So my husband has told me that after several sessions with his trauma dr., theyve concluded that I am his trigger. They have not touched on the childhood sexual abuse yet. Instead the focus has been our relationship and his exit for a minimum 3 month seperation. Last night we told our children and today he left for a 6 hour drive to a fishing trip for the holiday weekend. On his return he will then be going to canada 2 days early for a work trip that will last a week. He has been doing this regularly. Leaving. I have never felt so alone and abandoned. With the responsibilities of the kids and the house. I'm so tired of crying and feeling blamed for everything from the affair he had--- to his trauma. I have tried to be supportive in many different ways including keeping my distance emotionally. It seems he's just a different person. I miss the man I fell in love with. And currently can't seem to see any light at the end of this dark lonely tunnel...
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Relationship abandoned.
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TruthSeeker
Diamond Member
So sorry about this situation you are in. While he's gone, reflect on the change in quality of your life. Change the things that you can control, avoid drama-esp around the kids, keep your regular routine for you and the kids, and strive to make positive memories for your kids in a bad situation......get a therapist you like to help you in this transitional time.
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- #3
I have a wonderful therapist
And I hold it together pretty good most of the time it’s these little moments when it feels like there r rocks on my chest that I fall apart
And the disbelief that he can’t see outside of himself at what he’s leaving behind
I would support him however he needed if he would let me, but this is just too much
And I hold it together pretty good most of the time it’s these little moments when it feels like there r rocks on my chest that I fall apart
And the disbelief that he can’t see outside of himself at what he’s leaving behind
I would support him however he needed if he would let me, but this is just too much
Friday
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It’s one of the huge benefits of an actual divorce or separation... no longer being yanked around like a top on string, expecting someone to be there when they’re not, constantly/randomly being let down and having to scramble to cover the gaps... it is a 1,000 times easier to actually set up your life as a single parent, than to be dealing with someone who is cutting and running whenever the mood suits them. Because as a single parent? You have all of your bases covered, backups & resources in place. The schedule is also -usually- at least roughly nailed down. <<< That is always but always a contentious pain in the ass for everyone, but it’s better than the alternative, which is what you're living right now >>> You aren’t counting on someone who isn’t there -or worse- leaves you reeling in addition to not being there. It’s not a string of betrayals that cuts deeper and deeper into any chance of reconciling.
I’ve known a few couples who manage on the “I’ll just try to be here as little as possible” paradigm and make it work... because at least the expectations are lowered, but I couldn’t do it. (I’m not talking about active duty military, commercial fisherman, oil rigs, and a zillion other jobs where someone is gone on a regular basis, rather than supposed to be there and just not showing up or bailing left right and center). It was too exhausting, always waiting on pins and needles to try and “make the best of it” (read cancelling existing plans, etc.) to try and accomodate someone who was half-assedly trying to get back in my good graces one minute, and then blaming me & ruining things / picking fights the next. But my ex is a GradeA Asshole. He wasn’t coming round to spend time with the kids, or be a family, he was mostly coming round to keep me as off balance as possible. Not that I learned that until later -mutual friends- that he’d deliberately show up to scuttle plans TheKiddo and I had to punish us and keep me from having a reliable schedule. Bullshit emotional games some people play piss me the hell off. He reeeeeeally didn’t want to get divorced, so he ping ponged back and forth between being lovely (you want me back!) and being hellish (It’s better when I’m back). :rolleyes:
Point being the chaos and the tumult? Whether it’s intentional (like win my ex) or an accidental byproduct? It keeps you off balance, and on your back foot. Whether you stay together, separate, or divorce? Don’t let ANYONE put you on your back foot. If he wants to blow in and out of your life like the March wind? IME/IMO make him do it to YOUR schedule. IE have a schedule that doesn’t include him / if he wants to be a part of your lives he can adjust to that. Because it’s 1000x harder being a single parent INSIDE of a marriage where someone is “supposed” to be there... and <crickets> has left you, again. And again. And again. . All the drawbacks, none of the benefits.
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- #5
Oh my god. Spot on.
With the exception of the intentional malicious part... that i know of
But yes. I’m running the show & I can without him. It’s the expectation and the desire to want a partner. A role he can’t or won’t fill right now
This was not who he always was and I know that’s holding onto the past. But it’s also what’s got me all messed up.
For all I know he’s meeting the woman he had an affair with. That supposedly ended 3 months ago. It’s all upside down, what I thought I knew
I can’t sift through the push/pull and the lack of transparency. It’s a huge shit sandwich.
Compounded with my fear of where I will be left financially. It’s all too much
With the exception of the intentional malicious part... that i know of
But yes. I’m running the show & I can without him. It’s the expectation and the desire to want a partner. A role he can’t or won’t fill right now
This was not who he always was and I know that’s holding onto the past. But it’s also what’s got me all messed up.
For all I know he’s meeting the woman he had an affair with. That supposedly ended 3 months ago. It’s all upside down, what I thought I knew
I can’t sift through the push/pull and the lack of transparency. It’s a huge shit sandwich.
Compounded with my fear of where I will be left financially. It’s all too much
Gs172003
Diamond Member
It's not only harder on you but it's harder on any kids involved. They don't understand why daddy should be there but isn't. Please just do what is best for you and the kids and not him. Let him deal with his own stuff.
TruthSeeker
Diamond Member
If I were you, I wouldn't minimize this as a "little moment." Separation of family is a big deal.....and when this happened to me...it was a tumultuous time and hope guided me to a better place......You sound like you have inner strength that will keep you moving forward. I was married, and then separated, but felt abandoned and so very alone-and in my case, I felt betrayed-so I can relate. I'm glad it turned out the way it did....but yucking through the emotional muck......was internally really messy and confusing at times....change is so hard, but with change can bring a newer, more predictable and refreshing perspective on life .....keep the faith so to speak.
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