Wow, these are wonderful comments. To be fair, and I can't entirely remember, but this therapist called it an 'emotional wound', with (I think?) abandonment being part of it. I think what is missing here is context, In her case, her mother could not love her as she wished, as society would define, or as she loved her own children. She had to come to the point of being able to acknowledge and say, "My mother didn't love me", and deal with the pain and fear of how that must have felt as a child to the present. How it manifested itself. She did not blame her mother (intergenerational trauma), nor did it sound like she expected others to fill a role or emotionally manipulate. She was kind of the other end of the Bell curve- denying the pain existed. or that it had any effect on her.
I have to agree with
@enough here (Incredible story of The Bus btw
)
t's pretty easy to know that it is a universal handle allowing grasp of the deepest inner fears (survival).
After today I believe this is true. And this is why: I can remember my own or other's experiences, such as being abandoned (as an adult) 25 miles out from warmth at -45 degrees C; being left to 'walk home' from a strange area 25 miles with no transportation; being in a position of immediately being without food, resources or shelter, while trying to hide it at work. Etc. There are so many examples.
And it could go the other way: the homeless or unconscious person (I) walk by and do not check on; anyone in need I turn away from.
I think what she/ Pete Walker might be driving at here is not that it is used as emotional manipulation, but the opposite: denial it had any effect at all. As
@scout86 said:
So, is there anyone else who reacts to the whole "abandonment" thing with the thought., "That's ok, I don't need 'em anyway, I'll be just FINE ALL BY MYSELF!" ? I think I've been telling myself that as long as I've been telling myself anything. Seems unreasonable to expect anything from anyone
Me too. But it could be argued that that is a protective mechanism, if one believes everyone will abandon (not if but when). Since, quite frankly- if one's family can't love them who knows them best, who could? And how, as a child, could we ever do anything but internalize the fault is inherent within us? I think it's more obvious to others but not obvious to those of us who have experienced it, that the extreme independence (and pushing people away) is actually itself on the far end of the Bell curve too. And I too, can't recall all the negatives. But it does explain why I learned (as an adult) that the neighbours next door who had 6 boys would call my dad when they were alone and heard a strange noise, and my dad would come and check everything out and leave them feeling relieved (my dad never told us, either, to protect their dignity, for lack of a better word). On the other hand, I can recall my sister and I hearing a sound and staying up all night at the door, her with a boiling pot of water and me with a baseball bat taller than me (we were about 4 and 11). But neither was it 'a big deal'. Nor did we tell anyone later.
I don't believe grown adults should run around using such terms as abandonment willy-nilly, but I do believe after today that Pete Walker is on to something. (Even my dad said the worst thing that stuck with him was at 6, and he went through A LOT. But the same type of background, though he had good parents/ good people. And really, in many ways my mom the same). He helped many people. Even then, one guy blew his brains out with him in the guy's kitchen. But my dad tried. And literally 100's of others said later, "If it wasn't for your dad (X- I would have killed myself/ lost my marriage/ not gotten this job/ lost my job/ not been able to make a life after prison, etc).
I remember it said Mother Teresa helped the poorest of the poor, those alone and abandoned. But they were. I remember one story where an adult man threw his mother away in a garbage can. (No judgement, it actually didn't surprise me, for several reasons but now I realize because I 'got it', not just the stress and burn out and overwhelm but abandonment ). But today I see the opposite of abandonment is caring. And sometimes people care when we can't even ask for it, like the EMT's say the silent ones nay be worse than those screaming at an accident scene. But just as equally, it is me abandoning someone to desert them in their time of (even greatest) need. I don't want to ever do that again.
Another important part I think I get from this, is Walker/ the therapist saying about it leaves a person with a constant stream of negative thoughts, and fear and terror, as well as catastrophizing, and feeling 'alone' (hard to explain). I used to think I just had a 'monkey brain' -always so many thoughts. But the real truth is, my thoughts are negative/ toxic. Not mean to others (usually) or the such- not that way. Hard to describe- worried about everything that is going wrong/ could go wrong/ may be wrong, and trying to stay a top of it to fix it, all the while staying sane (~sort of). And never being able to relax or feel safe. It's like the bottom levels of Maslow's Hierarchy of needs without a doubt. I could be on a beach in Spain and still I'd be there with 'my brain'. Plus thoroughly self shaming/ abasing/ self-rejecting. No ability to have a voice or backbone. I want to change that too. So far this has given me a bit of understanding to recognize it and do it. A break in denial is a pretty remarkable thing too. I think. But I feel it'd be unlikely I would have gotten to this point without others not abandoning me. Even if I never asked for it, nor expected it, nor ever though it was possible.
Sorry for the long read!!
