My husband and I have been in counseling now for over a year. We initially went (at my husband's suggestion) because I didn't want him to play any more golf than what he had promised me he would play (twice a month and an occasional tournament). The reason I didn't want him to play any more than that is because on about 10 or so of those times he did play, I never knew if he would be gone not only the day but the entire night or not. He would pick any reason out of the air to go to the boat (gambling) afterwards, drinking, and be out all night. I would always forgive him for doing this with his promise never to do it again. The last straw, I piled all of his belongings in the garage and told him he would have to go....no more. He did, but we eventually got back together.
He has held his promise of never to do that again for the last 4-5 years. However, just recently, we both (through counseling) have learned that I have serious abandonment issues. Even though my parents divorced when I was 17, I never felt abandoned by my father. He always came when he said he would and both my parents were good, solid role models. I never had any fears of abandonment until my husband pulled his "stunts". Now when he goes to play, I get physically ill, sweaty, a real need to call him over and over (but usually don't) and just feel like I'm going crazy until he is actually home - then I feel like I can breath again. I have recently realized that this is the only time I feel this way - when he goes to play golf. I don't feel that way when he goes to the store without me, or visits any of his family without me or do anything else without me. I believe it is only the golf because that is the only time when he would stay out all night - after the golfing. Since this discovery of my abandonment issues, I have joined a group (I've had only 1 session). My husband is now wanting to play in a league (close to home) every Monday night in addition to his every other Friday. I know in my head that him playing in a league is not unreasonable, but I also feel like I am just getting my feet wet facing my abandonment issues and have asked him not to put any more stress on my plate. I want to learn the coping methods of dealing with my issues and plan to go to this group regardless of our "status". But I feel that he could really help me, by not adding any more stress, until I can get a better feel (for lack of a better term) on how to cope.
I'm pretty sure that he will choose to play anyway, regardless of my discomfort. If he does, all I want to do is get away from him. It's the not knowing..... I would rather be completly apart from him than have to face these stressful attacks even more often than I already do. That decision I have already made and am ready at any moment to live my life without him. My question is: Since I feel that he is responsible for my developing these abandonment issues, shouldn't he respect my "boundries" by not joining this league.... at least until I've gotten more than just my feet wet in the recovery process? At least I have admitted to my issues, and am very willing to receive help for them. He is pretty much emotionally unattached (according to our counselor) and needs a group himself for his shame issues - but he's not doing anything about that. He just wants me "fixed" so he can play more golf. This is long, but am hopeful for some honest responses. Thanks.
He has held his promise of never to do that again for the last 4-5 years. However, just recently, we both (through counseling) have learned that I have serious abandonment issues. Even though my parents divorced when I was 17, I never felt abandoned by my father. He always came when he said he would and both my parents were good, solid role models. I never had any fears of abandonment until my husband pulled his "stunts". Now when he goes to play, I get physically ill, sweaty, a real need to call him over and over (but usually don't) and just feel like I'm going crazy until he is actually home - then I feel like I can breath again. I have recently realized that this is the only time I feel this way - when he goes to play golf. I don't feel that way when he goes to the store without me, or visits any of his family without me or do anything else without me. I believe it is only the golf because that is the only time when he would stay out all night - after the golfing. Since this discovery of my abandonment issues, I have joined a group (I've had only 1 session). My husband is now wanting to play in a league (close to home) every Monday night in addition to his every other Friday. I know in my head that him playing in a league is not unreasonable, but I also feel like I am just getting my feet wet facing my abandonment issues and have asked him not to put any more stress on my plate. I want to learn the coping methods of dealing with my issues and plan to go to this group regardless of our "status". But I feel that he could really help me, by not adding any more stress, until I can get a better feel (for lack of a better term) on how to cope.
I'm pretty sure that he will choose to play anyway, regardless of my discomfort. If he does, all I want to do is get away from him. It's the not knowing..... I would rather be completly apart from him than have to face these stressful attacks even more often than I already do. That decision I have already made and am ready at any moment to live my life without him. My question is: Since I feel that he is responsible for my developing these abandonment issues, shouldn't he respect my "boundries" by not joining this league.... at least until I've gotten more than just my feet wet in the recovery process? At least I have admitted to my issues, and am very willing to receive help for them. He is pretty much emotionally unattached (according to our counselor) and needs a group himself for his shame issues - but he's not doing anything about that. He just wants me "fixed" so he can play more golf. This is long, but am hopeful for some honest responses. Thanks.
