lostforgottensoul
VIP Member
So I feel so stinking weird posting this as Im not a "look at me" sort of person and would rather become part of the wall than to get attention but I had posted about depression leading up to my birthday and well here it is....35...
@Recovery4Me had the idea of having a virtual birthday party and well I wasnt sure if I was even gonna post this. Please no one think this is an attention seeking thread and totally ok if no one replies.
The month leading up to my birthday is very hard. From early March to just a bit past my birthday (today, 4/9) and Thanksgiving to just past Christmas has for to be the hardest times for me.
Part because back then everything tripled; the rituals, the punishments, the "work" and money I had to bring in...because I dared to be born, and dared to be a girl...no matter how much she tried to turn me into a boy and 'punish' the parts that werent.
Part because it reminds me that my family cant stand me and one sends a "birthday letter" to tell me just how much they hate me. I got that yesterday. I havent thrown it out but i havent read it yet. I do read it some years, hoping they've changed their view of me and I think part of it is just being curious. I feel like burning it without opening it but part of me wonders what if they had a change of heart? So unsure of what to do with that.
All day yesterday ive been very nauseous, like Im sitting in the bathroom for hrs type but didnt throw up. I finally came over to lay down on the couch with a 'just in case' bucket and Im sure part of that is having a UTI and part is taking antibiotics on an empty stomach but ive taken these and all antibiotics on an empty stomach and its never had that effect so Id be lying to myself if I said that was all of it.
Im in a very different space this year then any other year. Its a new space, a super raw space. A space with 10 millons very intense emotions that I havent a clue how to deal with. Im trying to push through this waist high pile of shit the best I can; but some days (like today) it just feels like its sucking me under. Which one will win? The shit or me whom is fighting so hard to work through trauma and get control of my own brain again. But fighting against and walking through waist high shit is exhausting...most days I would rather it take me under...
Also i thought not allowing myself to brush my teeth was a fitting 'punishment' for daring to have a birthday...or for living; unsure which. It wasnt "allowed" back then so at times its a 'punishment' to redue. I did talk myself into brushing my teeth but it took a lot of self convincing and as always without looking on the mirror. I put the tooth paste on the tooth brush squinting my eyes so i cant see the mirror and then close my eyes while brushing me teeth.
So i guess all of that taken into account, depression is still on the horizon, if not worse than ever.
My step mom went down to Walgreens a few hrs before midnight and bought the first thing she saw and she said "I told your dad that she never gets anything for her birthday, no cards or anything". It was sweet. I cant remember the name of it, its a plastic cup with a grip and a staw and you can pop the top and put snacks in there...like a bowl above the cup and a staw goes through the whole thing. Its on tv for kids, like snack eaze or something.
Anyway, it was sweet, she knew ive been depressed and so though I dont think i'll ever use the snack part, I did need a new cup for work. Either way, it was very sweet for her to notice that Ive been down and to think of me. It could of been anything and it would have made me smile. Though it is sort of like a 'pity gift' and I dont want pity but i cant downgrade how sweet the thought was.
So i guess this is my virtual birthday party thread. My favorite cake is red velvet.
Again, no one needs to reply...it wasnt my idea and feels super weird...
@Recovery4Me had the idea of having a virtual birthday party and well I wasnt sure if I was even gonna post this. Please no one think this is an attention seeking thread and totally ok if no one replies.
The month leading up to my birthday is very hard. From early March to just a bit past my birthday (today, 4/9) and Thanksgiving to just past Christmas has for to be the hardest times for me.
Part because back then everything tripled; the rituals, the punishments, the "work" and money I had to bring in...because I dared to be born, and dared to be a girl...no matter how much she tried to turn me into a boy and 'punish' the parts that werent.
Part because it reminds me that my family cant stand me and one sends a "birthday letter" to tell me just how much they hate me. I got that yesterday. I havent thrown it out but i havent read it yet. I do read it some years, hoping they've changed their view of me and I think part of it is just being curious. I feel like burning it without opening it but part of me wonders what if they had a change of heart? So unsure of what to do with that.
All day yesterday ive been very nauseous, like Im sitting in the bathroom for hrs type but didnt throw up. I finally came over to lay down on the couch with a 'just in case' bucket and Im sure part of that is having a UTI and part is taking antibiotics on an empty stomach but ive taken these and all antibiotics on an empty stomach and its never had that effect so Id be lying to myself if I said that was all of it.
Im in a very different space this year then any other year. Its a new space, a super raw space. A space with 10 millons very intense emotions that I havent a clue how to deal with. Im trying to push through this waist high pile of shit the best I can; but some days (like today) it just feels like its sucking me under. Which one will win? The shit or me whom is fighting so hard to work through trauma and get control of my own brain again. But fighting against and walking through waist high shit is exhausting...most days I would rather it take me under...
Also i thought not allowing myself to brush my teeth was a fitting 'punishment' for daring to have a birthday...or for living; unsure which. It wasnt "allowed" back then so at times its a 'punishment' to redue. I did talk myself into brushing my teeth but it took a lot of self convincing and as always without looking on the mirror. I put the tooth paste on the tooth brush squinting my eyes so i cant see the mirror and then close my eyes while brushing me teeth.
So i guess all of that taken into account, depression is still on the horizon, if not worse than ever.
My step mom went down to Walgreens a few hrs before midnight and bought the first thing she saw and she said "I told your dad that she never gets anything for her birthday, no cards or anything". It was sweet. I cant remember the name of it, its a plastic cup with a grip and a staw and you can pop the top and put snacks in there...like a bowl above the cup and a staw goes through the whole thing. Its on tv for kids, like snack eaze or something.
Anyway, it was sweet, she knew ive been depressed and so though I dont think i'll ever use the snack part, I did need a new cup for work. Either way, it was very sweet for her to notice that Ive been down and to think of me. It could of been anything and it would have made me smile. Though it is sort of like a 'pity gift' and I dont want pity but i cant downgrade how sweet the thought was.
So i guess this is my virtual birthday party thread. My favorite cake is red velvet.
Again, no one needs to reply...it wasnt my idea and feels super weird...
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