A space to look back

[bellbird]

...and see how far we've come.

Sometimes it isn't until we purposefully stop and look back, that we see how much progress we have made in different aspects of our lives.

Today I'm having one of those moments:
Three years ago, I was an undergrad and had a conversation with a university lecturer of mine. He told me that there was a top Nature-published researcher in our institute who worked in a particular area that I was just getting interested in. My lecturer said that if I decided that was the direction in which I wanted to head, he would write a reference for me, and maybe I could get to work with that researcher.

Today, that top researcher is my Masters supervisor, and is a co-author on the scientific paper that I'm first-authoring.
When our peer-reviewer comments came back, I worked on the majority, but asked my supervisor to do one as it was much more time efficient for him to, given his expertise in the area that the comment related to.
He then wrote me back, asking if what he'd written was "sufficient"? And I altered just a couple of words of what he'd written.

I also, just this morning, expressed to him my interest in doing a PhD with him.

Life is crazy.
And sometimes we can become overwhelmed with how far we have to go, that we forget about the steps we have taken.
So let's stop back and reflect every once in a while, and then continue on with our strides or baby steps.

ETA: Three years ago, I was also in the midst of my abusive relationship.
Today, I am free :)

 

[TruthSeeker]

Free-me, too....and lovin freedom!
I look back a couple of years ago, and I was the responsible one, taking care of everyone and fixing things I shouldn't be fixing,
along with isolated from prior family, called mean and crazy for being different, and actively abused......

Now it's just me to fix....and now, 2 years later my feet are much more solidly planted on the ground, and I see things much simpler....everything doesn't have to be made complex....I don't live with a bunch of manipulative people....that's huge.
I come home....to my home....and there is no complaining, criticizing.....no noise.....nothing makes me have to remove my hearing aids..
I have weeded out all the predictable drama that I can in life.....and it's more peaceful than I've ever had before...in my life....
I'm retired......and settling in with the freedom that comes from not having a boss .....and now I make my schedule.....
Making my house my own.....decorating it my way.....not a way to have it look like my mother's decorating style-I'm creating my own designs and personal likes/dislikes.
I have travel plans to a number of places, including planning one on my bucket list on a different continent.
Getting out with nature more.....doing more photography....
Getting my pier fixed to use it...so I can fish this fall
Starting that healthy life with exercise and better diet......
Making a few new friends....slowly.
Going out with one trusted friend in particular and doing things I never thought I'd do without a spouse.....and they are fun things...
Life is soooo much better!
Thank you for starting this thread!

 

[Changing4Best]

I had a 2 and half year stint when I was homeless. I have written about that elsewhere on this forum, so won't mention it here.

I never really had been able to hold down a job for more than four months. Now, in my 60s, with proper psychiatric treatment and therapy, I have been able to hold down a job for 3-4 years.

I am pleased with where I seem to be heading nowadays. My self confidence has grown a lot. I'm closer to God too, just as a bonus.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I never really had been able to hold down a job for more than four months. Now, in my 60s, with proper psychiatric treatment and therapy, I have been able to hold down a job for 3-4 years.

CLAP CLAP CLAP!!!!! Awesome. You are not far behind me!

 

[Ronin]

Dragons. Back are dragons, forward we go.

But in case I wanted to look back, dragons are badass.

 

[shatter eyes]

Nearly 4 years ago. I woke up with blood in my mouth breaking nightguards and chipping teeth. Bloody eyes and bruises from unknown causes. I have hit humans, cars, walls and glass with bare fists. Imagined walking into traffic so drivers pay attention when driving. I had no sense of self. Filled with guilt and shame i carried in silence. Frustrated at how life changed so quick. Dissapointed in myself i lost myself. Independance robbed. Unexplained seizures. Blackouts. Memory lapses. 2 to 4 hours of decent function per day I felt like a waste and burden to society. Had close call taking my hand off with clever because neurologically my hand did not listen after the car accident. Bladder also did not listen. I tell it to pee, it refuses. I zip up and give up, it decides time to pee. First it is gross but I got used to it. Left eye darts around when i want to look left. Lost of identity. Work said I cannot return until I have recovered 100% and that I was a liability. Eventually lost fiance. Tried my best to hold happy i am fine mask. Approached 2018 eve a quiet night. Peaceful night. Made the decision to end it that night. I take my control back. I control my life, and death by choosing. It did not fire. Spent about 1.5 months living in altered state like a force field protected me. It wore off eventually after i disclosed attempt to T. I think the TBI and PTSd wanted me dead. I was too weak but I found ways to utilize the strength and stories of this community to keep going. Oct 2018, 2nd attempt in highly depersonalized state of aggression after cortisone injections same day. Realized the thoughts and thought that ending life would end the thoughts. My organs can be donated for good. Die and donate repated in my head, I had to make it stop. That night I found my way to a psych ward first time in my life. Started a writing group in unit. I made genuine friends that I can be honest with. After my discharge i saw a poster for art submissions for an exhibit. I decided that showing my photography publicly could not be scarier than taking my life, and failing by divine intervention.
I prepared and on the opening night I was showered by positive feedback. I listened to how my photography spoke and touch. One was a professional veteran photographer. I began to realize i can use the camera to change my view of my world when my eyes sees memories of pain. Through the lense my perspective changes. The camera allowed me to capture, archive, move on and seek.
2019 came and the first anniversary I was blessed by the support of this forum not to fear or ponder why I lived or why I was rejected by death but instead to celebrate life.
Rebuild, recover, and reach out knowing that i am on a rollercoaster of PTSd and not alone. Looking back I have learned to shift my weight to stay grounded, that it is ok to scream, cry, or even piss myself (neurogenic bladder) from the ride that is now part of my life.

The rollercoaster is less life frightening with friends like you all here. Today, my outlook is to live as I hold on to ride out the ride of my life.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Nearly 4 years ago. I woke up with blood in my mouth breaking nightguards and chipping teeth. Bloody eyes and bruises from unknown causes. I have hit humans, cars, walls and glass with bare fists. Imagined walking into traffic so drivers pay attention when driving. I had no sense of self. Filled with guilt and shame i carried in silence. Frustrated at how life changed so quick. Dissapointed in myself i lost myself. Independance robbed. Unexplained seizures. Blackouts. Memory lapses. 2 to 4 hours of decent function per day I felt like a waste and burden to society. Had close call taking my hand off with clever because neurologically my hand did not listen after the car accident. Bladder also did not listen. I tell it to pee, it refuses. I zip up and give up, it decides time to pee. First it is gross but I got used to it. Left eye darts around when i want to look left. Lost of identity. Work said I cannot return until I have recovered 100% and that I was a liability. Eventually lost fiance. Tried my best to hold happy i am fine mask. Approached 2018 eve a quiet night. Peaceful night. Made the decision to end it that night. I take my control back. I control my life, and death by choosing. It did not fire. Spent about 1.5 months living in altered state like a force field protected me. It wore off eventually after i disclosed attempt to T. I think the TBI and PTSd wanted me dead. I was too weak but I found ways to utilize the strength and stories of this community to keep going. Oct 2018, 2nd attempt in highly depersonalized state of aggression after cortisone injections same day. Realized the thoughts and thought that ending life would end the thoughts. My organs can be donated for good. Die and donate repated in my head, I had to make it stop. That night I found my way to a psych ward first time in my life. Started a writing group in unit. I made genuine friends that I can be honest with. After my discharge i saw a poster for art submissions for an exhibit. I decided that showing my photography publicly could not be scarier than taking my life, and failing by divine intervention.
I prepared and on the opening night I was showered by positive feedback. I listened to how my photography spoke and touch. One was a professional veteran photographer. I began to realize i can use the camera to change my view of my world when my eyes sees memories of pain. Through the lense my perspective changes. The camera allowed me to capture, archive, move on and seek.
2019 came and the first anniversary I was blessed by the support of this forum not to fear or ponder why I lived or why I was rejected by death but instead to celebrate life.
Rebuild, recover, and reach out knowing that i am on a rollercoaster of PTSd and not alone. Looking back I have learned to shift my weight to stay grounded, that it is ok to scream, cry, or even piss myself (neurogenic bladder) from the ride that is now part of my life.

The rollercoaster is less life frightening with friends like you all here. Today, my outlook is to live as I hold on to ride out the ride of my life.

So glad you are here. Courage....perseverance....and creativity. What a testament to finding your way.....when in such a hard place.

 

[Teasel]

I think you're an amazing human being @shatter eyes and I'm so glad things are a bit better for you now :hug:

 

[bellbird]

On this day in 2018, I first started working with my supervisor at my university.

On this day in 2019, I was part way through a gruelling 10 days at university following an incident that occurred that I was involved in.

Today, I'm going to therapy. My university work is all on track.
And then I'm heading to the beach.