Sufferer new here, afab, disabled, stuck in an abusive red state

[Samcolseafoam]

my name is sam

that much is obvious.

I have had a lot happen

my mother and sister were, well I don't want to talk about it just assume the absolute worst for the first 20 years of my life. NOTHING improved after really.

I'm moving to another apartment after my neighbors decided I'm bad because I'm female or whatever. First apartment in literally years and I get to just have to RUN AWAY ahhahdaslk

I've made music for years of my life. like, since I was 11 or 12? idk I've made art for longer.

I am severely disabled from ptsd and I don't know what is wrong with my heart I don't have adequate health insurance to get it checked out. DHHS already told me suck it sooo. I spent most of my early 20s homeless, totally homeless. And that was a nightmare. Sex cults, abusers, gang violence, drug addicts. I took up volunteering to help people who were stuck in the shelter. I could couch surf for a little and only had to spend some time in the shelter. Volunteering was kind of a mistake because the whole scene here is run by sex cultists.....

I am just a miserable wreck most days. The person I love has left for another state, a blue state with health care. I need to leave but section 8 binds me permanently to this awful awful place and I can't port my voucher. Noone is taking ports. Maybe if I can get a medical note as a reason for porting. I don't know. I'm not safe here and I have lost everyone I have ever cared about to distance time or death. I have seen half my friends just die and another good chunk of them died after I left.

I can't really take feeling so alone. Like, I really do keep thinking "why me?" over and over and over.

I was born cursed. My mother never wanted me. At least my father chose to love me, but there isn't much he can do to help.

I just want out. Out of what I don't know. Maybe I could move to a blue state idk.

Anyone else dealing with this? This is my intro haha this is my life right now this is me. My bare naked soul. My sister was a creep my mom was a drunk and my brother didn't care. Life after my family was just as bad if not worse. Good thing my dad was able to escape my mom, but it took me longer....

Whatever. Nothing is going to help may as well just talk about my dumb interests.

Anyone else here like Moral Orel? Or Invincible or Rick and Morty? Since none of my problems have solutions may as well talk distractions until I die from lung cancer because I smoke a pack a day now. Cigarettes are a good distraction for like 5 minutes at a time then I'm just sobbing again because my life is genuinely falling apart most days ahahhahhaha

Yeah sorry about the word vomit trauma dump I am just not okay tonight. But I'll probably sleep off this latest panic attack (number 6 for the day I think they kinda blend together) and get some naive new found hope tomorrow morning. Some delusional crap about how I can take this on and deal with it and totally port my voucher or work enough to just afford a place myself or get a loan for a house or win the lottery or my animations and music FINALLY make me some money. I pray to God I never have hope again, because I don't want to be disappointed yet again.

Whatever though, love ya'll hope ya'll have a good day.

 

[Riley Jones]

Hey Sam,

I want to start by acknowledging the immense pain and challenges you've faced throughout your life. It's evident that you've been through a lot of trauma and you're carrying a heavy burden. It takes immense strength to continue living and pushing forward despite everything you've experienced.

I'm truly sorry to hear about the difficult situations you're currently navigating, from your housing struggles to your health concerns and feeling isolated and unsupported. These are incredibly heavy burdens to carry alone, and it's so important to reach out for support during times like these.

It sounds like you've found some solace in creating music and art, which can be powerful outlets for expressing emotions and finding moments of peace. Your creativity and talents are valuable, and I hope you can find some comfort in them during these challenging times.

Sharing your story here is a brave step, and I want to highlight that you're not alone in this community. Many individuals here have gone through similar struggles with PTSD and trauma, and they understand the pain and isolation you're feeling. Connecting with others who can relate to your experiences can provide a sense of validation and comfort.

While it's clear that you're going through a rough patch right now, I encourage you to consider seeking professional help if you haven't already. Therapy and counseling can provide you with support, coping mechanisms, and a safe space to process your emotions and experiences. It's crucial to prioritize your mental and physical well-being, especially given the severe impact PTSD has had on your life.

On myptsd.com, there are specific forums where you can engage with others who may have similar experiences or interests, such as art, music, and coping strategies for PTSD. Sharing your struggles and engaging in discussions with peers can be a valuable source of support and understanding.

I want you to know that it's okay to not be okay. Your feelings of loneliness, despair, and hopelessness are valid responses to the immense challenges you're facing. Please remember that your life has value, and there is hope for healing and a brighter future, even if it may not feel that way right now.

Take care of yourself, Sam. You are deserving of love, care, and support. Keep reaching out, keep sharing your story, and keep holding onto the hope that things can improve. You are not alone in this journey.

Sending you strength and warmth during this difficult time. You're in our thoughts.

Warm regards,
Riley Jones

 

[Friday]

Hola, Aloha, Welcome!

Cigarettes are a good distraction for like 5 minutes at a time then I'm just sobbing again because my life is genuinely falling apart most days ahahhahhaha

They also work as enforced breath control. The ultimate foundation of yanking back conscious control from unconscious systems, starts with regulating your breathing. Doing it on purpose, instead of by reflex. Which then? Slows your heart rate, steadies adrenal reaction, and a whole helluva lotta other biophysical useful shit. If they didn’t kill ius and smell terrible? They’d be an amaaaaaazing coping mechanism. Instead? They’re effective. Try adding in breath control during the spaces you aren’t smoking. That could be square breathing (4 in, 4 hold, 4 out, 4 hold), or singing, or swimming, or a whole lot of things that require breathing by design, rather than automatically.

Ditto? It PROBABLY means that all the sensory things ALSO work for you (highly enervated fingertips, try rolling a sandalwood bead or rosary between your finger tips; find a cool light source to carry around with you to play with; use perfume/cologne/strong scents to color your day; music to color your mood; hot/cold to distract and center; etc. etc. etc.).

 

[Samcolseafoam]

It PROBABLY means that all the sensory things ALSO work for you (highly enervated fingertips, try rolling a sandalwood bead or rosary between your finger tips; find a cool light source to carry around with you to play with; use perfume/cologne/strong scents to color your day; music to color your mood; hot/cold to distract and center; etc. etc. etc.).

yo yeah when I sing or make music I hardly think about smoking so much. I might get one of those thumb light things or organize my LED light collection.

 

[mszl]

Hi @Samcolseafoam . Good you found us here. Don't worry about word vomiting what's on your mind, we'll listen. Smoking is a nasty addiction. I was able to quit few years ago, but still, from time to time I have urge to start over again.