A Symptom Free Day?

[desiderata310]

ok.. bare with me, I am trying to sort all of this out...
The last month has been a bit of a thing.
Right before Thanksgiving I went on a work trip and got very triggered and stirred up. When I came back there was a sequence of events, stressers, that I just couldn't seem to come down from. INstead of being able to dial back, I got worse, and my sleeping got very bad.

I started having bad flashbacks in therapy. One day I went in and told my thearpist how little I had been sleeping and he kind of freaked out. He set up an appointment with my Dr to get medication for sleeping. There was a whole mess surrounding how much I percieved my therapist had told the doctor which freaked me out. Once that was finally ... somewhat resolved we ran into another issue.

My therapist brings his dog into therapy to help me relax. This one particular day, the dog wouldn't calm down and was acting out and barking which was causing me to stress (my therapist's observation) the way my therapist tells it, he kind of panicked and put the dog on his back. I freaked out. This lead to a couple of very bad sessions, partially because I spoke to some folks who said I was with a terrible therapist.

I went in and had the single worst flashback I've ever had in therapy the next time because I was trying to explain the connection between what had happened in therapy with him putting his dog on his back and an event that happened when my ex hurt my dog and had hurt me. Ugh.. I am not writing this very well.

In the midst of all of this I am still working towards a service dog.

I have felt like I was going to lose my mind for the last... month. If it wasn't one thing, it was another. It's been constant triggers and stressors all puncutated with really ugly flashbacks.

In my session Tuesday, my therapist and I had a long talk. He voiced the concern that he was triggering me more because he is a male. My flashback (he made this connection and I didn't)was concerning a time when I stood up to my ex and was beaten for it and that my intention that session had been to quit therapy. He was concerned that he was making me worse. He noted that I walk in to every session triggered because I spent so much time in my life "in trouble" with men and being punished as a result. He wanted to make sure that I understood that I was not going to be in trouble with him.

Please don't suggest I go to a female. A. I am not switching therapists at this point. B. I had everything in my life minimized by the females in my life. I can't deal with trying to make a woman believe me.

We talked through a lot things, actually and he put some things together that I had not and basically explained for me why my brain had decided to go into a 45 minute flashback that left me reeling for a couple of days. He asked me to TRY to stop censoring what I said in therapy. I spend a lot of time trying put together sentences and a lot of time trying to find nice ways of saying things instead of just saying what I actually am thinking. I am actually terrified of saying what I really think and feel in therapy for fear of making him angry.

One thing he said to me as I was putting on my cycling shoes in the lobby:
" look, Desiderata, I know that you don't like to hear this sort of thing but I actually like working with you. "
I started to cry really hard. I know that I have spent an incredible amount of time really worried that my therapist hates me and this is someone who sees me twice a week.
I spent a good amount of the remainder of the day crying or on the verge of tears. NO idea why.

I slept medication free last night.

Today, I was completely symptom free. I haven't had a symptom free day in...I can't remember the last time I was completely symptom free. Granted, I didn't go to work, didn't really go any place public, I got up, piddled around, went out and did this great hike with my son came home and joked around, watched a movie and exchanged some text messages with some friends back home.

It was amazing to feel... normal. I had forgotten what that was like.

So, what's different? Is it JUST that I had a good day because it was low stress or was it because of what happened in therapy?

Does this mean I don't have PTSD anymore? Ok, that might be a stupid question....
Does this mean that I am really better?

I don't know. I know that I have my next session on Friday and I am not actively dreading it, yet. (usually I am in a little bit of a sick stress spot thinking about Friday morning.)

But you have to understand, I haven't been symptom free (no nightmares, no nothing) for a very long time.
*sigh*
I don't know.

 

[Nam]

Whoa, reign it in. One day? Deep breath. Enjoy it. It's amazing isn't it? Sometimes we don't realize how bad we were until we feel better. And then realize that is what normal people feel like. Well, no wonder they get so much done!

I'm not a therapist. But I think you had a breakthrough. You worked through at least a portion of the emotional part of your memories with men in particular. That might be huge for you. It allowed a break for your brain from the stress.

I don't want you to steel yourself for a turn. I want you to stay present. But it will change. It might actually not be "bad" in a sense, but different. I have a feeling that there is more work to be done. Symptoms tend to surface during times of hard work in therapy. The time frame is yet to be seen.

I really want to give you a great big hug. I want to tell you congratulations! Here's to more restful nights and symptom free days!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

No, you're not *all* better. You're riding the ptsd roller coaster. One symptom free day means you had a symptom free day, and is a sign that you're getting better. I'm not saying this to be mean. Rather, your symptoms WILL come back and by knowing they will come back it's a MILLION times easier to handle as if you believe you're cured right now, the return of symptoms may send you into a tailspin as you may feel like a failure, etc. I've seen it happen many times-----people have a good day or few and post on the forum that they're "cured" only to come back later in a fret as symptoms inevitably returned. Healing happens over time and while one good day doesn't mean you're healed, it does mean you're getting better. Look forward to good days more often.

 

[Friday]

It's like hiking. Whether you're going downhill, or uphill, there are short ascents and descents along both tracks. As well as a plateau or 300. A dip down when you're moving up doesn't mean that you're back to you're worst, a spike up doesn't mean you're asymptomatic for good. What you will notice, however, is a general trend. You've been going downhill for a long time. It sounds like over the past few months you've started the uphill portion. Which means more asymptomatic minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and eventually years. Ironically, when you're in an a symptomatic year? A single nightmare will throw you a helluva lot more that a dozen nightmares in a row do now. Because you'll be used to doing good. But that's where you're heading... To a few nightmares a year. If that. A handful of panic attacks. Not this daily and hourly crap you've been dealing with. <grin> And when they throw you, and you have one bad day out of the whole month or season... Look back on today... When you had your first good day in months. It does, it really does, reverse.

 

[Deleted member 28845]

Try living with this for half your life, stop complaining.

At least you can afford a therapist. What kind of doctor has his pet in the room?

It is a stupid question, because PTSD is permanent. There is no cure. Get used to the nightmares, the anxiety. Because it's going to be there forever, you can alleviate the symptoms, but they'll always be there. If they go away, you never had it in the first place,

 

[scout86]

Does this mean that I am really better?

I agree with nearly everyone else that that is a sign of progress.

Just a thought on gender "issues". To begin with, I'd have a hard time even considering a female T and there'd be some challenges for sure. In your case, it seems like the right male T (and I think yours fits that description) might be EXACTLY what you need to learn that some of the things you need to learn.

stop complaining.

Who put YOU in charge?

What kind of doctor has his pet in the room?

One who's flexible and kind of creative.

Try living with this for half your life

You haven't been a member here very long. Do you KNOW how long the OP has been dealing with PTSD or what they've been dealing with? I hope no one here responds to you in the tone you've used here. It's not very helpful.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@IbanezPanic82 Please rein in the attitude you are dragging all over the forum. It wont get you anywhere with the staff of this forum.

 

[desiderata310]

well. I certainly spoke too soon.
Love waking up to nightmares.
Still it was nice to have a day off from it.
@IbanezPanic82 Thanks for the dick post.
I certainly never thought of this as a contest of who's had this worse or longer but if you want to get into some f*cking pissing contest, Let's do it.
My PTSD started thanks to long term abuse as a kid: sexual and physical.
I've had nightmares all my life. They get worse under stress.
I got out of a bad relationship recently. I won't bother to tell you how bad. It doesn't f*cking matter. The sexual shit I went through didn't matter, the beatings. The shit that he did to f*ck with my head? The way that he used all his knowledge about what happened as a kid, those things? Those things f*cked me up. The fact that I can't walk into a grocery store without wondering if he's going to be around the next aisle, that I go through my apartment and turn on every f*cking light and check every f*cking room, open every closet when I first get home. The nightmares like I just woke up from that I wake up and swear he is still IN the room in the corner? The fact that I can't walk into a walk in closet? That shit pushed it over the edge.
How's being out on the sidewalk w my therapist and freaking out so bad that he's trying to get me back in the office to some place safe without touching me because I am in the middle of a flashback and I don't f*cking know he's there?
You want to know WHY my therapist had a DOG in the office? He found out I started my session scared out of my mind because he's male and I can calm down faster when his dog is in the office with me. It's f*cking THERAPY. It doesn't have to make sense.
You still want to do this?

MERRY f*ckING CHRISTMAS.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@desiderata310 - I just wanted to validate your anger and also congratulate you on making it through a difficult session. I have read many of your posts here, and I have to say that I am glad you have such a great therapist! In my opinion, you didn't speak too soon; you had a few hours free of symptoms, which is better than no hours free of symptoms, which will lead to days and so on.

I sort of just had that type of breakthrough. Not in an intense therapy session, but rather that my physical symptoms got so bad and forced me to slow down and realize I hit my bottom. This is how progress is made; we have sessions with intense flashbacks and feelings and then feel better because we didn't realize how bad we felt. So for that I say congratulations, and I hope you have a productive session on Friday. PM me if you need to vent! I'm thinking of you!

 

[desiderata310]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
@Ayesha I'm sorry for yelling at you in PM.

Ok... yeah.. I'm still a little... freaked out. This morning's nightmare was... it's got me shook up. Iban's post while trying to come down... kinda... yeah... sorry. I'm sorry.

It was good to feel kind of normal for a day. Just wanted it to stay like that. Brain had other ideas. Hey let's have a disturbing dream that will make you think that your ex is still in the house on Christmas morning. That's a great idea. Let's make sure that your therapist gets in on the action. FUUUUCK. At least it's just me and the 18 yr old today. Quiet morning. He opened his presents and is happily playing a video game and ignoring the somewhat freaked out and dissociated me. I'm trying to get the heart rate down 5 hours later.

I really was ok yesterday. I really was! I went to the grocery store with my son and picked up a few items and only found myself looking over my shoulder a couple of times but I wasn't really panicked like I usually am.

Today I think I will just hole up here and wait the day out. Maybe go for a ride later if I can calm down a bit. I don't think I could deal with a truck driving past me right now.
I know I'm babbling I know I am. I'm TRYING to ground.
UGH.
Maybe today would be a good day to just take meds and not move.

 

[Nam]

I've so been here. I was wishing for you...I was hoping it would last a bit longer. I'm glad you had it. There's more of that to come.

Please tell your therapist about the nightmare. It seems really confusing and terrible and royaly effed up, but your brain is processing. You now have a male that is positive in your life. I'm not so sure your mind knows what to do with that.

Merry Christmas. Hugs if you want them.

 

[joeylittle]

I really was ok yesterday. I really was! I went to the grocery store with my son and picked up a few items and only found myself looking over my shoulder a couple of times but I wasn't really panicked like I usually am.

This is a true thing, and you have no reason to doubt it.

I think it's awesome that you recognized this. And equally awesome that you are so aware of your level of triggered-ness today that you could think about the best way to help yourself. It doesn't all suddenly go away, as you learned - but getting to the point where you can have good days I think is a definite sign of real progress.