Well This Sucks :/
New Here
I am not positive if this will help and am very unsure of opening myself up. So far it hasn't turned out so well but I'm desperate to make the changes needed to work through this.
My childhood was filled with sexual, mental and physical abuse. The locals (very small town) hated our family so we were occasionally shot at. One of my youngest memories was my brother throwing me behind the couch and using his body to shield my sister and I. After the noise stopped I heard my mom call out a out names in a panicked shaky voice. It happened often but I was never scared of it. I found it to be an adventure. Now it terrifies me a thinking of it.
My dad was a child rapist and master manipulator. I didn't think I was harmed too much by the past until I was expecting my child and found out I was having a girl. Something clicked. Horrible nightmares, moodiness and my mind seemed to drain of life. I worked through the memories as they arrived. My husband (whom also went through a lot, don't hate him) started to be controlling and mean. Criticizing my every move. By the time my daughter was about 8 months old someone started to try to break into her room at night. There was plenty of proof but my husband and his brother flipped and started to call me crazy. They refused to let me lock the doors at night. After this went on for a couple years we finally moved. I was finally feeling safe in our new place when it started happening again. I spend every night petrified of him making it into the house if I fell asleep. My husband was often gone and still believed me to be crazy. He actually convinced me I was. The guy trying to get in actually walked past the window and I had a room full of children scream and I thought I wasn't in reality because of the late nights and taunting from the men in my life. It finally stopped! My daughter was 5 years old and things were quiet. I found out later that my dad had finally lost his mind and had been locked up around the same time. I'm still tortured with the thought of what could've happened if he made it to my little girl. I knew we were safe but my mind didn't. I was always on the lookout and jumped at the smallest noise. Anger and rage easily flooded my mind and I was terrified of being around people. I forced myself to leave my daughter at her school without me. I couldn't have her far from me ever. I did everything I could to hide all of this from her but knew I needed to do more. So I went to collage. Hardest thing in my life! Leaving her, being around people and humiliating myself often (my personality had changed drastically as well). But I managed to get my degree with a 4.0.
I left my husband and got a full time job with a company in the shipping department. All of my symptoms were still there but I had numbed myself to them I didn't realize how bad I treated people or how insanely tight my muscle always were, I just felt the pain. Nightmares just became a part of my night as well as the constant checking on my daughter. My husband and I share custody. He's made a massive change and has finally become the perfect dad and a great friend of mine. My biggest supporter (weird right!). So it was another massive fall apart leaving her without me... Even through the nights! Anyways, I was able to finally get myself under control but some thing happened and I felt myself flair up. Noticed the muscle tension and a few of my amplified feelings. Through the fog I decided to get help and found a counsellor who instantly diagnosed me with PTSD.
My managed through the year of work had been verbally abusive and of course I argued back through most of it until I realized the first time around that I should shut my mouth and observe. This in turn helped me understand my amplified emotions and start getting them under control. I learned a lot through that time about myself. When things were flaring up and I sought help I instantly brought it to my manager. We were able to work through most of what I was calling our personality clashes by then but I knew I couldn't take another outburst from him. The exhaustion and pain through the years had left me very suicidal and it took all of my strength to make it through every day. I would never hurt anyone even in my fight or flight mode. I'd more than likely cry than fight. Lol Unless of course they were really a danger to someone. My manager took it well and promised to try harder. Didn't last very long and I found myself talking to someone higher up. I decided to try talking with my manager once more. Ended up emailing HR asking for a meeting. They brought me up and let me go. I did everything I could not even just emotionally and mentally but physically as well. I loved my job and the people I worked with. I weight lifted and did cardio so I could increase my production.
Being diagnosed was amazing because I could finally start noticing symptoms and working through them. I was one of the top performers there. My work never suffered and when something came up to prevent me from being at work I always made up not only my time but the work itself. I lacked and still lack with my communication skills. Something I was beginning to improve on. I'm devastated and know how easy it would be to give up but my daughter keeps me going. It gets difficult a lot lately to not give up. I've put so much work in to my job and my healing I am exhausted! A good nights rest would be amazing but not being let go because I couldn't handle my boss yelling at me would be better. Days were easier when I was working hard and keeping my mind busy. I'm clinging on and hoping this community can help through this time and keep me motivated to push forward.
I'll feel foolish for this later and probably delete it.
My childhood was filled with sexual, mental and physical abuse. The locals (very small town) hated our family so we were occasionally shot at. One of my youngest memories was my brother throwing me behind the couch and using his body to shield my sister and I. After the noise stopped I heard my mom call out a out names in a panicked shaky voice. It happened often but I was never scared of it. I found it to be an adventure. Now it terrifies me a thinking of it.
My dad was a child rapist and master manipulator. I didn't think I was harmed too much by the past until I was expecting my child and found out I was having a girl. Something clicked. Horrible nightmares, moodiness and my mind seemed to drain of life. I worked through the memories as they arrived. My husband (whom also went through a lot, don't hate him) started to be controlling and mean. Criticizing my every move. By the time my daughter was about 8 months old someone started to try to break into her room at night. There was plenty of proof but my husband and his brother flipped and started to call me crazy. They refused to let me lock the doors at night. After this went on for a couple years we finally moved. I was finally feeling safe in our new place when it started happening again. I spend every night petrified of him making it into the house if I fell asleep. My husband was often gone and still believed me to be crazy. He actually convinced me I was. The guy trying to get in actually walked past the window and I had a room full of children scream and I thought I wasn't in reality because of the late nights and taunting from the men in my life. It finally stopped! My daughter was 5 years old and things were quiet. I found out later that my dad had finally lost his mind and had been locked up around the same time. I'm still tortured with the thought of what could've happened if he made it to my little girl. I knew we were safe but my mind didn't. I was always on the lookout and jumped at the smallest noise. Anger and rage easily flooded my mind and I was terrified of being around people. I forced myself to leave my daughter at her school without me. I couldn't have her far from me ever. I did everything I could to hide all of this from her but knew I needed to do more. So I went to collage. Hardest thing in my life! Leaving her, being around people and humiliating myself often (my personality had changed drastically as well). But I managed to get my degree with a 4.0.
I left my husband and got a full time job with a company in the shipping department. All of my symptoms were still there but I had numbed myself to them I didn't realize how bad I treated people or how insanely tight my muscle always were, I just felt the pain. Nightmares just became a part of my night as well as the constant checking on my daughter. My husband and I share custody. He's made a massive change and has finally become the perfect dad and a great friend of mine. My biggest supporter (weird right!). So it was another massive fall apart leaving her without me... Even through the nights! Anyways, I was able to finally get myself under control but some thing happened and I felt myself flair up. Noticed the muscle tension and a few of my amplified feelings. Through the fog I decided to get help and found a counsellor who instantly diagnosed me with PTSD.
My managed through the year of work had been verbally abusive and of course I argued back through most of it until I realized the first time around that I should shut my mouth and observe. This in turn helped me understand my amplified emotions and start getting them under control. I learned a lot through that time about myself. When things were flaring up and I sought help I instantly brought it to my manager. We were able to work through most of what I was calling our personality clashes by then but I knew I couldn't take another outburst from him. The exhaustion and pain through the years had left me very suicidal and it took all of my strength to make it through every day. I would never hurt anyone even in my fight or flight mode. I'd more than likely cry than fight. Lol Unless of course they were really a danger to someone. My manager took it well and promised to try harder. Didn't last very long and I found myself talking to someone higher up. I decided to try talking with my manager once more. Ended up emailing HR asking for a meeting. They brought me up and let me go. I did everything I could not even just emotionally and mentally but physically as well. I loved my job and the people I worked with. I weight lifted and did cardio so I could increase my production.
Being diagnosed was amazing because I could finally start noticing symptoms and working through them. I was one of the top performers there. My work never suffered and when something came up to prevent me from being at work I always made up not only my time but the work itself. I lacked and still lack with my communication skills. Something I was beginning to improve on. I'm devastated and know how easy it would be to give up but my daughter keeps me going. It gets difficult a lot lately to not give up. I've put so much work in to my job and my healing I am exhausted! A good nights rest would be amazing but not being let go because I couldn't handle my boss yelling at me would be better. Days were easier when I was working hard and keeping my mind busy. I'm clinging on and hoping this community can help through this time and keep me motivated to push forward.
I'll feel foolish for this later and probably delete it.
Last edited by a moderator:
