Abuse From My Son

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee OMG, if I could I would like your post 1000 times. As I sit here with tears running down my face, know that I have said the same things to myself over and over again. I know my daughter well enough to know that she will blame me for the rest of my life and hers. She has never taken responsibility for anything ever in her life, and I doubt that she ever will. She also is a habitual and a pathological liar, which she has admitted to. She lies, she says, because it's easier than telling the truth.

Well, that's the other reason I can not be around her. Liars trigger the hell out of me. It's one of my bigger tiggers.. So for my own sanity I stay away....

Keep moving forward with your healing. Place as many boundaries as you need and try to stick to them. Boundaries are not a form of punishment for the other person, they are to PROTECT US!!!!! I can't say that enough!!!!!

 

[sedna]

My kids are young adults, I haven't accepted that they've ' turned out ' any particular way yet

. I feel like they're still in the oven letting they're characters bake.

I'm hungry so I'm going to describe them with food analogies.

One of them looks like a souffle that has collapsed. Instead of giving up, I keep reading books on how to rescue a souffle by famous chefs.
I approach him with new 'tools' from these books and he looks even more collapsed afterwards, so I buy him things and never ask him to do anything hard.

The other one looks like a sheet of cookies that has run together and made one giant cookie that he thinks is great. Except its not practical and wont look good later.
I wish he'd stop taking up the entire space everywhere with his joy at being amazing, because it makes me fear he'll be a narcissist someday.

The adopted one looks like a perfect cake, but I know that the ingredients involved in creating the appearance of perfection, gives heartburn and stomach aches.

I'm trying to figure out how to substitute those ingredients with something milder, so his perfect qualities dont have a hidden negative. Thats both for his sake and others he deals with in the future.

I'm going to eat lunch now. But this seemed like a pretty good way to describe what Im dealing with.

 

[ladee]

@gizmo, my heart is broken for you. I already had immense respect for you but this raises the bar. I can not imagine what this been for you. I know awhile back you posted about accepting that something In your life, you had finally accepted it wasn't your fault. I hope this is what you were refering to. And here you are, sharing with us. Huge respect for you to endure every mothers worst nightmare. Lots of hugs and respect to you. Very grateful you are in my life!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you so much @ladee yes that is what I was referring to as I was so tormented and haunted by false guilt over my sons death. I am just so relieved that he did not take anyone down with him. I still love him, he was my son. I think he is finally at peace within himself now and will not go from bad to worse anymore. I also have high regard for you as well. Again thank you so much for putting up this thread.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[ladee]

@shimmerz, what a load to carry. Times three. I can barely do one so can not imagine how conflicted you must be.
Yes we contributed to thier view of the world. But none of our kids were raised in a vacuum. And it will always come down to being responsible for choices made.
Dont take on their turmoil. Doesn't help them or us.
And I too hope this thread becomes a place of safety for us.
Sending you lots of hugs. Hope we have shared some things here that will help you. Lots of love shimmy!

 

[ladee]

@coco9 , what great anologies for your kids. I hope we keep going with this thread so we can support PTSD mamas who need to be told by peers, that at some point it is up to our kids to see us as the role models we are today and not just their memories of us.
Guess it amazes me that the ones going before us contributed to our being sick and the ones behind us try to keep us sick.
Guess its up to us PTSD mamas to celebrate with and for each other.
Much love and respect for all of us!

 

[mamachick]

My 2 daughters had a father who helped her to manipulate every situation. He taught his daughters how to treat me. Even my first husband who beat the hell out of me did not play the mind games that Mr. Calm played with my daughters. It has harmed them greatly. It was not until separation that my daughter turned into Ms. Hyde. I wanted nothing more from life than to change the family cycle, and they were sure that that would not happen. That I have to find the path to move forward on. I am also done with this. I am just still very heartbroken. It does not help living in a small community where everyone has no life outside their family, and adult family. I am constantly reminded, even in subtle ways like having her mail sent here.

You all are motivating me to make that change. There are actually groups for estranged parents these days.

 

[ladee]

@brat17 , I am sad that your heart is so heavy. It does change it does get better. We learn to manage this part of our lives too.
And that us sharing our experiences and victories is helping you. I totally understand being broken hearted. And that starts to heal too. We are here for you. Use this thread to share and get support. That is what it's here for. Lots of hugs to you sister-friend.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@brat17 you have my heart melting for you. I too wanted so much for my kids. I was so determined to not be like my abusive parents, and it did not have the good results I had hoped for like you.

Keep on coming back here to vent or cry or whatever you need. You surely are not alone. I think that this so hard to face and deal with as I know that you love your kids so very much.

But do not give up, maybe you might end up being estranged but it is not in cement anything could happen for the good.

You are a truly wonderful person and it is so good to know you. Many hugs of support.

 

[mamachick]

gizmo and laded-thank you both. Your kind words are more than you know. I did the whole Adult Children of Alcoholic stuff before my last 2 daughters. I changed so much as a result. My kids really had a great mom. They were finishing their sophomore and senior yrs of high school when I was knocked unconscious from a fall. A month later, the senior had graduated, got a surprise big scholarship at graduation, and was 18 and wanted no rules, said "F>>> You, I am not putting up with a mother who is sick and needs her sleep at night so I have to be home" and abruptly moved out. Then her absent father took her to freshman orientation. She moved back in before going away to college, but everything always had to be on her terms or she would sick her father on me, who threatened financial abuse constantly, and to leave me and the younger sister homeless. I hardened from this. I became less stability for both of them. She is a pathological liar, just like her father. I am a huge truth seeker and too damn honest for my own good. Anyway, after 7 yrs I totally lost it and called her some ugly names. I think she might be alcoholic but never into drugs. I think she minimized her drinking.

I only wanted them to have a chance at happiness, didn't care what they did in most respects. Wanted them to see a healthy relationship but obviously that did not happen. They both had a lot of opportunities and any teacher or other parent knew they were so well cared for in a healthy way. They were raised better than this. The younger one married the 1st boy that paid attention to her, a mormon who brainwashed her and is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. He moved her 3000 miles away. The older one was abusive to the younger as well, and the younger has a learning disability (auditory processing disability) so is smart but lacks social skills.

I am sorry I am pouring out here. It is all so sad and I am still raw after all these years. I actually get chest pain talking about it. I am certain I will die of a broken heart one day. I believe that exists.

Thank you for starting this thread, and thank you for supporting others. I sure don't mean to deter from original post. I think there are so many moms out there suffering from these situations. I know God must have another plan for us, its not mother of the year here. Its not even being present in their lives. I may be a cry baby when it comes to this but I will tell you this, this is something we just can't talk about with many, and opening up is amazing, while I don't want others to have the same issues or anything near, I sure can't tell my friends this who are planning their daughters wedding or babysitting grand children. I don't want others to pity me. We will all get stronger through this. Thank you so much.

 

[ladee]

@brat17 , you are sharing your pain and coonflict. That is what I and others are hoping happens here. We are all on topic so share whatever and whenever you need to. This is our thread , not Just my thread.
Other moms are going to share and we all learn from each other. We need to support each other. We understand each other and understand the complicated struggle we face .
Thank you for sharing. So many of us have allowed our self to be abused and target's for our kids issues.
We need to know others are dealing with this also. So we can support and help each other. Glad you are here. With us

 

[sedna]

@brat17 I really hope you find a way to get physically out of that house and that town. You deserve to be free and meet new people that only see the real you, and not whats filtered through small town gossip and stories.

I think over time, if you did what was good for yourself, there's hope that eventually one or both of your girls would discover a new found respect for you.
You'd be someone that doesnt fit the idea of who their father says you are, and who they believe you are from the history. Eventually they'd get curious about the side of you they didnt know existed.

If they've decided that you're not worth treating well, and they blame you for everything, you can't change that while you're still in the same role in the same place.
You arent giving them a reason to feel differently. Thats not your fault, its because they lack maturity and empathy. Normal adult women would want to hear you, even if they didnt agree with you and had mixed feelings, they wouldnt feel good about shutting you out or being abusive.

They need to see that you can walk away, that they're not allowed to write the story and your character to serve themselves at your expense.

There's a psychology aspect that may be going on here, I know you're familiar with basic psychology from other posts. Obviously your girls arent adept at self reflection, so it would be unconscious reactivity.

It's possible that because the father portrays you as inferior and damaged, that they, especially the lying one, feel like if they are sympathetic to you and have a relationship with you, then they'll be inferior also.

Because they're afraid of that, they are maybe thinking taking his side and being ruthless protects them from being vulnerable as women in general.

If thats the case, then changing everything and leaving would change that dynamic also. It would be gradual, but I wouldnt be surprised if it did change then.

The problem is getting through the drama of making the change. That would take a lot of inner resolve and courage, if you decide to do something like that make sure you plot and plan to get your ducks in a row as best you can first.

This whole thread is making me so sad. I'm glad its here though, I would have given anything to have a mom that cared as much as any of you, I tried so hard with mine, and each time she used me for whatever she could get out of it, I have never once heard that woman say the word sorry to anyone. I'm so grateful that so far my kids seem to know that my love for them means something important, and the issues they have with me arent changing that. So far anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

@gizmo I cant even imagine losing a child like that. I'm sorry you had to go through that kind of pain, the alcoholism must have felt like he was gone before he actually died. You sound like you're in a good place of acceptance now, I hope you know it wasnt your fault that he was so self destructive. :hug:
I hope the hug was okay. Those stupid smiling faces dont look right, I wish I could give you a real hug.