A Small Breakthrough

[HeraBane]

So if you have read my previous posts, you know that my biggest issue is that I do not know when I have dissociated, when it happened, or that there has been time lost unless there has been a person or persons present during an episode, and if they happen to even realize I've had an episode.

Well today I was talking to my husband about things that we did yesterday, and all of a sudden my husband looks confused and says in annoyance that no, it wasnt yesterday, but friday that we did these things, and asks if I am okay because this has been happening all week. Well as soon as he asked if I was okay, I got a really weird sensation all over my body that I cannot describe, and the hairs on the back of my neck raise up, it kinda freaked me out actually. I realized that I have been losing time on and off all week, I have been in and out of an episode/episodes all week, to which I share with my husband, who states is weird because I have appeared to have acted my normal self all week. Turns out I have been episoding every second day all week, except that this weekend I lost saturday and sunday.

My small break through is that for the first time ever, and I mean ever, has my body given me a signal, a feeling that I had lost time. That has never happend, there's never up until this point been any feeling of lost time. Now, I still have not been able to recall what has happened during the lost time during this past week, or been able to pinpoint exactly when I came in and out of an episode, other than having been episoding every other day, other than this weekend, where I lost two days, but it is a small step for me in gaining awareness of my dissociation. I honeslty feel a bit of relief and hope that I can learn to become more aware.

 

[journey31]

Maybe if you write this down you can find out based on timing if something is triggering it without you realizing

 

[HeraBane]

if something is triggering it without you realizing

So write this event down( I assuming also noting the fact i lost every other day and the two days in a row), and are you meaning my husband asking if I am okay being the trigger as a signal that I lost time? Otherwise, I haven't been able to find a trigger or signal for an episode about to happen itself, as normally I don't recall one ever happening or normally when it did. This is the closest I've come to pinpointing episode/episodes

 

[joeylittle]

Otherwise, I haven't been able to find a.trigger or signal for an episode about to happen itself, as normally I don't recall ine ever happening

If you start to keep track of the last thing you remember before you lose time, once you've come back out of the dissociation, eventually you might see a pattern - what kinds of situations or thoughts trigger your dissociation. And the more you can engage your husband in this as well, the better.

 

[HeraBane]

last thing you remember before you lose time,

Oh ok, I understand now, thank you lol. My brain was just not quite getting it lol

 

[HeraBane]

last thing you remember

The last thing I can remember at all is actually sat morning(guess i didnt completely lose the whole day) when I went to work with my husband very early in the morn amd thats all i can recall. Cant recall before or after. I do remember all of today as far as i know from what i have been writing down of what i remember doing

 

[HeraBane]

last thing

UPDATE: Thank you for suggesting trying to track last thing I remember because I just remembered something important. Because my husband had to work so early sat morning, I hadn't slept at all Friday night, which may have triggered the loss of saturday (other than remembering going to work with hubby) and sunday. Still can't remember rest of week before Friday night or sunday.

 

[journey31]

So write this event down( I assuming also noting the fact i lost every other day and the two days in a...

No. Write down what you remember. Even go back a few days. And compare when you have a few episodes to see if there's a common point.

 

[HeraBane]

No. Write down what you remember. Even go back a few days. And compare when you have a few episodes to...

I Remember having not slept friday night(which may have been my trigger), and remember going to work early sat morn with hubby, and i think i remember all of today as far as i know, but cant recall before going to work with hubby(mon tues wed thurs friday except knowing i didnt sleep and rest of sat and all of sun) i wrote it all down

 

[joeylittle]

remember going to work early sat morn with hubby,

Do you remember what you talked about? Or what happened along the way? Definitely, being tired can have a big effect.

 

[HeraBane]

Do you remember what you talked about?

Only thing i remember talking about is a friend of ours who is going through a tough situation, otherwise i dont remember anything we talked about.

 

[Laura Beth Myers]

Well, I lost a day after meeting with someone and have felt strange sensations in private areas and have been discussing with my therapists the possibility of child abuse. But at the same time my goal is to go on with my life. And the memories of my husband lashing on me and hitting me to the point of sustaining damage are so strong that my ability to want to remain in the present and trust anyone are nil.

And I am so angry that I fear that I will become my husband, as I left him fighting back. And I don't want to become the sexual abuser either, so my memories are all screwed up as my husband did quite a job there too. Not to mention that my mother was sexually abused. While I was lucky and there were enough past events (he was sent to battering classes, social work evidence, county evidence) that I had all charges dismissed. I can't trust.

I trust the system not at all. And my husband played with my head. He liked to play with words. He bought a paintball gun set or something or other and has a real gun buried in the back yard. I'm so confused and so upset and now I have to put it all together for my therapist in about three hours and something to get it printed out. She's charging the exorbitant amount of over two hundred for less than an hour. I don't know maybe that's cheaper than your neck of the woods.

Anyone else's head spinning? I mean really memories and feelings when and where you don't want them? Losing time?