Abuse From A Friend With Ptsd

[Iditarod]

Ok, I didn't know how it works with the VIP thing, apology accepted.

@Justmehere : Thank you so much for your very wise words, that really helps me.

The situation with that job was running down anyway. It was a part time on-call job, and they were severely disorganized to the point that it made it hard for me to do my job - such as be a the right place at the right time. Also, I worked the night shift, and they would not give me a schedule. I was used to getting a schedule way in advance with the previous job, and that allowed me to prepare so I didn't have to do any cooking during the show I was working. But they would call me up at say 5 or 6 pm and ask me to work graveyard shift, without having gotten much sleep. So then I switched to swing shift, and suddenly things were much less laid back. It just wasn't workable. So it wasn't just the lie, the lie was just the icing on the cake.

I do have a very long term relationship with my s/o, which is a very good thing for me, but I don't know so much about trying to have any close friendships with other women any more. It's ok, I want to have more time to work on spiritual stuff and etc., anyway.
I have female acquaintances, and I think I happy with that level of involvement.

I have more to say, making soup, be back.....

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Digger1, I have to say I'm shocked that you're a VIP premium member,

Ok, I didn't know how it works with the VIP thing, apology accepted.

Now that we have said our apologies lets please remain respectful. Iditarod you are new here and so I will say I (and the staff) don't have much tolerance for nonsense. Not saying that is to that point, it is something to keep in mind.

'VIP member' is based purely on the number of the posts the member has. Premium membership means the member has paid for the separate premium membership, which goes to support the forum as it is run on donations.

 

[Ghostybear73]

I just don't understand why you put up with her "abuse" towards you all this time and then decide that when her significant other kills himself, last week I might add, that you decide to cut ties.

I'm not saying anything you did is right or wrong because everyone has their own perception. She has cut you off, you have cut her off, and so on. It sounds like something should have been taken care of well before this.

With all that said, you asked, "did I do the right thing?" I don't think you should ask opinions of others if you are not interested in the opinions that are not of your liking.

Yes, it is true that one incident can cause PTSD, but one of the criteria is that the incident has caused symtoms for over a month, until then, it would be ACD or acute stress disorder. Of course, to self diagnose you or someone else is extremely dangerous! Until diagnosed, she has suffered a major loss and is grieving. People do lash out when they are grieving and Kudos to you that you do not.

Again, since you specifically asked I will maintain my statement that yes, in my opinion, you were wrong. You picked an inopportune moment to cut ties with her.

Please don't bother defending YOUR position as you asked what MY opinion was when you got on this forum and posted.

 

[digger]

You know, I quit my last job because I was lied to by a supervisor. It was a very small and unimportant lie, but it made me feel like I was imploding. Have any of you ever experienced that? It was a small lie, but it came on top of other weird treatment like her wanting to teach me how to use my subconscious mind to take an instant inventory of a large showroom. This is similar to that situation.

It's not the same though. The two situations elicited a similar reaction in you, but they are very different.

Can I give you an example. Something that triggers me badly is having anything over my mouth due to childhood trauma. I was assaulted in college. The guy put his hand over my mouth. It freaked me out more than anything else. I had to have a gastroscopy. They strap something over your mouth so they can get the tube down. It freaked me out more than anything else.

Both situations elicited similar reactions in me. In both situations I felt the same fear and terror from having something over my mouth. And in the moment it was very hard to rationalise that one situation deserved that reaction and one didn't.

I know this is not the same as your situation, and I've used an extreme example, what I'm trying to demonstrate to you though is that different situations can trigger similar feelings in us. It's important to isolate and judge each situation carefully.

If you had written what you did and your friend hadn't so very recently experienced such an awful trauma, then I would probably have more sympathy for you. But I really think you need to look at this part of it. Her recent behaviour may have triggered unpleasant feelings for you, similar to feelings that have been triggered at other times, but sometimes we really do have to learn to take responsibility for how we respond when we are triggered.

 

[Barberian]

I've read the replies to the OP about half way down to this post. She doesn't sound like a friend to me.

I'm a bit less tolerant than most people... ok, maybe a lot less tolerant.

Definition:
Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people.

Doesn't sound, from your description she has any affection for you. She has treated you with contempt and disrespect before, she has done it again this time, and will probably do it in the future if you keep allowing her to be in your life.

You have certain needs - the need to not be triggered by someone who doesn't care how their actions will affect you, nor how badly you suffer because of them. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the idea.

Is this person irreplaceable to you? Can you go on with your life without her "friendship"? My useless opinion is to stop wasting your time hoping she will learn to appreciate your friendship and find someone else who will. To find someone who will respect your boundaries, your triggers, your feelings, your needs.

As a general rule I give people two chances on the major stuff. I explain why the issue in question is important to me each time. Second time I just cut them out of my life after a quick reminder they crossed the line... again.

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, your not getting a third chance.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

and I've used an extreme example

But that's just it, PTSD is extreme, the smaller trauma's that can lead to PTSD are still extreme - like psychological torture, acts of controlled violence that don't cause serious damage, being bullied - like being told you are so worthless you should kill yourself to do everyone else a favour, or constantly being sexually objectified at a very young age without necessarily being explicitly touched or raped etc, etc.

@Iditarod, maybe you could clear things up a bit, I think we're all getting confused about who has PTSD and why, I understand it that both you and your friend have PTSD, have you both been diagnosed as such by a professional? Does your friend have PTSD from a prior trauma or are you labelling her reactions to the suicide of her partner as PTSD? Not all trauma = PTSD, plenty of people have anxiety disorders, stress disorders, phobias, compulsions and other very unpleasant things from less extreme (but also often of extreme) trauma's and don't have PTSD and many people have them as well as too. It's important to remember that less people have PTSD than do for nearly every form of trauma, the highest occurrence is in abused children where 1 in 2 will develop PTSD.

 

[digger]

the smaller trauma's that can lead to PTSD are still extreme .

I know that. This is not what I was referring to when I used the word extreme.

I meant extreme as in the two events that I was using in my example were at either end of a pole. My intense fear reaction in the first instance would clearly be justified, in the second not.

I was not comparing anyone's traumatic history in terms of extremeness at all. Just the events I was using to try and explain what I meant being poles apart from each other. A lot of the time the line is more blurred.

 

[Iditarod]

Digger1, when you had your intense fear reaction at the gastroscopy, did you feel like you could "take responsibility"
and control it?

Barberin, thank you, I'm with you on that.

Kas_kan_fly, I've been diagnosed since the first time I posted here, She is not official. She's been rushed to a PTSD specialsit because she actually saw the body and etc. She does already has anxiety issues that she's taking meds for - I just found that out after the suicide. She didn't say what kind of anxiety. So she might end up with PTSD, and I should have worded the thread title better.

 

[digger]

Digger1, when you had your intense fear reaction at the gastroscopy, did you feel like you could "take responsibility"
and control it?

No, but I know that it wasn't the 'right' or appropriate response to that situation, which is the point I was trying to make.

 

[Iditarod]

What I think is really great about what you did is that you realized you were over your limit and your held a boundary to not allow more hurtful behavior into your life. I think most people, PTSD or not, want our friends to stick with us in our times of need. Or at least to not have the worst times in our lives be the times our friends leave. I'm sure you can understand that. But, I don't think it would have been good for you to stay in the friendship right now either.

I know it's not a simple matter, and thank you for your encouragement :).

I also would say that it would have been much better to just tell her that you are over your limit and can't be in relationship right now, because you are getting triggered. She probably would have been able to hear you a lot better. Going back over a history of problems or even talking about her behavior that is a problem right now - this is just not the time. She is not going to hear it. She is DROWNING in grief. I know you want her to hear you... but right now is not the time to have tried to communicate all of that.

Well, thank you, but it's too late to change it now. I was thinking more in terms of, this is the end, this is what I have to say at the end. So since she did not hear it, I have to live with that. And it's ok too, because the important thing (for me) is, I can now live without that unacceptable treatment.

These are just my thoughts... for whatever it is worth... which is not much! I'm so sorry she is being this way, and I'm so sorry you are losing a friend.

Thank you, and so am I.

 

[Iditarod]

No, but I know that it wasn't the 'right' or appropriate response to that situation, which is the point I was trying to make.

I wonder if it's really good to put labels like that on your experience at the gastroscopy. I'm not sure your own therapist ( if you have one) would take that approach either.

 

[digger]

I used the word 'right' because it's the word you used in your original post. You asked if we thought you did the right thing.

I think my therapist would be fine with me examining whether fear was an appropriate reaction to have in that situation. In fact I think she would be quite pleased that I could recognise that it wasn't, so long as I wasn't beating myself up over it.