Not really sure where to begin here. Do I begin at the beginning, the middle, or the present? Maybe what is in my head at the time but my head is such a mess lately. I find myself thinking of things I haven't of in a long time. Maybe a short history to start?
I think I forget things that have been traumatic or just bury them deep. I guess this allowed me to semi function most of my life. I am not sure when that started to backfire on me.
I was molested as a child and I believe there was emotional abuse as well. A couple of my siblings have told me they were physically abused as well. I don't remember anything but the sexual abuse and for a long time have held a weird belief that other than being a pedophile that my Dad was an okay guy. We were taken out of this situation when I was nine and for many years believed that this did not have any power over me any more.
Since I have become an adult I have had a series of psychologically abusive relationships. I did leave these relationships but I have kids with them, so have had to share custody. The first one I was able to make a fairly clean break from. By the time I had left I felt beaten and hopeless. I had watched my husband cut up his arms with a big knife when I talked about leaving. Whenever I think of this, even 18 years later, it makes me cringe and sometimes a little nauseous.
My next relationship was short. I realized right away something was off but still have a kid from it. One of this man's favorite things to do was call me to yell at me when I did not get out of work when he thought I should. Funny thing is he knew how scheduling worked because he used to work there.
My next relationship I think I overlooked a lot in the beginning. The red flags I think were there but I didn't recognize them for what they were. It wasn't until he moved me and my girls to a whole other state though that I really saw him more clearly. Have I ever seen him clearly though? I have told myself since I left 9 years ago maybe it was the trauma of losing his sister, or the stress of work. I am not so sure anymore because of his behavior over the past nine years and what I can remember from before. Things like he didn't want me on birth control because I believed what he said about worrying about my health. I could go into a whole long story about all of this but am going to save it for now.
I guess I should include how I became a mom for the fourth time. I guess I had started feeling like no one had ever loved me about 6 years ago. So I think I was seeking that connection. I know I went about it the wrong way but I let myself think someone was different and well now I have a kid. I am ashamed to admit though that I went through a period that I took to be my hormones being out of control due to my age. Now I wonder if it was something going on in my head. Anyway his Dad dropped out of his life. I do feel bad he doesn't have a father but I would rather try to give him all the love and support I can than have him experience some of things his siblings have.
I have have been hospitalized in the past as teenager about three times. I even attempted suicide once. Since that time I have not had any sustained therapy or mental health help. I sought help last year a couple of times but due to my daughter's issues I felt I had to choose helping her over getting to those things.
I will include other things later. The one thing that popped into my head earlier has to do with Ex #2. Before he moved us to another state there was a period where he lived with me and attended school. Now in my mind financially we were not that bad off and I didn't think it was a big deal for him to just focus on school. Eventually though I guess he decided he had to go back to work. I always thought this was him being old fashioned because he is 18 years older than me. Looking at all the ways he has tried to control me over the years though I am wondering was this really a control issue? This is a guy who tried to deny me a vacation because "it was't in the court order". Who am I kidding though? Yeah he has controlled me despite breaking up over 9 years ago. Well along with Ex #2 who yelled at me over mismatched socks that our daughter brought to a visit. So I bought a package of socks and sent it for her keep over there. Anything to keep the peace which is a lie I tell myself because it doesn't work.
Anyway my head is a mess these days. I struggle to concentrate and remember things. Even reading is difficult and I love to read. So I guess I will post things as they pop in my head.
I think I forget things that have been traumatic or just bury them deep. I guess this allowed me to semi function most of my life. I am not sure when that started to backfire on me.
I was molested as a child and I believe there was emotional abuse as well. A couple of my siblings have told me they were physically abused as well. I don't remember anything but the sexual abuse and for a long time have held a weird belief that other than being a pedophile that my Dad was an okay guy. We were taken out of this situation when I was nine and for many years believed that this did not have any power over me any more.
Since I have become an adult I have had a series of psychologically abusive relationships. I did leave these relationships but I have kids with them, so have had to share custody. The first one I was able to make a fairly clean break from. By the time I had left I felt beaten and hopeless. I had watched my husband cut up his arms with a big knife when I talked about leaving. Whenever I think of this, even 18 years later, it makes me cringe and sometimes a little nauseous.
My next relationship was short. I realized right away something was off but still have a kid from it. One of this man's favorite things to do was call me to yell at me when I did not get out of work when he thought I should. Funny thing is he knew how scheduling worked because he used to work there.
My next relationship I think I overlooked a lot in the beginning. The red flags I think were there but I didn't recognize them for what they were. It wasn't until he moved me and my girls to a whole other state though that I really saw him more clearly. Have I ever seen him clearly though? I have told myself since I left 9 years ago maybe it was the trauma of losing his sister, or the stress of work. I am not so sure anymore because of his behavior over the past nine years and what I can remember from before. Things like he didn't want me on birth control because I believed what he said about worrying about my health. I could go into a whole long story about all of this but am going to save it for now.
I guess I should include how I became a mom for the fourth time. I guess I had started feeling like no one had ever loved me about 6 years ago. So I think I was seeking that connection. I know I went about it the wrong way but I let myself think someone was different and well now I have a kid. I am ashamed to admit though that I went through a period that I took to be my hormones being out of control due to my age. Now I wonder if it was something going on in my head. Anyway his Dad dropped out of his life. I do feel bad he doesn't have a father but I would rather try to give him all the love and support I can than have him experience some of things his siblings have.
I have have been hospitalized in the past as teenager about three times. I even attempted suicide once. Since that time I have not had any sustained therapy or mental health help. I sought help last year a couple of times but due to my daughter's issues I felt I had to choose helping her over getting to those things.
I will include other things later. The one thing that popped into my head earlier has to do with Ex #2. Before he moved us to another state there was a period where he lived with me and attended school. Now in my mind financially we were not that bad off and I didn't think it was a big deal for him to just focus on school. Eventually though I guess he decided he had to go back to work. I always thought this was him being old fashioned because he is 18 years older than me. Looking at all the ways he has tried to control me over the years though I am wondering was this really a control issue? This is a guy who tried to deny me a vacation because "it was't in the court order". Who am I kidding though? Yeah he has controlled me despite breaking up over 9 years ago. Well along with Ex #2 who yelled at me over mismatched socks that our daughter brought to a visit. So I bought a package of socks and sent it for her keep over there. Anything to keep the peace which is a lie I tell myself because it doesn't work.
Anyway my head is a mess these days. I struggle to concentrate and remember things. Even reading is difficult and I love to read. So I guess I will post things as they pop in my head.
