There is a long history of abuse, im 33 for the most part counting physical age. I wont go through the list of every single one of them because it will be long but the more recent ones as we are all aware about childhood and early sexual, physical and psychological trauma.
6 years ago, I lost everything that was dear to me. I don't talk about it much because people will not understand the feeling behind the words. I went through a year of abuse at the hands of professionals - many of them at once 12 to be exact. Things I can not even put into words that make it feel right way of explaining it. These people were the worst of the worst and they caused the loss of everything. I love children, a huge part of my life and aspirations are as a father, that father that never makes the mistakes never abuse their kids and treat them right. I was married and blessed with a child days after the wedding and was the height of my life, the 1st baby not born of sexual abuse. I reached new limits with it and became everything I wanted to be for that child. I lost both of them not 10 seconds after the birth of my child.
Within the last few years and after so much pain and trauma I had another child. I am always surrounded by people that are not as they seem to be, abusers, wolves. I pledged my heart she was my soulmate and my best friend my love for her was infinite worshipped her. I endured a lot with her but as long as she once showed affection I was ok with it every once in a while. Oddly stabbing me was not traumatic but loved her more for it. But my child my beautiful little girl, the best thing that could have happened to me. At the end of that relationship my therapist helped me not to be obedient anymore to abuse, saying no is always bad in my life it has consequences. I would not obey unreasonable demands anymore, so she took my child from me and have not seen her in a year. Going to court is traumatic, paperwork from a court traumatic and my ex knows me so got the authorities involved too knowing it will create more trauma.
I am not finding any words to feel description of any of this to put feeling to it. For years now I am fully numb I don't feel much, only things related to trauma and PTSD that cant be stopped, and children only 2 things I feel for. I wish I had the emotional skills to explain things in a way that conveys the reality but I just can not. Also a problem with trauma, cant do doctors, NHS staff at all, mental health crisis teams all fold into trauma history so avoid like the plague. The very odd times been forced into medical intervention all get is you don't look suicidal, bye. They never see past what they see with their eyes.
The PTSD is bad around my daughter very bad. Every time a child on a tv screen or anything it has to be turned off because triggers thousands of images and flashbacks. Do not cry not for many many years but brings it down to that point then DID steps in and turns sadness into rage to help survival but then has to be stopped because rage is unacceptable and turned back into numbness. There is so much but I don't know if I am making any sense or conveying the feeling behind it. sorry
6 years ago, I lost everything that was dear to me. I don't talk about it much because people will not understand the feeling behind the words. I went through a year of abuse at the hands of professionals - many of them at once 12 to be exact. Things I can not even put into words that make it feel right way of explaining it. These people were the worst of the worst and they caused the loss of everything. I love children, a huge part of my life and aspirations are as a father, that father that never makes the mistakes never abuse their kids and treat them right. I was married and blessed with a child days after the wedding and was the height of my life, the 1st baby not born of sexual abuse. I reached new limits with it and became everything I wanted to be for that child. I lost both of them not 10 seconds after the birth of my child.
Within the last few years and after so much pain and trauma I had another child. I am always surrounded by people that are not as they seem to be, abusers, wolves. I pledged my heart she was my soulmate and my best friend my love for her was infinite worshipped her. I endured a lot with her but as long as she once showed affection I was ok with it every once in a while. Oddly stabbing me was not traumatic but loved her more for it. But my child my beautiful little girl, the best thing that could have happened to me. At the end of that relationship my therapist helped me not to be obedient anymore to abuse, saying no is always bad in my life it has consequences. I would not obey unreasonable demands anymore, so she took my child from me and have not seen her in a year. Going to court is traumatic, paperwork from a court traumatic and my ex knows me so got the authorities involved too knowing it will create more trauma.
I am not finding any words to feel description of any of this to put feeling to it. For years now I am fully numb I don't feel much, only things related to trauma and PTSD that cant be stopped, and children only 2 things I feel for. I wish I had the emotional skills to explain things in a way that conveys the reality but I just can not. Also a problem with trauma, cant do doctors, NHS staff at all, mental health crisis teams all fold into trauma history so avoid like the plague. The very odd times been forced into medical intervention all get is you don't look suicidal, bye. They never see past what they see with their eyes.
The PTSD is bad around my daughter very bad. Every time a child on a tv screen or anything it has to be turned off because triggers thousands of images and flashbacks. Do not cry not for many many years but brings it down to that point then DID steps in and turns sadness into rage to help survival but then has to be stopped because rage is unacceptable and turned back into numbness. There is so much but I don't know if I am making any sense or conveying the feeling behind it. sorry
