth for listening with clients is a lot smaller when I am not allowed to say the truth myself. This means I can become destabilised more easily (its a problem because work is the only stable thing in my life).

 

[sidptitala]

I don't know what to say to my girlfriend.

I've been in a dissociative fog all week. Unslept and having flashbacks too (new images, his penis in my face).

Told her I'm sorry it took a day to reply- I told her I was spaced out. She was so angry, and wants more explanation. Said it makes her feel worthless when I don't reply quickly. I said, I can guarantee I'll reply when I have space - I can't guarantee any fixed amount of time. She said I disappear for days and she doesn't understand that I disappear from myself too. She doesn't care how I feel, just needs me to show up for her.

Since I now work with clients, my relationship feels like work because I don't feel like I can share feelings (because she doesn't care, because she's already mad at me for not helping her)

My job exhausts me. I talk to people in crisis all day, and I catch that because I'm just faking fine, not really fine.

I'm isolating myself because I can't answer people questions honestly and I don't want to answer at all, because hiding is just so much work.

I've long felt that when I tell her about sexual abuse her reaction will determine whether I leave her. I hang back because I don't know how to say that. She could also get me killed by reporting that and I need to trust that she won't before I say anything. We've never really talked about my feelings in our relationship. It's not really structured around what's helpful or supportive for me - her anger has worked on me. It's kept me in a very small place.

Searching for some books I can read about how to communicate with her and how to handle this type of conflict.

 

[sidptitala]

Therapist today. Talking about talking. It frustrates me, not feeling free to speak. She talks because I can't.

I don't want her to tell me that I'm safe now. Because I'm not. I aspire to be safe some day - but I don't see a path to that.

I need help navigating life when I'm constantly in danger and can't count on other people. I can't count on other people; I haven't been able to. I've been wise not to speak even as I've been criticised for how secretive I am.

I don't want anyone to tell me I'm not in danger.

f*ck mandatory reporting. Taking away my right to speak.

I'm so angry. I'm biting my hands and punching my palms. Chewing through pens. Ranting to myself.

Felling reckless. Feeling so oppressed and unfree I need to release all this somewhere

 

[Midnightmoon]

f*ck mandatory reporting. Taking away my right to speak.

We don't have the same system here and I can't begin to think about the mental gymnastics I'd be dealing with if I had that over my head too. Does it help to write it out privately on paper or securely off of the internet, just get the words/ feelings out a little. It's not enough, it needs to be witnessed and understood and held by someone fully and I'm so sorry that the system means thats been taken away from you

 

[sidptitala]

Thank you @Midnightmoon. It means a lot not to be alone with this.

mental gymnastics

This is the perfect description. Such mental gymnastics. It's horrible trying to find help when the consequences for accidentally saying too much are so severe.

It's not enough, it needs to be witnessed and understood and held by someone fully

I'm lucky that the new therapist I'm seeing thinks this too. Which adds to the frustration for me because I can see that she would help me, if only I were allowed to talk to her.

 

[sidptitala]

I wonder if there's any way I can ask the therapist not to write down that I've told her who he is. The only way the child protection agency will find this out is if she tells them. I wonder if she can keep it out of her notes. I know this is an audacious thing to ask of her but I'm really desperate.

This weekend I've been trying to find ways out, raging inside my body, and I can't stop biting and hitting myself (but now I have bruises so I have to stop).

I phoned a helpline and they advised me to leave the country.

I spoke to another women's organisation about any legal options I have to keep him away from me (there's none). They suggested I meet with someone who can help me to make a 'safety plan'. I will try to do this and I wonder how I'm going to navigate speaking to them about my situation without triggering another report. I'll have to tell them who he is to me because that's the reason I can find no legal options for keeping him away from me. Don't know whether I should say that the context for this is being worried about a report going in and him coming after me if it does.

I've been thinking of all sorts of other options. If only I could rely on my family to protect me.

I thought about trying to insist that my mom protects me. Tell her I will not visit her until she guarantees me that she will.

Legally I would be better off just 'provoking' him, letting him beat me again and capturing it on video, then bringing it to police and trying to charge him with assault. If I lived with him or he was someone else to me I could get a restraining order but because he's my father, I can't. (He can get one against me though, lol). Actually, that probably wouldn't even qualify me for one because he's my dad. f*ck the system, god.

I also cannot bear to be assaulted by him again. I'll do anything including kill myself before he can put his hands on me again.

This would all be so much smoother if he was dead. At times I hate myself for not being able to suppress all these memories until safety. I'd be allowed seek counselling and speak freely if he was dead. But I can't stop having flashbacks about sexual abuse. I need help with those, I can't just ignore them.

I'm just really limited in what help is available and I feel so backed into a corner.

 

[sidptitala]

It only occured to me today what a huge role my mom is playing in maintaining my unsafety. Why hasn't she left him? She saw him assault me multiple times.

(he may have assaulted my sister only this year).

This hell of always calculating my safety and of being reminded that no one cares about my safety except for me. Being reminded no one values me. She decided to let me live like this, she justifies making that decision. She didn't have to. She could leave him. She actually, really could.

Maybe this is what I will ask her. I feel like I've been forced to address everything all at once.

 

[Midnightmoon]

I'm sorry, this is such a horrendous situation to be in. How detailed are Ts notes? My old T actually showed me my own notes when I got all paranoid about being able to tell her something. They were so minimal, so so minimal, there is no way they could ever be used as 'evidence' of anything. Obvs Ts cannot intentionally lie but I don't know what the rules are there about how much they have to document or not. I'm sorry this is what you have to contend with, it seems like the system works against the very people it's there to protect sometimes

 

[sidptitala]

How detailed are Ts notes?

It seems like they are pretty detailed. She got the notes from the previous man I saw and knew specific details I told him (he told me his notes were extremely vague! She told me they were very detailed! If I had known he was writing all that I couldn't have said it)

They were so minimal, so so minimal, there is no way they could ever be used as 'evidence' of anything

Unfortunately I think this service has much more detailed notes required. She has made it very clear that if I say he's my dad she is required to report that to our version of cps.

Obvs Ts cannot intentionally lie

Yes! This makes me so so so glad I changed from the man who straight up lied to me - my gut was so right about that.

This week i will definitely ask her about what sort of details she's writing down and why she has to. And also ask her if there's any way that she can not write down his relationship to me.