Abandonment/attachment W/t

[UnicornSightings]

Oh my God I'm so excited to be here! I finally created an account after reading everyone for several months. You guys are great!

So I'm sorry this isn't a new topic but it's one that freaken sucks. I feel like my therapist of almost 2 years hates me and I love her so much and get angry with her and she doesn't handle that well so I plan to never get angry at her again (in session). Sucks to stifle it but attachment... gotta keep the peace or she will leave me and all that childhood crap rearing its head.

I've talked to her about my feelings, all the fear of her leaving me, of all of my insecurities in session, of how I miss her. It's all so embarrassing and yet I know it's completely normal.

Thing is, I think talking about this is the most important thing to do right now because it's taking center stage (it hasn't always. Seems to cycle back around and is at its worst right now) but I don't think she wants to hear about it. I don't think she can handle it or knows what to do with it other than listen. Which is good and the most important but when she responds I twist her words. I'll give an example. Yesterday morning I asked about my progress. She said that I've made incredible progress and if I wanted to be done in 6 weeks that she believed I would be ok and if I wanted to stay longer that would be ok as well. If I wanted to come for the rest of time that'd be ok. But I stayed FIXED on the 6 weeks and was shocked she thought I should leave in 6 weeks!!! Wtf! Now obviously that's not what she said but I wasn't rational at all and had a small fit there and gave her the silent treatment for awhile. Yes! I get embarrassingly child-like there!!!

I spent all day yesterday and most of today knowing next week I was just not gonna show up and hoping to make her mad and wonder if she made a mistake in what she said to me and how I should feel all the loss and hurt now full force because I'm already feeling it and all of that. Overreaction? That's my jam.

So now, at this very moment, and it will change because I'm all over the place with her emotionally right now, I've started to journal what I call "therapist files" where I write as if I'm talking to her. A way to get all these thoughts out that keep changing so I stop obsessing so much. I'm hoping it helps.

I'm curious about what would happen if I never went back. If I didn't have a good goodbye. If I abandon everyone in my life first as has been habit. I know I can handle being hurt and feel the loss but feeling the loss while I still have her is weird.

I just wanted to get these thoughts out and have others read them. It's so great to be a part of this community! I can't wait to reply to posts and offer help. :)

 

[Freedomfighter]

PTSD consists of a lot of forward spurts and setbacks, you may try to contact her with your concerns and just go from there.

 

[UnicornSightings]

PTSD consists of a lot of forward spurts and setbacks, you may try to contact her with your conc...

Thank you for replying! Yes, I have talked to her about it the past couple weeks and left feeling worse. I think since I know my feelings are childhood related I'll try to handle them on my own as best I can and only bring it up again if I can't be open about other things. I just don't think she can give me the answers or has the desire to help. Which may be bull$hit but is hard to not believe.

 

[mrsmegan]

I have found that what really helps in my communication with my T is to put it on me and try really hard not to project things on to him that are not really there.

For example - I felt really (insert emotion) when this happened. Or. I am having a hard time with thinking XYZ.

As opposed to - You made me feel (insert emotion). You want to leave me and hate me.

I have also found that when I start apologizing - what I really need is to ask a question. For example - are you upset with me? or Was that really silly/stupid of me? Instead of just this blanket apology for nothing.

Putting this ownership of your own thoughts/emotions - and framing as questions - is really helpful in bringing down accusatory stuff and generally will make the conversation more fruitful.

 

[Suzetig]

Do you know how you'd like her to answer or what she might do or say that would feel helpful to you?

 

[UnicornSightings]

I have found that what really helps in my communication with my T is to put it on me and try really ha...

That all sounds more mature than I can be lol! When I'm there I can't get my bearings and access normal, adult behavior. It's pretty fascinating but pretty torturous as well. A day or 2 after session I feel slightly better and I'm able to look at it in a different way. I wish I could get some help with how to comnunicate this to her better without acting like a child at times and definitely without the anger. Jesus you'd think she would help me with that. And 90% of the time everything is completely ok. This transference reared its head awhile back and that was awful but it went away. I was hoping it would stay gone. I'm not sure whether to just never contact her again or show up or if I should continue on. It's hell either way. I feel loss either way.

Do you know how you'd like her to answer or what she might do or say that would feel helpful to you?[/Q...

Yes, but she would never say what I want her to say. She won't even reassure me that my thoughts aren't right. She has that be my job to not create dependence and to access my own wisdom and all that crap. And she's helped me so much but I just want to be dependent on her for the rest of my life. Which obviously isn't healthy at all but it's a mother/child transference issue so it's normal for me to want that. But I can't have it. It's just hard because it feels so primal, you know? Like a ripping open of my heart at times. I numbed this $hit when I was a kid and for good reason. I'm trying I numb it still but it isn't working. And I'm trying also to just feel the emotions and journal it but it sucks. I realize this isn't a life or death problem. I can still function. Nothing has fallen apart, my life is ok. It's just background noise in my life right now and it's so very sad.

 

[Deleted member 40384]

Oh I relate to this so much! I have moments when T says something, or doesn't say something, that triggers my abandonment fears. Then I ruminate about it, overanalyze it, and the anger keeps building. My T doesn't handle me being angry or frustrated, either. Anger is an emotion I wasn't allowed to express in childhood. Is that the same for you? In those moments of anger with my T, as much as I want to withdraw and try to make him see how he's hurt me, or even totally leave, I try to be mindful of my feelings and be as compassionate with myself as possible. Those feelings are totally understandable. The fear of abandonment feels so overwhelming, and we're trying the best we can to protect ourselves from hurt. Being mindful of that can allow some space for us to realize that our habitual reactions aren't serving us in the way they did in the past. Our relationship with our T is a chance to really communicate our feelings, and be vulnerable while trusting that we won't be abandoned. I find these are the most difficult conversations to have in therapy, but often are the most productive. Can you talk to your T about how what she said made you feel? About how you are having feelings of wanting to walk away to avoid being abandoned? It's hard to have these conversations when being vulnerable with our feelings in the past resulted in mistreatment. In therapy we can learn that conflict in a healthy relationship is natural and builds deeper trust resilience, because we can learn to communicate in healthy ways.

 

[Butterflies2023]

Oh my God I'm so excited to be here! I finally created an account after reading everyone for...

I was in therapy five years and this attachment is very real and strong because it was never developed in childhood. But I realized as a client I did not want t ever be dependent on a therapist either. I know he has his job and I have mine in counseling. I worked very hard to be cognizant if this phenomenon in therapy and developed healthy replacements to use outside the office. Every week I scheduled one new activity and took my time doing it. I went alone because I needed to have conversations with myself - check my feelings along the way. I slowly got myself ready for the activity (like going to museum) or movie .... slowly got in car ... got gas and a water and circled the parking structure a couple times to get comfortable with all this and parked and everything I did was in slow motion or pace. It worked well I found more places to go. Always alone because I knew I would be talking to myself calming myself and this became more regular. now I thoroughly enjoy it. But it took a looong time of consistently doing this to keep me from relying on the therapist. it is a challenge and you need to challenge yourself. It's your homework.

 

[Laurie2001]

I completely have that experience. I am constantly, more so in the past, getting upset with my T for something she says that I feel implies a criticism or minimizing my experience. I'm on watch for it. It was hard because I always told her when I was upset but I expressed my emotions usually angrily or i'd curl up or dissociate. What helped was talking through it. I had/have to tell her every time I'm worried about something she says. I get its transference, etc. but still need to do it. And I feel totally dependent. I've completely fantasized about being a little girl, even a baby and her taking me away from my home and raising me. I think it makes sense. I know its not the case, but its comforting.

I get why the 6 weeks freaked you out, however she also said if you wanted to see her forever that would be fine. She was saying I think that she's there for you for as long as you need her and want to see her. Mine has said that too. Its OK to be dependent, I think. I don't know how we can't be when we're going through this.

 

[UnicornSightings]

Oh I relate to this so much! I have moments when T says something, or doesn't say something, that trigg...

Yes, same for me! Anger and rage were my mom's tools. I didn't really get to have any emotions. If I did, I would pay for it. She wanted all of the attention and sympathy for her hard life.

It's SOOOO hard to communicate effectively and kindly with my T when I'm upset. It's like the switch in my head is set to "irrational" and "bonkers" and I just get lost in accusing, assuming and shutting down to punish her. I lose all access to my adult wisdom and reason. And then it's too late. I've said something, slightly offensive, that I can't take back. And so I don't really try. I blame her for not helping me communicate better. It's sooooo childish and I do judge myself for those moments.

These moments are few and far between. We have probably talked about transference 4 times and 2 were a long time ago. I feel like she doesn't want to talk about it or hear about it. And it's all about what she wants, what she's comfortable with and what I can do to make her like me more. And yes, I realize in actuality it is about none of those things. Thank you so much for relating.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I was in therapy five years and this attachment is very real and strong because it was never d...

I work on myself all of the time. I've gotten over my anxieties and have done so many things to change my thinking. Very little has been because of T (except, of course, for the constant acceptance, respect, compassion and listening. Which is utterly priceless.) but skill-wise, changing my beliefs and hebits-wise, mostly all me. If I wasn't attached to her I'd be out of there. I have no more need for anything there. But that listening, though!!! By HER??!!!! I want it for the rest of my life. And she has become a faux-mother that I can be delusional about until the day she abandons me. Sweet deal.

 

[UnicornSightings]

I completely have that experience. I am constantly, more so in the past, getting upset with my T fo...

Yes, the 6 weeks... I know that she didn't mean it like that but the idea that it could be so easy for her to be rid of me. The idea that she doesn't understand how difficult this is for me, even thinking about leaving someday! I thought it was so insensitive of her, knowing how much I fear that dreaded day, to choose a random termination date so soon! So I told her she just doesn't understand. 6 weeks or bust. What a $hit deal. And I lose my adult brain there in those moments. I'm all in defensive, assuming, a$$hole mode and I sulk. I'm super pleasant

And I joke about my anger, my fits. I say things at the end after things are a bit better about "thanks for staying and not leaving the room. I know I can be unpleasant" and she laughs. I say it as a joke but I don't want her to laugh!!! I want her to tell me it's ok, that she doesn't want to leave in those difficult moments, that she will never leave.

She asks me sometimes "what do you need from me right now?"
I have no idea what she means or why she asks. Obviously I don't "need" anything. Ever. I'm alive. I'm breathing. If I was bleeding out maybe in my desperation I could see myself saying "I need you to call 911" but barring that, I have no needs from her. I have plenty of wants but she doesn't ask that. And so I say "nothing" or "what are you offering?" And she usually won't say what's she's offering so I don't know why she keeps on doing that. I NEED her to tell me why the hell she asks that