It is kind of a letter? Not sure. Hugs, insight, prayers, support, would be nice. I will give you hugs and support back! I support you all regardless though I hope you all know that.
Here is a shout out to all of you who have ever hurt me, used me, abused me, or screwed me over. (Not necessarily a f*ck you to the family members I mention but I am saying they hurt me and I am upset about it). No, the f*ck you goes to certain someones whom are not related to me.
Dad- You used, abused, and betrayed me, and claimed to not know what you were doing was wrong. I actually even believe you because you didn't know better. Still, it has greatly affected me, but I still love you. I am just confused about how to feel about it since you were always doing it without harmful intentions to me and since you are so wonderfully nice to me now. The only reason I think you did it was to obtain emotional gratification and validation. Your sexual frustrations and feelings that were vented to me, with me, at me, were just you trying to figure them out. You ran them by me in an attempt to gain clarity. Perhaps you really did want to hear me tell you that you were sexy and that mom should touch and pleasure you; I don't know... but I don't think you were doing it to "get off" at least not in a sexual way... perhaps an emotionally sexual way??? THIS is why I am so damn confused and betrayed and sickened by all if this. It would be so much easier to know how to feel and react if I KNEW why or what your reasons were. All I know is that you do love me with your whole heart and that you didn't want to scar me by doing this. You didn't think about the implications of your selfishness. You only thought about your personal needs and used me to make yourself feel better. I feel emotionally raped, and sexually violated in an emotional way not physical if that makes any sense at all... although I do feel disgusting physically when I think about this ALL... I am all mixed up and I STILL have not came to a confusion... shit
You physically abused me too. A lot of the "games" you played with me when we were just "horse-playing" were very physically painful but I laughed and even liked them maybe and asked to do them even though they hurt because I thought they were a fun game and I then got to do the stuff back to you. You would feign that you were in pain but how could 4 or 5 year old me really hurt you hahahaha.....
The few times you punished me in the most intense and painful ways was with the belt. They went past the point of no return. I think they were excessive. I admit there were a few times I deserved them but some of the times were just uncalled for... I don't know......
Grandpa- Basically growing up in that house with you and grandma, I learned that you were terrible. You had this evilness inside of you. You were so filled with hate. You terrorized me and caused me to feel worthless. I had to watch you slowly kill grandma: sucking the life out of her. I took care of her physically when she would be so weak from your hate and emotional abuse and verbal tirades. You tortured her grandpa. I don't know why but I felt responsible for protecting her. I took on her pain and it became mine; just like with my dad. I think I voluntarily did this perhaps, I am not sure. I know it broke my heart into so many irreparable pieces each time I saw her die a little more inside. I died with her.
It wasn't just her you hurt. You hurt me indirectly by hurting her, this is true, but your wrath was directed towards me so many times I can't even keep track. You told me things that made me feel worthless and screwed up. You told me I couldn't do anything right. You looked at me like you hated me. You bashed my family and myself. I can't even verbalize the pain you caused me. You hurt me emotionally and scared me. I was a little girl grandpa. I was from the ages of infancy until 16 or so... but the abuse didn't sink in until I was old enough to feel the terror of your hate and rage and evilness (so about 4 or so until the age if 13 or so which is when I started staying home alone) although I still came over until grandma finally died when I was 16. Your emotional and verbal abuse really did wonders on top of the other stuff that was happening in my life. Thanks for that...
I do need to admit though that I was really mean to you sometimes. I would pick on you and instigate things to spite you because I was so angry and hurt by you. I did do things that hurt you and I am sorry about that. I always thought I hated you but when you died I cried so much which unnerved me. I did love you. You weren't ALWAYS bad. I can think of a few select times when you were endearing and I do thank you for those even though they can all be counted on one or maybe both hands... not too many good times in the span of 16 years but it was better than nothing.
Other family members (dad's sisters)- Thanks for enabling the cycle of dysfunction to continue and for brainwashing me (even further in conjunction with what dad was telling me and what grandma was telling me) to believe it was my duty and responsibility to take care of and protect my dad from my terrible mom... Basically making me feel like I had to take everything because it was my duty to make my dad happy and make him feel loved and cared for... But, like my dad, you were all brainwashed into thinking it was normal... So, I can't really blame you all either. Well, the cycle ends with me!!! (to this day they still do this...)
Grandma- I love you so much, you have always known this and I hope you rest in peace, but I was already hearing all of the horrible things about my mom from all angles and yet you too told me how much you disapproved and disliked her and how she was horrible for hurting my dad and all of this stuff... I don't think anybody knew how hard it was for me (early on when I was really young) and how confusing it was to hear all of this stuff about my mother. I LOVED my mommy so much!!! I began to hate her though. A bitterness so strong and deep that then festered in hate... You had no right. I will always have this deep resentment towards her... I admit, it is better between mom and I now since I can look back with adult eyes and see what was really happening but I still have this partiality towards my dad. I have an obligation towards him. I think I always will maybe. The chance at a healthy, undefiled, and unbiased relationship with her is screwed up. She tells me to just forgive and forget and move on. She blames me for hating her and I know it causes her pain and it KILLS me inside knowing I am the cause of it. I still can't tell her why (although she knows briefly about what dad did and that he poisoned me against her...) she knows not the full extent to which this all happened. I can't tell her. She will always blame me and that will have to be how it is.
Mom- I know in my heart so much of what I was told was probably true just because I saw with my own eyes how you are. How you were. How terribly you treated my daddy. I loved him with such an unhealthy intensity mom and just writing this all is killing me all over again in ways you will NEVER be able to understand. You are a secretive person about your past and I know your childhood plays into why you have done the things you have and why you act the way you do. I do apologize for dad drawing conclusions as to why you do the things you do and making them seem like they are all to hurt him directly. He DOESN'T know for a fact why you do the things you do and I don't either. But, I admit, the reasons he told me DO make sense. They fit...
I am sad how you would always seem to talk about dad and bash him around everyone. You did it while I was present. You KNEW how much I loved dad and was attached to him and you watched my reaction sometimes when you talked about him. It is like you did it to spite me and like you wanted to hurt me by doing this. You STILL do it to this day! I don't blame you though I am bad...
I don't think it is right to EVER talk about marital problems in front of a child. I don't condone it but in your case I think you were maybe punishing me for how I treated you because you could tell I favored dad and that I loved him so much (in an almost unhealthy way.....) and despised you. (Maybe I am just being paranoid... See? Mixed up...) I didn't want to despise you mom... I didn't mean too... I'm sorry mommy. I wish I could do it all over...
I am sorry for everything and for the pain I have caused you. I am SO MIXED UP I dont know which is up or down anymore. I cant trust myself. I hate me. I do love you though and am very sorry it had to be like this.
Here are the big f*ck you's :
C- F*ck you for manipulating my mind and brainwashing me into believing I deserved and actually wanted and potentiated the physical, emotional, verbal, mental, and spiritual abuse you put me through. Oh yeah, and for an*lly r*ping me in such a brutal and painful way. For all the COUNTLESS times you r*ped me when I didn't even understand and see it for what it was: r*pe. I don't know how many times I have been r*ped in my life. TOO many times. You were so damned cunning and suave. You could make anything believable even if proof was sitting right in front of everyone. I still don't get how I was under your spell. I just know you hurt me so badly. I was in love with you. You used that against me and told me that everybody did this to their girlfriends and wives. It was normal. You were aware I had never had a boyfriend before and used it. You took away my life and freedom. You almost killed me. F*ck you!!!! I finally got out from under your grasp. Almost 2 years. 2 years too long.
G- For betraying my (then) boyfriend (your best friend) by r*ping me. I trusted you. We were friends. How could you. You hurt me when I was at my most vulnerable. It makes me physically ill thinking about what you did that night. I thought it would never end. You contributed to the fail of my relationship with him. I was so in love with him. But I suppose it all happens for a reason. Still, you hurt my pride and my emotins. My trust was stripped once again. How? WHY??? I am so mad at you.
Anybody else who has ever screwed me over in life. I probably even deserve a f*ck you too for I am no saint and I admit that. I have done MANY wrongs in this life. I am guilty for hurting my mom and dad and family and many other people.
I am guilty and confused about how I LOVED my dad and believed him only because I was young and innocent. I believed point blank. I let him and my grandma and his sisters poison me and it caused me to HATE my mom.
I am guilty and confused about how I once LOVED my dad and saw no fault at all with him and BLAMED my mom for everything because of the stuff I believed.
Now, I am starting to turn around and see my mom and love her but I still feel anger and resentment and a twinge of "hate" but not REAL hate. I am confused about how I NEVER saw a thing wrong about my dad and yet now I am so angry with him and am feeling anger and resentment and "hate" towards him. A COMPLETE 180!!!! What the heck?!?!?!
I confuse myself even further by defending dad on a heartbeat when my mom says anything about him beacuse I have this obligation to him. It is second nature. It is almost like I feel programmed to do this and I can't control how I feel.
I also now feel this way towards mom when someone says something about her... Then I in turn feel guilty and "wrong and bad" for feeling bad for her beacuse I am supposed to protect dad and feel bad for him... F*CK this is dumb and complex and confusing...
Who would have known that this all could screw me up in the head so bad? WHO would have known that telling a child from early years on that she is supposed to protect her daddy-her PURPOSE- would really sink in and totally mess with how my brain works and relates to people. Who would have thought that the constant mental and emotional and even sexually emotional abuse (from dad) and the playful physical abuse that you believed was just playful and the few excessive punishments would totally f*ck me up so much...??
Then the mental, verbal, emotional, spiritual, and sexual humiliation along with countless r*pes by ex and the ONE by G, just toally put the cherry on top of it all. I know that a lot of what happened to me wasn't sexual. It was mentally sexual abuse in some ways but a lot of it was emotional and mental and physical. Which makes me think it doesn't even belong here on this site? Whoops....
Thanks for the support regardless. I literally am so mixed up over how to feel and act and just relate and how to integrate all of this. It starts to drive me mad. I have started to possibly dissociate when I get triggered or when I think about this all for too long or when I have a severe panic/anxiety attack. I am not sure if it is "true" dissociation or not... I get very spacey and am not really all the way "present" and I feel fuzzy and like I am in a dream. I can't really explain it. It is weird. Sometimes I feel disconnected from reality momentarily and I just "go through the motions" of the day while I am in this "state". Can anyone help clarify this? Thanks so much. It gets confusing...
Sorry if this was HARD to follow and I don't blame you if you didn't even finish it as I just kept on rambling... My mind is ALL mixed up.... Sorry...
Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day! ♥♥♥
Much love, Chantel ♥
Here is a shout out to all of you who have ever hurt me, used me, abused me, or screwed me over. (Not necessarily a f*ck you to the family members I mention but I am saying they hurt me and I am upset about it). No, the f*ck you goes to certain someones whom are not related to me.
Dad- You used, abused, and betrayed me, and claimed to not know what you were doing was wrong. I actually even believe you because you didn't know better. Still, it has greatly affected me, but I still love you. I am just confused about how to feel about it since you were always doing it without harmful intentions to me and since you are so wonderfully nice to me now. The only reason I think you did it was to obtain emotional gratification and validation. Your sexual frustrations and feelings that were vented to me, with me, at me, were just you trying to figure them out. You ran them by me in an attempt to gain clarity. Perhaps you really did want to hear me tell you that you were sexy and that mom should touch and pleasure you; I don't know... but I don't think you were doing it to "get off" at least not in a sexual way... perhaps an emotionally sexual way??? THIS is why I am so damn confused and betrayed and sickened by all if this. It would be so much easier to know how to feel and react if I KNEW why or what your reasons were. All I know is that you do love me with your whole heart and that you didn't want to scar me by doing this. You didn't think about the implications of your selfishness. You only thought about your personal needs and used me to make yourself feel better. I feel emotionally raped, and sexually violated in an emotional way not physical if that makes any sense at all... although I do feel disgusting physically when I think about this ALL... I am all mixed up and I STILL have not came to a confusion... shit
You physically abused me too. A lot of the "games" you played with me when we were just "horse-playing" were very physically painful but I laughed and even liked them maybe and asked to do them even though they hurt because I thought they were a fun game and I then got to do the stuff back to you. You would feign that you were in pain but how could 4 or 5 year old me really hurt you hahahaha.....
The few times you punished me in the most intense and painful ways was with the belt. They went past the point of no return. I think they were excessive. I admit there were a few times I deserved them but some of the times were just uncalled for... I don't know......
Grandpa- Basically growing up in that house with you and grandma, I learned that you were terrible. You had this evilness inside of you. You were so filled with hate. You terrorized me and caused me to feel worthless. I had to watch you slowly kill grandma: sucking the life out of her. I took care of her physically when she would be so weak from your hate and emotional abuse and verbal tirades. You tortured her grandpa. I don't know why but I felt responsible for protecting her. I took on her pain and it became mine; just like with my dad. I think I voluntarily did this perhaps, I am not sure. I know it broke my heart into so many irreparable pieces each time I saw her die a little more inside. I died with her.
It wasn't just her you hurt. You hurt me indirectly by hurting her, this is true, but your wrath was directed towards me so many times I can't even keep track. You told me things that made me feel worthless and screwed up. You told me I couldn't do anything right. You looked at me like you hated me. You bashed my family and myself. I can't even verbalize the pain you caused me. You hurt me emotionally and scared me. I was a little girl grandpa. I was from the ages of infancy until 16 or so... but the abuse didn't sink in until I was old enough to feel the terror of your hate and rage and evilness (so about 4 or so until the age if 13 or so which is when I started staying home alone) although I still came over until grandma finally died when I was 16. Your emotional and verbal abuse really did wonders on top of the other stuff that was happening in my life. Thanks for that...
I do need to admit though that I was really mean to you sometimes. I would pick on you and instigate things to spite you because I was so angry and hurt by you. I did do things that hurt you and I am sorry about that. I always thought I hated you but when you died I cried so much which unnerved me. I did love you. You weren't ALWAYS bad. I can think of a few select times when you were endearing and I do thank you for those even though they can all be counted on one or maybe both hands... not too many good times in the span of 16 years but it was better than nothing.
Other family members (dad's sisters)- Thanks for enabling the cycle of dysfunction to continue and for brainwashing me (even further in conjunction with what dad was telling me and what grandma was telling me) to believe it was my duty and responsibility to take care of and protect my dad from my terrible mom... Basically making me feel like I had to take everything because it was my duty to make my dad happy and make him feel loved and cared for... But, like my dad, you were all brainwashed into thinking it was normal... So, I can't really blame you all either. Well, the cycle ends with me!!! (to this day they still do this...)
Grandma- I love you so much, you have always known this and I hope you rest in peace, but I was already hearing all of the horrible things about my mom from all angles and yet you too told me how much you disapproved and disliked her and how she was horrible for hurting my dad and all of this stuff... I don't think anybody knew how hard it was for me (early on when I was really young) and how confusing it was to hear all of this stuff about my mother. I LOVED my mommy so much!!! I began to hate her though. A bitterness so strong and deep that then festered in hate... You had no right. I will always have this deep resentment towards her... I admit, it is better between mom and I now since I can look back with adult eyes and see what was really happening but I still have this partiality towards my dad. I have an obligation towards him. I think I always will maybe. The chance at a healthy, undefiled, and unbiased relationship with her is screwed up. She tells me to just forgive and forget and move on. She blames me for hating her and I know it causes her pain and it KILLS me inside knowing I am the cause of it. I still can't tell her why (although she knows briefly about what dad did and that he poisoned me against her...) she knows not the full extent to which this all happened. I can't tell her. She will always blame me and that will have to be how it is.
Mom- I know in my heart so much of what I was told was probably true just because I saw with my own eyes how you are. How you were. How terribly you treated my daddy. I loved him with such an unhealthy intensity mom and just writing this all is killing me all over again in ways you will NEVER be able to understand. You are a secretive person about your past and I know your childhood plays into why you have done the things you have and why you act the way you do. I do apologize for dad drawing conclusions as to why you do the things you do and making them seem like they are all to hurt him directly. He DOESN'T know for a fact why you do the things you do and I don't either. But, I admit, the reasons he told me DO make sense. They fit...
I am sad how you would always seem to talk about dad and bash him around everyone. You did it while I was present. You KNEW how much I loved dad and was attached to him and you watched my reaction sometimes when you talked about him. It is like you did it to spite me and like you wanted to hurt me by doing this. You STILL do it to this day! I don't blame you though I am bad...
I don't think it is right to EVER talk about marital problems in front of a child. I don't condone it but in your case I think you were maybe punishing me for how I treated you because you could tell I favored dad and that I loved him so much (in an almost unhealthy way.....) and despised you. (Maybe I am just being paranoid... See? Mixed up...) I didn't want to despise you mom... I didn't mean too... I'm sorry mommy. I wish I could do it all over...
I am sorry for everything and for the pain I have caused you. I am SO MIXED UP I dont know which is up or down anymore. I cant trust myself. I hate me. I do love you though and am very sorry it had to be like this.
Here are the big f*ck you's :
C- F*ck you for manipulating my mind and brainwashing me into believing I deserved and actually wanted and potentiated the physical, emotional, verbal, mental, and spiritual abuse you put me through. Oh yeah, and for an*lly r*ping me in such a brutal and painful way. For all the COUNTLESS times you r*ped me when I didn't even understand and see it for what it was: r*pe. I don't know how many times I have been r*ped in my life. TOO many times. You were so damned cunning and suave. You could make anything believable even if proof was sitting right in front of everyone. I still don't get how I was under your spell. I just know you hurt me so badly. I was in love with you. You used that against me and told me that everybody did this to their girlfriends and wives. It was normal. You were aware I had never had a boyfriend before and used it. You took away my life and freedom. You almost killed me. F*ck you!!!! I finally got out from under your grasp. Almost 2 years. 2 years too long.
G- For betraying my (then) boyfriend (your best friend) by r*ping me. I trusted you. We were friends. How could you. You hurt me when I was at my most vulnerable. It makes me physically ill thinking about what you did that night. I thought it would never end. You contributed to the fail of my relationship with him. I was so in love with him. But I suppose it all happens for a reason. Still, you hurt my pride and my emotins. My trust was stripped once again. How? WHY??? I am so mad at you.
Anybody else who has ever screwed me over in life. I probably even deserve a f*ck you too for I am no saint and I admit that. I have done MANY wrongs in this life. I am guilty for hurting my mom and dad and family and many other people.
I am guilty and confused about how I LOVED my dad and believed him only because I was young and innocent. I believed point blank. I let him and my grandma and his sisters poison me and it caused me to HATE my mom.
I am guilty and confused about how I once LOVED my dad and saw no fault at all with him and BLAMED my mom for everything because of the stuff I believed.
Now, I am starting to turn around and see my mom and love her but I still feel anger and resentment and a twinge of "hate" but not REAL hate. I am confused about how I NEVER saw a thing wrong about my dad and yet now I am so angry with him and am feeling anger and resentment and "hate" towards him. A COMPLETE 180!!!! What the heck?!?!?!
I confuse myself even further by defending dad on a heartbeat when my mom says anything about him beacuse I have this obligation to him. It is second nature. It is almost like I feel programmed to do this and I can't control how I feel.
I also now feel this way towards mom when someone says something about her... Then I in turn feel guilty and "wrong and bad" for feeling bad for her beacuse I am supposed to protect dad and feel bad for him... F*CK this is dumb and complex and confusing...
Who would have known that this all could screw me up in the head so bad? WHO would have known that telling a child from early years on that she is supposed to protect her daddy-her PURPOSE- would really sink in and totally mess with how my brain works and relates to people. Who would have thought that the constant mental and emotional and even sexually emotional abuse (from dad) and the playful physical abuse that you believed was just playful and the few excessive punishments would totally f*ck me up so much...??
Then the mental, verbal, emotional, spiritual, and sexual humiliation along with countless r*pes by ex and the ONE by G, just toally put the cherry on top of it all. I know that a lot of what happened to me wasn't sexual. It was mentally sexual abuse in some ways but a lot of it was emotional and mental and physical. Which makes me think it doesn't even belong here on this site? Whoops....
Thanks for the support regardless. I literally am so mixed up over how to feel and act and just relate and how to integrate all of this. It starts to drive me mad. I have started to possibly dissociate when I get triggered or when I think about this all for too long or when I have a severe panic/anxiety attack. I am not sure if it is "true" dissociation or not... I get very spacey and am not really all the way "present" and I feel fuzzy and like I am in a dream. I can't really explain it. It is weird. Sometimes I feel disconnected from reality momentarily and I just "go through the motions" of the day while I am in this "state". Can anyone help clarify this? Thanks so much. It gets confusing...
Sorry if this was HARD to follow and I don't blame you if you didn't even finish it as I just kept on rambling... My mind is ALL mixed up.... Sorry...
Thanks for reading. Have a blessed day! ♥♥♥
Much love, Chantel ♥
