A Virtual Birthday Party? Still Depressed...

[Deleted member 28403]

:hug:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

@lostforgottensoul :hug: glad you like the wolves :tup: and so pleased, I think this was the best virtual birthday ever! :D

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Happy belated birthday

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I think this was the best virtual birthday ever!

Yes it was! Thank you guys so much! This made me laugh and cry (good tears) from 4am all the way to midnight so that's one amazing thread!

Thank you @gizmo! :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Oh and I did bookmark this thread both on my Samsung browser and firefox so I can get to it on either browser and whether logged in or not.

This is 6 pages of pure awesomeness! I wasnt expecting anything but this just blew me away. I dont feel I deserve this but I will keep that in my pocket and just let it be, let it lift me up!

:hug:s to everyone to took time to remind me that I am cared about. I couldnt of gotten a better birthday present and it made the day so wonderful.

My whole life, all I ever wanted, all I ever asked for was to be loved and cared about...for someone to say you mean something and you mean something to me and there is a reason that you should hold on, that this world would loose something special if it lost you.

My whole life, I reached for that, even in the darkest time I was still reaching. I reached online in many different ways and each time I was told that Im not trying hard enough...so i tried hard. Family saying you need to be like this first...so Id try my best to mold myself into what they wanted...mold into being 'acceptable' but the entire time I hoped and wished for just one person to accept me as I am (a very traumatized person, "dirty" from the past, has many issues, re-enacts things though not wanting to and not knowing why, biting the hand of the one that tries to help out of fear) and realize that im trying as hard as I can to get better, and would do anything within my power for any one...caring about others way more than myself, what you tells me goes fo my grave...that I make a great friend if one gives me the chance.

Not just one, but so many here gave me that chance, showed me what ive been reaching for my entire life; that im cared about, that there's reason to keep going, that this world would loose something big if I were gone and words cannot express how much I appreciate that!

All of you guys are amazing! Each and every one on this thread on and this forum are just amazing! Thank you so much for giving me the one thing Ive always wanted and needed; love!

Now im crying but they are good tears. Thank you guys, so much! :hug:

 

[Sue Tyler]

So I feel so stinking weird posting this as Im not a "look at me" sort of person and would rat...

Happy (belated) birthday. I know birthdays and holidays can sometimes intensify things... I hope you feel better. 35 seems so young to me (I'm 65) and you have so much life ahead of you. I hope every day, every month, every year gets better for you!

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thank you @Sue Tyler!

 

[Stalison]

So I feel so stinking weird posting this as Im not a "look at me" sort of person and would rat...

I don't think you should feel weird about your post. A lot of people don't like to see their birthdays come. I for one feel that it brings me closer to the " end of the line". As for your family's letter, I would mark it RETURN TO SENDER, PARTY UNAVAILABLE TO RECEIVE IT.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

@Stalison, my birthday is 4/9. The baby my mom lost 2 yrs before me ("the wanted one" per her) was born 4/2. My mom's b-day is 3/9. She wanted her birthday "present". So from the beginning of March to about a week or so past my birthday, so about mid April, is when the worst of the worst of my trauma happened. Worse then any other time of the year.

So when March is approaching, today it is super hard for me. I get super triggered over super small stuff. My emotions are all up in an upheavel. My thoughts are all over the place. I get super duper depressed and super suicidal. Every year. Spring is just a horrid timeframe for me.

Being older thus closer to death is actually a happy thought for me. Which is odd I know.

 

[lady truck driver]

So I feel so stinking weird posting this as Im not a "look at me" sort of person and would rat...

Am sorry to hear that your special day is full of trauma memories. I have some happy memories of birthdays in childhood but not so much as an adult. Parents have passed away. Sisters and I don't speak because they stole my inheritance. And my son may or may not send me a text on my birthday and his wife and the kids never wish me a happy birthday. So I try to feel happy on that day and usually am working but I treat myself to a meal and birthday cake. Be good to yourself.