Abuse and dissociation

[Pauline]

Hey guys I just wanted to send a post I have been really badly struggling with my dissociation episodes and I feel like ever since I lost my memory at sixteen I can't look back on my past with clarity none of the pieces seem to add up it's like a messsd up jigsaw puzzle

when I lost my memory after my three hour panic attack I developed a childlike voice which I still have today, I've talked about it before on here how I was like my cuddly toys and how I feel like I am four years old in my body... but I am noticing this dissociation and distress only happens around family members my immediate family it is very disturbing and distressing for me when I come out of my states but even though I sort of have a memory of them I lose time and who I am

I call it younger self versus older self I literally feel four years old either if I am back to my adult states I want to self harm instead I still feel terrified of my dad but I have only vague memories of abuse it is coming up in my dreams but I can't really go accusing people that I don't have evidence with it's annoying that I don't have solid memories because

they are still involved in my life I don't know how to stop depending on them and feeling needy my dissociation doesn't help with this I say things like

I wish I was four years old or I am and feel four years old I completely loose myself in this I don't know how to anchor it or control it I know my eyes are full of fear because see it when I stare in the mirror sometimes I am having my psychiatrist appointment

tomorrow I trust him with a lot but I'm scared to bring up this subject I have talked about literally everything even my worries about my father's abuse it's also weird because when I tell my mum that I feel four years she says just keep it within the family but yet I'm getting help she says just talk to family about it and don't mention it to anyone else.

I just really want to be healed I have had this issue since I was 16 and it's not good for me physically because I have a heart problem I know something clearly happened when I was younger I am just frustrated because I cannot find an anchor for my dissociation and I am really dependent on my family for money and sometimes even my wellbeing I keep going back even though I know something is wrong

I am seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow and my parents are the ones paying him it's just like a vicious cycle and I am despairing of ever being freed of getting fully better

 

[grit]

Sounds like you are really in a bind. Does your therapist know your thoughts and can assist you in some ways? I feel for you. It just sounds so awful. I am sorry you are going through this.

 

[Spacefish]

Pauline how did you get on? Did you talk to your Psychiatrist about it?

I have PTSD and quite bad dissociation - grounding techniques only help a little, otherwise it is time. I spent months with a bad therapist getting more and more traumatised, I was just about begging her to help me find that anchor like you were talking about, I had no idea what it was I needed but it was terrible, and I felt very alone and powerless. I hope you're OK!

In the end I sacked her and I've had to "box" everything away while I get my strength back, I hope one day I can learn another way of being.

 

[Pauline]

Thank you for checking up on me if a bad therapist is bad then get rid of them it is not good to stick around for no reason I totally get the whole feeling powerless thing I feel like i haven't gotten better even since going through my therapists etc being alone i totally get that i gave up on my doctors etc just couldn't be bothered still dont know if I can i don't know why i am still trying!

My psychatrist is really good and I trust him a lot, my dissociation happened after my memory loss (child regression, feeling like four years old) he is good and patient with me, he is focusing on the present i just wanted an answer to my memory loss trauma I have a rare heart condition but I just know that's not the whole reason why I lost my memory. i strongly believe that i lost my memory as a protection from the abuse I suffered but I don't really know anymore because I can't bring myself to talk to him about the topic i also don't have any details.

I am not getting any better from my memory loss trauma i just wanted it all to be for nothing i know something happened, I guess meangingless traumatic stuff happens to people and sadly that is just the life we live in there is nothing good that can come out of anything bad. I mean I am not getting any better none of my trauma is being resolved because of so many blockages.

i guess i could keep asking why I was born with a heart condition and not any of my other siblings but what good will that do, to be honest I will probably never be relived from my memory loss trauma abuse and I am too terrfied to ask him i don't know how to approach the subject matter I keep talking about my cutting, dissociation, family problems, life in general problems, depression, medical I guess just bad things are supposed to happen to me ...

sorry I am on a bit of a banter I am just so fed up of trying and nothing good coming out of bad situations and not learning from bad situations I am a person who likes to grow from things and learn and I just haven't learnt from this.

Thanks for checking up on me it actually means a lot :)

 

[Sideways]

I mean I am not getting any better none of my trauma is being resolved because of so many blockages.

I totally understand needing to know what happened. I totally understand “I’ve been dealing with this sooo long and I need to start getting better...”.

But it honestly sounds like your living situation is still distressing. And as frustrating as it is, it’s not entirely safe to start poking at old trauma until we’re safe and stable.

Can you ask your psychiatrist for a referral to anyone, including local support centres, that may be able to help you with the practical stuff? Like your economic independence and perhaps moving to a home that’s going to feel safer?

It seems completely counter-intuitive, but the memory stuff doesn’t resolve the distress. We have to reduce our distress levels and stabilise before we can process our trauma. Your brain is very likely to persist with protecting you from your memory as long as your brain considers your situation isn’t safe, and your psychiatrist isn’t likely to poke at your memories until you’re more stable.

Your p-doc should have some strategies you can work on to stabilise your distress levels, your dissociation, and your SH urges (like a DBT course - worth it’s weight in golf!). They may also know of resources you can call on to help you with the practical stuff:)

 

[Pauline]

I agree on this but unless I runaway which I mean is a big risk because I have a heart problem also I still have siblings and my dad is still in my life I don't know how to get away if I blame someone for something I have no solid memories based off then that's not a good thing either I don't really know how to ask my therapist for help any more i have a flat but my parents continue paying its like there my family how do you leave your family and start all over

 

[Sideways]

how do you leave your family and start all over

You ask for help. There are likely to be services in your area that know how to make these things happen - they aren’t things that you’re necessarily expected to know how to do them, or be able to pull them off alone

 

[Spacefish]

I agree whole heartedly with Sideways. Stabilisation (and safety) in our day to day life comes before everything. My ex-T took me into trauma, my whole life has been enmeshed in trauma both actual and via PTSD ... getting stuck and lost in it was the wrong thing to do. So I've boxed it all away as best as I can, and I start with a new T this week - scared as hell.

If you are not feeling safe/secure in your home, if your circumstances are impacting on your safety/stabilisation, then you should strongly consider finding some way to resolve that. Ask for some help to do that, because when we're stressed or distressed our decision making skills aren't always the best. You need some support, and it is OK to ask for that.