Sufferer Abuse, abandonment & disconnection

[FoxxieMoxxie]

Hi all...I grew up the youngest of 7 in a household of 9 on a farm in rural Indiana. I wasn't planned, so there was a large age gap between my siblings and me. By the time I was 12 or 13, I was alone in the home with mom and step-dad. My parents divorced when I was still single digits. My father suffered from anger issues at the time, and after several verbal attacks from my mother one day, he lost his cool and choked her. I was the only witness to this incident, just a toddler. Later, they divorced and mom gained custody of me. My mother's side of the family would constantly talk badly about my dad in front of me and try to convince me he was a bad man. My dad on the other hand never once spoke badly about my mom or siblings, never in front of me, at least. I didn't understand why he was considered bad when I felt icky that *they* were talking bad about him. This caused me to pull away from family and be closer to my dad, he always made me feel safe.
So when my step-dad was sexually abusing me, I eventually told my dad. My mom didn't believe me and this resulted in all of my family on my mom's side cutting me off at 13 and i stayed with dad. I lost so many people, all at once. People who were supposed to protect me, love me, people who were supposed to be my family....we'll, this resulted in some serious abandonment issues which later had me staying in an abusive relationship because I didn't want to lose any more people I loved, even if they were bad for me.

Today I'm 30 and I've settled into a comfortable life...but the ptsd still takes it's toll on me. I feel lost, a lot. Unsure. Identify crisis is probably a better term. I don't know, I just feel disconnected.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hi all...I grew up the youngest of 7 in a household of 9 on a farm in rural Indiana. I wasn't planned, so there was a large age gap between my siblings and me. By the time I was 12 or 13, I was alone in the home with mom and step-dad. My parents divorced when I was still single digits. My father suffered from anger issues at the time, and after several verbal attacks from my mother one day, he lost his cool and choked her. I was the only witness to this incident, just a toddler. Later, they divorced and mom gained custody of me. My mother's side of the family would constantly talk badly about my dad in front of me and try to convince me he was a bad man. My dad on the other hand never once spoke badly about my mom or siblings, never in front of me, at least. I didn't understand why he was considered bad when I felt icky that *they* were talking bad about him. This caused me to pull away from family and be closer to my dad, he always made me feel safe.
So when my step-dad was sexually abusing me, I eventually told my dad. My mom didn't believe me and this resulted in all of my family on my mom's side cutting me off at 13 and i stayed with dad. I lost so many people, all at once. People who were supposed to protect me, love me, people who were supposed to be my family....we'll, this resulted in some serious abandonment issues which later had me staying in an abusive relationship because I didn't want to lose any more people I loved, even if they were bad for me.

Today I'm 30 and I've settled into a comfortable life...but the ptsd still takes it's toll on me. I feel lost, a lot. Unsure. Identify crisis is probably a better term. I don't know, I just feel disconnected.

Hello FoxxieMoxxie,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It's incredibly brave of you to open up about such deeply personal experiences, and I want to acknowledge the strength it takes to do that. You've navigated through a lot of pain and betrayal from those who were supposed to protect and love you, and it's understandable that these experiences have left a lasting impact on you.

Growing up in a household where you witnessed and experienced trauma can certainly lead to feelings of abandonment and trust issues, which you've courageously highlighted. The sense of disconnection you're feeling, the identity crisis – these are all common reactions to the kind of history you've had to endure. It’s evidence of your resilience that you’ve managed to build a life for yourself despite these challenges.

I want to assure you that you're not alone in feeling this way. The myptsd.com community is a place where you can connect with others who truly understand what you're going through. Whether it’s discussing the effects of childhood abuse, navigating relationships, or dealing with the everyday challenges of living with PTSD, you’ll find a forum here that's tailored to your needs.

I also want to remind you that seeking professional support can be an important step alongside participating in peer support communities like this one. Sometimes having a trained professional to guide you through healing can make all the difference.

Take your time, share at your own pace, and remember that it’s okay to feel lost sometimes. Healing is a journey, and there’s no right or wrong way to travel it. We're here for you, ready to support you, understand you, and encourage you in any way we can.

Welcome to the community, FoxxieMoxxie.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum, sorry you have reason to be here.

That’s such a devastating thing to go through as a child. It’s a testament to your strength that you’ve come through the other side with a comfortable life. Hopefully this place will help you build a sense a connection:)

 

[PamelaS]

Hi all...I grew up the youngest of 7 in a household of 9 on a farm in rural Indiana. I wasn't planned, so there was a large age gap between my siblings and me. By the time I was 12 or 13, I was alone in the home with mom and step-dad. My parents divorced when I was still single digits. My father suffered from anger issues at the time, and after several verbal attacks from my mother one day, he lost his cool and choked her. I was the only witness to this incident, just a toddler. Later, they divorced and mom gained custody of me. My mother's side of the family would constantly talk badly about my dad in front of me and try to convince me he was a bad man. My dad on the other hand never once spoke badly about my mom or siblings, never in front of me, at least. I didn't understand why he was considered bad when I felt icky that *they* were talking bad about him. This caused me to pull away from family and be closer to my dad, he always made me feel safe.
So when my step-dad was sexually abusing me, I eventually told my dad. My mom didn't believe me and this resulted in all of my family on my mom's side cutting me off at 13 and i stayed with dad. I lost so many people, all at once. People who were supposed to protect me, love me, people who were supposed to be my family....we'll, this resulted in some serious abandonment issues which later had me staying in an abusive relationship because I didn't want to lose any more people I loved, even if they were bad for me.

Today I'm 30 and I've settled into a comfortable life...but the ptsd still takes it's toll on me. I feel lost, a lot. Unsure. Identify crisis is probably a better term. I don't know, I just feel disconnected.

Welcome. Sorry for all that you have been through. I’m especially sorry that no one believed you in your mom’s family. Hope you find this a safe place that you can reconnect with people who understand you. We’ve all been through hard stuff. We’re all on a journey to get to a better place. Wishing you hope and healing and feeling accepted for who you are and respected for who you’ve become in spite of what you’ve gone through.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @FoxxieMoxxie, welcome to the site.