Relationship A Simple Question

[DiveDeep]

or is it.......?

Would a ptsd sufferer knowingly choose or perhaps subconciously choose a codependent partner?

It may seem like an odd question to ask, but this forum would seem to be the best place.

I've read somewhere that a ptsd person would want and thrive on the codependent's caring nature, even if the relationship was doomed from the start.

I'm thinking about someone who's had two failed marriages, inumerable short and long-term relationships and has just started out on another relationship. Is this always going to be the case with a ptsd sufferer - always moving on from relationships, looking for the person that they'll never find?

thanks and best wishes

 

[Kintsugi]

Hm. Nothing, I don't think, is simple about someone with PTSD and relationships?

In my own experience... Yes I've sought that codependency. Even with looming doom. And yes I have sought from person to person, though usually not in "real" formal relationships.

I left someone I loved very much who was highly, dangerously codependent for someone who is not at all because it is way healthier for me, even if it feels so much less secure, because in a sense it is.

There's a song with a good quote for this behavior, I think: "And will you persist/Even after I kiss you/Goodbye for the last time/Will you keep on trying/To prove that I'm dying?"

 

[DiveDeep]

Thanks MAS,

Can you please explain in what way was he 'dangerously' codependent?

I thought that codependents would do all they could for someone else, and neglect their own needs

 

[Snowangel1225]

I think in a lot of cases (not all), people with PTSD turn to alcohol to self medicate. Alcoholics and co-dependents go hand in hand with each being drawn to each other. The alcoholic needs someone to take care of them and the co-dependent needs someone to care for. It's a recipe for disaster with each person using each other to satisfy their illness.

 

[Kintsugi]

Well, in the case of this wonderful, loving, endlessly supportive young man, that was very true. He would have done anything to please me. He did. And he was so great, so compassionate, so understanding.

But I did not need that power. Or that attention. Or that validation for unacceptable behavior.

For many people with PTSD, a certain firmness and consistency of boundaries, limits, etc., can be important, even essential, to their ability to learn healthy coping and functioning. His willingness, well-intentioned and amazing though it was, to bend to my craziness, the adapt to unreasonable expectations and demands, to put up with really atrocious behavior from me, was never going to actually help me. He saved my life. He did. He was perfect for a time. But at some point I had to deal. To function. To behave in an acceptable manner for society. He did not push me. He did not set limits--at least, not real ones. He *rarely* classified something as unreasonable, even if it totally was. I was awful. I did not deserve that patience. And truly I needed someone to give me healthy boundaries. I needed a happy medium between abisive controlling boyfriend and companion who would bend over backwards for me.

Things aren't perfect now. Nothing is perfect. Relationships are not perfect. In my dark moments, I think I may have made a grave mistake in my choice of partner. But when I come back to a functioning level, I realize that in those moments, I am simply regretting not having someone to lavish me with unnecessarily babying attention and patience for my ridiculousness. I need the tough love sometimes. It is not acceptable in my current relationship to wallow in suicidal ideation with no intention of stopping. It is not acceptable to self-harm. It is not acceptable to make wild demands. And those things really aren't acceptable. And I have a very marked decrease in this behavior as a result, partially if not largely, of being in a relationship that does not encourage such things with endless attention and forever forgiving understanding. It can be really, really nice having that, but in the long run it was keeping me stuck in my harmful ways.

I hope that very long-winded explanation helps.

 

[Kintsugi]

One more thing. His habit of dropping social activities he had begun to take part in every time I was in his life was highly dangerous. His subsistence on me as his only social outlet was disturbing in a time when I was just getting out of my habits of isolation. We could survive on one another's company, but it wasn't healthy for either of us. It seriously worried me. I did not want to be the cause of his isolation, and I did not want to go back to isolating myself (we had a many-years long relationship with about a year's separation).

 

[DiveDeep]

MAS, thank you for sharing that information with me. You are very kind :)

 

[Kintsugi]

Would I be unkind to ask the context for your interest in this question? You are so very welcome. Any time you need a long essay response, I'm your girl!

 

[Hashi]

Would a ptsd sufferer knowingly choose or perhaps subconciously choose a codependent partner?

I'm not sure it is a simple question. To illustrate, I'm wondering about asking a related question:

Would a codependent person knowingly choose or perhaps subconciously choose a PTSD sufferer as a partner?

Firstly, I'm going to say that I don't mean this to be attacking. I just think that the original question invites this one.

Secondly, I should say that I'm a PTSD sufferer.

Thirdly, I'm wondering what's behind your question. Doesn't every dependent - consciously or unconsciously - seek a codependent? Doesn't every codependent - consciously or unconsciously - seek a dependent? Again I don't mean to be too harsh, but... is this unusual?

I wonder if you'd be willing to say a little more about your situation, and how you feel about it?

 

[Barberian]

Each person is different, and does things according to their needs whether or not they are aware of them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

A codependent person is more likely to stay. A healthy independent person is more likely to say I'm outta here at the first inkling of anxiety. "Not what I signed up for!"

 

[mamachick]

Absolutely. I think that we are not healthy, we will also attract unhealthy people. Alcoholics often attract co-dependents. There are patterns in attractions and those who stick around for more. Sociopaths hone in on those who will make good victims. ( I have been in a relationship with at least 2). Wise to be careful.

Also, there are all levels of co-dependency. I think of it on a continuim of a scale from zero to 100. Zero having no or low co dependency issues. (I know very few). 100 being extremely co dependent and enabling. There is everything between. Opposites may attract, but likes endure-I think there is a lot of truth in this. A mentally healthy person who is independent would not find it appealing to connect with a needy or mentally unhealthy person.

When I was first having ptsd symptoms, I dated a guy that told me all kinds of things about his past that were a bunch of lies. I was abusing alcohol. He was trying to control my use and isolate me from friends, He was very nurturing and loving, but there was this other side to him, pathological liar. We went to a couples counselor, she asked him why he made up these lies about his past, about his past career, marriage etc. He said because he felt insecure because of my education and profession. She said "I understand why you would feel insecure, but that does not explain your lying-why do you make up stories?" he couldnt answer. Then she looked at me and said "why do you want to be with a man that makes up stories?"

My point is, a mentally healthy person will seek another mentally healthy person. It does not mean that those of us with ptsd are doomed to be with other sick people, my opinion is that until we do some healing and manage symptoms and become functional, it is unlikely that we will attract a healthy partner. That means taking responsibility for ourselves the best we can because if you do get a co-dependent partner, it is easy to become more dependent and cause further problems. When they are gone, we are alone again and have to take responsibility. Others dont make us feel anything. We have to learn to love and appreciate ourselves and increase our self esteem if we want that in a partner. Im not there so I dont mean this to be harsh. I am a work in progress.