Abuse From My Son

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you @coco9 for what you said about my son being gone before he died because that is true and i never thought about that before so you comforted me and I am grateful. Hugs are welcome no worries.:hug:

 

[mamachick]

@Coco-Yes I need to find a way out of here. It is not so much the small town gossip as I just feel tension here, in this house, in this city. While making the changes may change my kids, I don't want to do it for that reason, I need to do it for myself. I have made too many decisions on what is best for them, they are grown, I need to learn how to do what is best for me now.

Staying married to this passive aggressive man has taken the last wind out of my sail. When he wasn't around and I didn't hear from him, his invisible state, he always knew that trapping me in this house , I would eventually have to make contact. The furnace would break down, a plumbing problem, something that I can't physically fix or financially pay for. PA's are extremely difficult to communicate with, there is no honesty, and the other person often feels broken until they make that break, and that may be my choice to remain estranged from kids if I ever became strong again. I can see myself not wanting to reunite...For what purpose? One daughter plays the same cards as her father. The other is kind of helpless in her own right.

Actually the father often portrays me on a pedestal in some ways. One daughter has repeated stated that her father plans with her are around me, when he would pick her up, he would invite me to dinner, or he would come to see her but catch me in the house and draw me into conversation and ignore her. I think that is where much of her anger comes from. I really had a great life and she hated that fact. It is so complicated that I don't even want to sort it out anymore, I just want change....to leave here and not give out my new phone number...and not to punish anyone either...I am just close to being done with them all.

gizmo, I apologize (I feel so drained tonight) that I meant to address your situation with your son and was thinking the same as coco posted. Seeing our children in that kind of state is one of the worst experiences I can think of, and feelings of powerlessness are so strong. We can not force them to change. You are so very strong.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@brat17 no worries about not being able to respond, I so understand and do think you so much for your kind support. I think that planning to disconect is so very wise for you although it will tear at your mothers heart so. You do deserve better than what you have been put through in my opinion. Thinking of you planning your escape. I wish you the very best in your good plans for yourself.:hug:

 

[mamachick]

Its already ripped my heart. I think I am finally ready to move ahead. If I were working even part time and felt like I had a purpose, I am sure life would be much better. I had a good life before the attacks, so somewhere in here I must be capable of something. Just need to loose the sadness. Making one change can start a chain of changes and I do know that. There is another me inside this empty shell.

I think of what you have been through with your son and just feel your strength and hope for the future. Keep following that rainbow!

 

[Deleted member 541]

For everyone that has posted in this thread... Thank you, and mostly I'm so sorry that all of us are going through or have gone through this.

@gizmo I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have visions that the knock will one day come and the person on the other side of the door will be telling me that my daughter has died from a drug overdose. It's something that I live with everyday and I know that I can not change it...

Hugs to all if excepted.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[ladee]

My son is an alcoholic. He started having alcohol related seizures. He has broken his shoulder. Had a seizure while driving and had a life threatning car wreck. He was in surgery for over 5 hours to save his leg. He also had a broken arm. Cracked shoulder blade and spinal injury. His rehab has been hard and lengthy, due to the fact he did not stop drinking
When I saw the Hiway Patrol drive up, I knew he was here for me. The hospital was over anhour away. I do not remember any of that drive. He was still in surgery when I got there.
Thank God there was hardly any traffic and no one else was hurt or killed.
He swerved across the other lanen hit a culvert and the truck flipped over into a deep ditch. HP did not know how long he had been there before someone found him.
He did not stop drinking. I don't know if he is drinking now because one of our longest no contacts was because of him being unbearable to be around. He does not contact me now when he is drinking so if I don't hear from him for awhile, that is what he doing.
I do not contact him. I would only be met with lies.
I am a recovering alcolic with 36 years sober. So I have also set an example to get and stay sober.
I was trying to stay clean and battling PTSD. I am no one special, just a woman trying to get her life together. And I can't begin to imagine how hard and confusing that was for him.
But, here comes the 'but', he is accountable for his choices as a young adult and now grown man. I had plenty to feel guilty about. And I did. For many years. He could never hurt me As bad as I hurt myself.
But the harder I fought to get well the more angry he got. I did not hear from him for 8 yrs.I almost lost my mind. Not knowing if he was dead or alive.
A part of me understood that he needed to get away from me. Did not keep me from worrying.
We reconnected when he was going to be a father. Nothing changed except for me. I had changed during that 8 yrs.
Somewhere during that no contact, I understood on a very deep level that I had to forgive myself for not being June Cleaver. That if I didn't, and he was dead I would not make it thru.
My own FOO did horrendous damage to me. That is why I am on this forum..
But he has seen me knocked down by life many times and I got back up. I really feel he resents that part of me.
And just thru this thread I realize he is the only family I have. So a new awareness on why I keep hope alive and keep trying. Very selfish of me really. I don't want to be completely alone.
But awareness changes everything.
I better get some mega payoffs for all this damned work:laugh:

 

[Silver.]

You are someone special, to so many of us on here. No matter who you were in your past, I see the now and I am happy to call her sister *love and hugs*

 

[ladee]

Oh my ! Thank you from my heart!! @Silver. Thank you for caring about the person I have worked so hard to become. Thank you for letting my past be the past. I will always be an alcolic, not drinking.I Will always have PTSD. But neither of those labels rule my heart. If I can only give one thing to all of you who mean so much to me, it's never give up..... Don't quit five minutes before the miracle happens. We DO get better. We are so worth the work. Things do change. Blood sweat and years. But we do that anyway when we are so sick.might as well try to make it have some meaning.
Thank you from my heart for honoring what it took to get here. Lots of gentle hugs for your fragile body and for your strong heart.

 

[corvidae]

liking in support @ladee
so much strength i see...

 

[ladee]

Thank you @corvidae . your support means A lot to me. And thank you as seeing me strong. Somewhere along this journey I have accepted my humaness and do not see setbacks or being exhausted as failure. Its just life.
Thank you from my heart And we will both be getting rocks soon! Lets nag her so she doesn't forget:angelic:

 

[sedna]

@ladee I'm so sorry you have had all of that go on. I wonder sometimes if one of mine will have a serious substance problem, this generation thinks pot is harmless. They say that watching me drink chaotically for years has put them off alcohol. I can picture one of my sons spending his life high if he doesnt stop blaming his difficult early childhood for all of his shortcomings.

I've seen the sort of thing you're describing with some people in my life. In their situation it's like the adult child wants to act out his issues from the past, but thinks they cant because youre not that person anymore. My old high school friend has a 27 year old daughter that hates her mom for sobering up when she was 20.

I get from my kids the attitude that I dont have a right to tell them not to do something they've seen me do a hundred times. I've noticed that when I explain why its different, that the self righteous defiance kind of melts away into the sad and scared little broken hearts they have underneath. One has been able to verbally express that when I sound so rational and understanding about things like that, it makes it worse. They want to know why I couldnt be that way when they were younger and scared, it feels like one more insensitive and mean thing to do to them when I show I'm capable of it, when it matters so much less now.

The timing is off, when you dont do it in time to mother them well, then show you can do it later, they cant beat you or join you over self destruction.
You're not the person that hurt them anymore, but you're not going to party with them either. If they're not wanting to be responsible , then they cant embrace that very well.

I'm not sure if I worded any of that right, I might not of said what I was trying to very well. That dreaded highway patrol man at the door, bless your heart for handling that plus hours before you knew anything.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I too am a recovering alcoholic, with 17 yrs sober. Actually I stopped drink 32 yrs ago, and had a slip up for a few months 17 yrs ago, but I'm sober and have been for the past 17 yrs. Yes, my daughter saw me drunk. She saw me try to commit suicide too. Nope I wasn't June Cleaver either, far from it, and I too have had my share of guilt and guilt trips.

I know the damage that my daughter must have gone through too. But like @ladee i changed and my daughter has not.

When we change, the people around us DIN'T like it. They don't know what to expect, they want back the old unhealthy person, because they know that person so well and how to manipulate, how to push our buttons, and how to guilt us into things. So, change is difficult to follow through with because not only is it hard for us, but then we have all the other people we know that are really trying to screw with our heads and make us stop.

So for those of us that have changed....... Give yourselves a pat on the back, because I know how hard that road was....