A New Relationship, Adjusting

[piratelady]

I have been seeing someone for a few weeks now. He is completely different than anyone I've ever dated. He's chivalrous, almost to a fault. He asks me what I want to do when planning dates, even goes so far as to make sure that how he is asking me out (often by text message) is ok or if I would prefer a phone call.

Honestly, all of that weirded me out and I was going to stop seeing him. I decided to talk to my friend about it and she made a comment about how some people may be so conditioned to being mistreated, that when someone actually treats them well it almost feels unnatural.

I think she's right and that I was conditioned to think that how I was treated in my abusive marriage is normal. Crazy me was ready to stop seeing someone for NOT being abusive! Once she pointed that out, it is so much easier to simply accept him.

The next part - eventually telling him about my past and explaining my the scars from my self-harm. I am pretty sure he's noticed them by now. I told my therapist my plan was to not bring it up and hope he wouldn't want to discuss it, lol. He called me on my avoidance. I still haven't figured out how/when to have that conversation. Also, since I've sort of let my guard down and am starting to have more feelings for him, I am more fearful of him not accepting it. I will need to deal with all of this eventually though.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Piratelady Hi! I am happy for you and hoping your new relationship flourishes and is healthy. Just do not forget to listen to your instincts!

 

[Nicolette]

Very happy for you Pirate Lady - best of luck for the future :hug:

 

[amethist]

So happy you have found someone who treats you as the lady you are.

Go with the flow as far as revealing any of your issues, you may find one day you tell him and he excepts it as part of who you are now.

 

[piratelady]

Thanks Amethist. I hope that is the case.

I keep bouncing between being happy and looking forward to spending time with him and fear that I've let my guard down and something bad will happen. By bad I mean, that he is not as nice as he seems or that he will not be accepting of me. I feel kind of out of control, and I don't like that feeling much at all.

Part of me just really needs to isolate right now, but the other part of me wants to spend more time with him. I keep trying to find balance between me/my needs, my friends, work, and him. So far I don't feel successful. He did text me and we're not going to go on another date until Thursday. Maybe that will give me enough alone time to feel like I've regained some control over...something.

 

[99Phoenix99]

I'm not sure if this is out of line or anything but there's a book I recently read that's really helped me in the dating world. Most recently with an ex contacting me two weeks ago wanting to try to renew things after an ugly break up.

It's called "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov. Now it's not about actually being a bitch. It's about a "Babe being in Total Control of Herself." By doing exactly what you said making sure she keeps a BALANCE in her life and not all of the sudden dropping things in her life to accommodate a guy.

What I've taken most from the book is this: You're being perused by this guy yes? Then to put things in animalistic terms you are his "prize". Now for me that was insulting as first. But you know what? You are a prize. If he's interested then you have nothing to try to prove to him. In fact it's HE who needs to prove to YOU that he's good enough for YOU. Enjoy and expect how nicely he treats you. If he compliments you... take it. Say thank you once and that's it. Because it's not "oh you really think so?" It's "Oh so you noticed? *wink wink*"

It's mostly about empowering yourself and how others respect and are attracted to someone who is self empowered :D

Basically be confident in yourself. The more confidence you have the more positively they respond.

Reading it really put my mind at ease. Normally I'm not one for self help books, but with this ex trying to get in my life I was pretty shaken and tried reading some of the free samplers on my Kindle. And this one in particular really spoke to me.

I was a bit skeptical about the advice the book said for my situation about it being more unnerving to say NOTHING about a subject that upsets you especially when they think there's going to be an emotional outburst from you.... but it was right. It worked like magic. I said practically nothing and demanding nothing and he was talking up a storm.

I suppose if I'm saying anything in this message it would be this... take care of yourself first. Make dates when it's convenient for you. You are a prize. Make him work for it. And then he'll treat you like the prize like you never imagined!

 

[rh1989]

I am literally having the same problem!! I am starting to talk to this guy and I didnt realize till now how much my PTSD has an effect on my relationships (with boys). I have a good group of girlfriends that have been there for me for 12 years now. Basically since Middle School. Its mainly with boys. I just havent really noticed it because I always pushed them away before it started to developing into something else.

I have been talking to this guy for a couple weeks now and its been very difficult for me to be open with him. At first, I was scared of him honestly. But then I got to know him on a more personal level, and he is a great guy. But i am still so tense, nervous, and closed off around him that I think it is fading a little. Of course, I dont have a problem with that because it is out of my comfort level, but i have realized I need to get passed this! I dont want to be alone for the rest of my life. I need to learn to trust guys and be open about myself. How do you all push yourselves over your struggles??

 

[piratelady]

But i am still so tense, nervous, and closed off around him that I think it is fading a little.

I have noticed that over time my anxiety in regards to opening up has started to dissipate. I have even told him a few things that he did in the beginning that made me feel uncomfortable and how I came to feel better about it. I have started to eluding to the abuse that happened in my marriage. I still think he needs to know eventually. I'm still just not quite there yet.

How do you all push yourselves over your struggles??

When I created this thread I had the exact same question in my head. I was a little bummed that no one had psychic powers to pick up on that and miraculously answer my question, lol. Anyway, I think I figured it out:

I don't think it's something that we can push through. What I mean by that is that it comes with trust and trust takes time to build. This guy and I have been seeing each other for a bit over a month now. As I look back I can see how I gradually become more and more comfortable with him and more trusting. That happened progressively as he continued to treat me respectfully. The trust was built over time. Now I feel as though I can trust telling him almost anything.

The part I did have to push myself through though was giving him a chance and not turning and running based on fears of past relationships. That was hard. I was able to do that by talking with my friends about the relationship as it progressed. Telling them what is bothering me and having them tell me what they think. Basically, I don't fully trust my own judgment. My friend who gave me the insight in the original post is probably what kept me in the relationship to this point. Eventually, we all have to face our fears. That doesn't mean throwing caution to the wind, but it does mean not running the second we feel a little unsure. Personally, I am glad I have someone outside my relationship to talk to and bounce ideas off of. It feels kind of like a safety net.

I hope this all makes sense...my head is a little off today :)