A Suprise Trigger...why?

[lostforgottensoul]

So I was walking into the door of my therapist's office (where Im waiting now); they have the entire 2nd floor and 2 other medical Drs on the 1st floor.

As Im walking in a lady stopped me as she's pulling up in her car and as Im walking into the door; "excuse me, excuse me" and I thought she wanted directions or something.

I turned around but didnt apprach her car an further than I needed to to hear her. She said "I've seen you in there, what Doctor do you see?" My therapist, an LMHC, is in a group with 2 psychristrists (one obviously mine) and somewhere around 10 or more therapists. I told her my psychrisit's name and she said "Are they good?" I nod. She said "[an LMHC's name] isnt very good; we dont get very far". I then realized she was talking about therapist's so I advised her of my therapist's name, said he was great, all while thinking in my head "This is none of your business lady and I dont like this".

She then asked if my apointment was at 2 and i said yes trying to walk toward the door more to indicate I needed to go and she said her's was to and I walked in; ending the conversation very fast.

While checking in I all of a sudden feel like Im going to puke all over myself and im trembling. I have anti nausia med so took one but that was an unexpected trigger, if it was a trigger.

I know my anxiety is already high, as I dont take my xanax on my days off and havent started the seriquiol ER yet, and I know women terrify me but Im pretty ok while around the public, so why in the world would that trigger me? She was just trying to find a better therapist.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Seems like a sudden, unexpected situation, that would cause me panic too, simply because it's been unexpected?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

My therapist and I spoke about this a bit, but more about why women terrify me so much. I'll update in a bit, I have to go to walmart but i'll update on my session when i get home.

Most terriying, he remind me that we need to do EMDR like soon. I wanna cry now, just more from what happened last time and being this close to the core of it all, this exposed, this raw...

 

[Friday]

"This is none of your business lady and I dont like this".

Exactly.

How are you at not answering questions you don't want to (or that are no one else's business), when not surprised?

 

[mrsmegan]

I'm sorry - it is always hard when things catch you off guard....

 

[Powder]

To me this would be triggering a bit because I don't feel comfortable when it seems people are reading me as kind and trying to slip across a boundary after initially getting me to answer a question. It's like being penalized for being nice, which I think almost anyone can relate to.

This is not a special kind of problem. We've all had this happen, still do.

I typically will use an annoyed body language and look away to show I'm done with that person and they'll get no further.

Turning your back on someone will usually do the trick. If they keep talking, I just ignore, rarely need to.

Remember: they cannot hurt you. You're an adult know, and people manipulating you is in the past. Most of us have been hurt and manipulated (and brainwashed about it in some cases.)

This has 0% affect on the future, moving forward, nobody gets a pass to manipulate you without consequences.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@FridayJones are you asking like how do I do when someone asks me something but I dont want to answer them?

Depends on the situation. Im a people pleaser, horrible at boundries (something Im just learning), and never give myself room for human error and making someone upset makes me upset...so if some asks me something that I dont want to answer, I'll either answer it (like I did here) or I'll try to detour the conversation somewhere else...but if preasured I will either answer it (usual) or it will send me into a blind explosion...depending on what it is, whom is asking, circumstamces etc.

I have been telling my therapist for months now that I miss my old boring life. Something big was happening every week and this week (though some depression due to my upcoming birthday on Sat and just the time of the year it is) this week was pretty much just my old boring life and I was all prepared to tell him that. Until this.

So this is what I got out of the session. The fact that someone stopped and asked a question is just minor. The fact that it was about my therapist, its a bit personal.

Ok, add to to my terror of women and the raw emotions and stuff thats coming up for me now based on where I am mentally and you have a trigger.

So he asked me (which he's always known) why women terrify me so much. And the only thing I could think of was my mom. He wanted me to go further. :cautious: I dont wanna go further...

Ok further, I would say that what my mom forced me to do with her sexually and her favorite pubishment (boiling hot water, bleach, or some other burning chemical put in me) is like on the top 5 of the worst sexual stuff and punishment.

Add what time of the year it is; from early march to mid April all rituals, all pubishments, all "work" tripled...because I had the audacity to be born...and to be a girl! Damn me! Must punish her for daring to breathe!

What I find odd is in my later teens to early adulthood (18 to maybe 20) i tried to "be gay" which isnt possible but I tried...but now i want to climb the wall if im alone in a room with a female. That switch I dont get. My therapist said its normal; part experimenting and part due to the sexual abuse. Not sure experimenting plays any part in it; as my "job" there were women and I always hated it the most.

Anyway, he asked about my mom now. Obviously this info is 3rd hand (from my brother and/or his wife to my dad and/or step mom to me) but he asked where is she living (that I know, she's back in my hometown) but he also asked how is she living. Since my step dad died, where is the money coming from? They had their own business so i doubt its retirement, possible SS but someone mentioned to me here a while back that "my" child porn...me from 9 to 17, may still be out on the deep web for sale...or for sale anywhere. Did they actually burn everything in the bon fire? All copies of evidence? I thought so at the time but possibly not. The thought of my 9 yr old self still being sold makes me want to puke but its possible. Obviously i dont know that.

We talked about her still believing in the cult beliefs (recently that she can walk on water) and he said "well she hasnt yet".

My mom; its so complicated and I cant seem to uncomplicate it. I hate her, have so much rage toward her (and still at myself) but id take a bullet for her.

I also have a much larger than normal personal space bubble. I also freak of anyone, female or male, stop in a car to ask me anything. Not sure why other than the general fear of people. A guy was trying to helpe get a shopping cart in walmart as they were all stuck together and i had my hand on mu tazor.

I think its just where i am; close to the core and center of it all, all emotions are intense and very strong...feels so intense that Im terrified to go near them, I feel I cant handle them, the time of the year and what this time of the year reminds me of, already having massive anxiety, fear of people and terror of women, and asking a personal question put together caused a trigger.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Turning your back on someone will usually do the trick. If they keep talking, I just ignore, rarely need to.

Thats basically what i did; I turned my back and just walked in thinking to myself "yes my appointment is at 2...which is like 10 mins from now...dumb ass!" But that was just inner thinking lol.

Remember: they cannot hurt you. You're an adult know, and people manipulating you is in the past.

Trying. Thats hard as part of my brain (rational side) gets that but a big part of my brain is still there. Trying hard to remember that. My mom and i havent spoken since i was 19, she's not in my life right now...why am I still giving her power?

brainwashed about it in some cases.

My case...grew up in a cult and it still rules me. Its incredablly hard to not allow it to rule my thinking anymore.

Its like if you are taught red is blue then you'd see red as blue and trying to see red as red and blue as blue takes long time...

I hope one day to not have this huge fear of people and even bigger terror of women. Just keep moving foward, right?

 

[Powder]

You're closer than you think. I'd say this was a big step into the right direction on your part and the feelings that hit you were because of it.

In my personal ride on this roller coaster, sometimes their are literally "growing pains" if you get me. Not all growth feels that great at the time.

But, I for one, am thrilled that you turned your back and rode out the trigger delayed reaction, AND identified the basis for it, all this soon. Well done!

It will be better next time someone tries to play into your compassion, and you'll not allow it to zap you quite this hard. You see it now. That's more than half of the work.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thanks @Muse i guess it was easier to identify due to being that I was going to see my therapist anyway.

I always knew I was terrified of women due to my mom but i never wanted to go deeper than that statement. My therapist knows when and how to push me though I dont like it lol.

I suppose it will be easier next time. Im just learning boundries and (my therapist says anyway) that its easier to catch yourself and catch yourself quicker when you know what's causing it. Like its easier to let it pass you by when you know why. I love rhyming! :p

 

[Powder]

Yes, I agree that it gets quicker and simpler once things are clearer. I'm still working on some things that are not clear, which gets frustrating real quick. :)