Abandonment Wound?

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking more about this too @enough , to not want is not to be in want. And for eg, SI is often from not wanting to be receiving what no one should, or conversely not wanting to becoming the same, either. Just out.

I think like talking about Shimmerville, many of us want out. We don't want what others have, we just want our own peace. JMHO though.

Sorry @enough , am on the run, should have finished above with the most important: you are Exactly right, sever the emotional connections of those who abandoned, those who abuse; see them for what their actions reveal, for your own peace. There's a really big difference between everyone is human and makes mistakes, and abuse, abandonment and lies. And oddly, they will always (if living) expect you to shoulder the blame, and give what they withhold, and then blame you for what they themselves do.

Good luck with your journey. Peace to you.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking about this again, that to a great degree I can't be 'me', as in doing what I would normally, or reaching out, or what have you, both giving and in need. Then I remember I am not welcome. And I guess I will have to do it elsewhere.

Really disappointed I was so wrong in who I thought cared. Not who I don't, as that was no surprise. I guess I just was wrong. Makes me fear more trusting anyone. Guess it makes me pretty stupid too.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I'm not sure of the words @Friday , it's not something I even verbalize to myself. I guess just to say, it is my nature, or values / loyalties to like to live peacefully, and with high value for relationships and people. To prefer to live knowing they have your back and veice versa, then I don't have to censor/ think/ remember/ guard what I choose or think, I just have positive regard. To realize though, I'm not worth the dirt under their nails, is painful. I wonder too, if it's from being myself. Versus what they'd rather have, or can tolerate.
 

Friday

Moderator
To realize though, I'm not worth the dirt under their nails, is painful.
For true.

If you value their opinions more than you value your own.

Been there. It’s just not somewhere I recommend vacationing, much less living.

To prefer to live knowing they have you back and veice versa, then I don't have to censor/ think/ remember/ guard what I choose or think, I just have positive regard
Being around “my people”? Is rarer, and more precious, than I credited it with… before I found myself living amongst idiots -that I happened to like/love/respect- by choice. It very much highlighted the wisdom of my choices. Or lack thereof. But? Reasons.

For awhile, I managed to split the difference. I spent MOST of my time amongst the well intentioned idiots. But I “vacationed” (IE worked, very very part time) amongst people like me. The balance it creates, both needed/wanted groups, salved the pain of separation.
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
suffering the fools sucks but it is necessary, from time to time. I have a very deliberate thought and action process I go through before I will part ways with one. having them part ways with me? well, that there is a gift and a timesaver even if it hurts. Over it.

depends on the level of mis spent trust, that last part. If I doubted them from the start? easy. Over it. If I was born wired to expect to be able to trust them, looking like a completed over it statement is going to be a tough one and I may not have enough time left. Would I be born to different parents if I could? thats the depth of fantasy I can get to, no further than that. Enough
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @Friday , you understand. And you said something that shocked me:

If you value their opinions more than you value your own.

Been there. It’s just not somewhere I recommend vacationing, much less living.

I have never (that I can recall) valued my own opinions about myself over other's opinions. I suppose like the analogy of meta-cognition is similar- how could I ever objectively know how I am, or to be with, when I am always with myself, know no other way, and can't be objective? And along with it, of course like some people I am reminded or recall what is said about me as wrong, unacceptable, or otherwise a negative. I can say what I like, or don't, or what is not my nature or out of my comfort zone, or feel like a round peg in a square hole, but it simply never occurred to me to have an opinion of myself that over-rides others'. And because we see ourselves as reflected by others, too. I probably lack self-awareness, but I also never found 'myself' to be a topic of curiosity, pretty boring if I know 'me', and therefore not worth a lot of time focusing on. And/or maybe never felt entitled to my opinion having any weight, or voice, who knows?

I was thinking even posting, "Pity party, table for one". But actually, beyond feeling it was misplaced trust, I think most importantly it is more a shame attack if there is such a term, and in the true definition of shame, of what is wrong with me. Because even misplaced trust becomes more about the shame of misplaced trusting. For me it doesn't really ever come back to how others are, as what I am, or am not. I always still default to, my reaction is all that is in question, all I'm responsible for, and says more about me, no matter what others do or don't. (Well and of course what precedes my reaction).

So thank you very much for your words.

And as you & @enough said, idiots or fools, well again I can think that as people (we all can be) very f*ed up, or do f'ed up things. But it never occurred to me in that form. (Though I can think A-hole about a person, sometimes).

And you are both right, whether it be wiring or loyalty or loyalty to self, combined with circumstances or vulnerability, I couldn't or it woldn't have sat well to have chosen otherwise.

Thank you both.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
i think I was taught or decided to love people no matter what they did or didn't do, to this day. That is pretty stupid, and I have no one to blame but myself. I have accepted abuse, unkindness, disrespect, neglect and disregard, and forgiven it because I have been abusive, unkind, disrepectful and de-valuing of my own self. I was taught or internalized I had no value, and fulfilled it.
 
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