Abuse From My Son

[Deleted member 12723]

@ladee :hug::hug::hug: @brat17 and @She Cat thank you so much for what :hug::hug::hug:you said to me, it means so much

 

[loner mcdonald]

i have a son 33yrs with 3 kids .kids do not live with him. drug dealing and running is all he cares about done 2yrs in prison. i thought that would improve his life. that was a never happened made him worse of a person. blames me his dad for who and what he is.steals from me his sister and brother always working every body over for some thing. this son has stolen my money,pain pills and even swapped my pain pills for other pills. stolen all my guns his brother and sisters guns. its been really bad. his mom just keeps given to him makes excuses for his actions and blames me for how and why our son does all this. my ass is all f*cked up. ptsd real bad.refuse to take care of his kids. all this has split our family right down the middle. i have lived a very crazy life. been in bike club been all shot to hell in back drugs ,violence,you name it. i stopped living like a animal 10yrs ago and changed my whole way of life. so-called wife gives keys to the other kids car hands them over to this problem son that was in the past. my other 2 kids all adults now on there own feel completely betrayed by there mom because of her roll in all this. my so-called wife has given this man her car to drive her cell phone and half the time the bank card. always this man over drawling the bank acct. no shit. we get behind in house payment and every thing else. this shit is so f*cking crazy. both of these people feel they have done nothing wrong. for some reason this son feels we all need to take care of him and his children. thats another sick ass story. dont no what to do my ass is disabled on a fixed income. at the end of the road for me thing all kinds of crazy shit. dark very dark. all this bull shit going on has taken a toll on my entire family. nice so-called wife and son. my s-called wife loved our life style and when it all changed so did she. been together since i was 17 and her 15. i have lived like a animal all my life except the past 10yrs. been with this person 45yrs now. you all out there take good care of yourself. dont be to hard on yourself. may god bless you all and your families. loner

 

[Silver.]

@ladee this is such a great thread you started, while it is heartbreaking at what these strong women have endured, it is wonderful to hear of their courage, their progress and insight. Thank you for creating a spot where people can feel safe to talk about what they have overcome in their lives and with their children x

 

[ladee]

@loner mcdonald , I relate to your story in regard to the biker life. I was not a 1percenter, but life was wild.
After the kids started getting older n I stopped all the craziness and the only bikers allowed around were just people who liked to ride.
Sorry your son has chosen this life. You turned it around hopefully the will too.
Thank you for sharing your story. We can help you with your PTSD. Please make use of the forum. We are glad you found us.

 

[mamachick]

I have a daughter who is now 40 yrs old. Her father and I divorced when she was 6. He was bi polar, addicted, abusive. I remarried when she was 10. It was difficult for her to share me, but when her 2 sisters came along, she hated them for taking my time. Her teen yrs were awful. She was eventually diagnosed as bi polar and BPD. I spent many nights awake and worrying. She had 2 kids with bf, then another with another guy. That baby died of SIDS in 2000. Parents were under investigation as drugs were in house. They did a lot of drugs, broke into a carry out and the bf shot a drug dealer one night. He went to prison, but before he went, she got pregnant again. That child is now 14. The others are 19 and 21. During my daughters teen years, I spent many much in counseling trying to figure out what I did wrong. She was like nobody in either of our families, eventually living on welfare and breaking laws and drugging. Even her father was a very hard worker. There is no answer. Our kids are wired how they are to some degree and we can't change that. It may have nothing to do with how they were even raised. Because of all the counseling I got, I had the benefit of examining and making changes in how I raised my next 2 daughters. I was very involved with ACOA/co-dependcy work. This daughter did witness abuse, saw poverty, had a working mother much of her life. She did not have all the opportunities my younger daughters had. She had a tough time by all accounts.

I was not close with the 1st 2 grandchildren because my own girls were 6 and 8 when they were born and I did not expose them to her lifestyle. Since the dad was in prison, I was there for the youngest ones birth and have been more present in her life. When she was about 7, I took custody for a couple yrs.

My 40 yr old daughter went to prison for being with others who mugged an old woman. The got life sentence, she got a yr and half and paroled the first time around, released in 2009, weeks after I was assaulted in my home. I refused to visit in jail. I got talked into visiting one time by a friend and regretted it horribly. Seeing my daughter in orange is a memory I will never forget. My repeated nightmares were about her being assaulted by guards while being a prisoner. She immediately hooked up with a guy she met at meetings and they have been together 7 yrs now. She got back on pills and eventually on drug program.

2 yrs ago her father died of pulmonary fibrosis. She asked him to tell her that he loved her before he died as he had never told her, but he refused. Since then, she got a job at a fast food chain, just got promoted to manager, and I believe she has been clean for awhile. Her drivers license suspended for fines (everything from dumping garbage in a dumpster to shoplifting) so she has no transportation but gets there somehow. Her rent jumped up and food stamps gone each time she makes a bit more. I am very happy that she is hanging in there right now and been working steadily for more than a year. Yet there is always a fear.....Fear of her relapsing...does it ever go away?

3 yrs ago she graduated from drug court and attended a ceremony that was mandatory. Her half sister, my other daughter (age 28 now,) also attended that ceremony, it was mandatory for her too, as she was working as an intern attorney and assisting the judge. This is an embarrassment to her. The 28 yr old would prefer for me to keep people like my oldest daughter out of our lives---I don't enable, but I can't turn my back either. I have been conned by the addict. I have to take precaution not to be. I love my daughter, I hate the addiction. Why do we have to chose between our children?

 

[ladee]

@coco9, I sat and cried when you said the timing was wrong. That's it for our kids. Its like it doesn't count because we were not there for them in the way they needed. Couldn't teach them compassion, we didn't know what that even was. Or we did and didn't teach it consistently.
But even with tears streaming down my face,and some self indulgent guilt, people do not get to negate my pain and my fight for a better life. I want to set my son down sometime and tell him of MY childhood. But I won't ever try to negate his pain either. Its not a contest as to whose was worse. I can't change my past or his. Damn this mama heart that can explode on impact

 

[ladee]

@brat17 , I could not choose one child over another. Many kudos for your daughter trying to get her life together. Afraid I would have to tell the embarrass daughter that success is measured not I'm degrees and money but how hard we have to work from the rubble of our life to rebuild.

 

[mamachick]

@brat17 ,
. Afraid I would have to tell the embarrass daughter that success is measured not I'm degrees and money but how hard we have to work from the rubble of our life to rebuild.

I have, thats part of reason we have no contact. I could not chose estrangement, she chose it.

 

[ladee]

I wanted to thank the moms recovering from substance abuse for sharing your story. Hard to say if we are twice blessed or twice cursed. Guess it depends on what day it is. I know each of you Will understand that statement.
By societies standards we are harshly judged. I think they feel we are getting what we deserve when our kids do the things we did. They have no idea.
I have sat in Alanon meetings with Soccer Moms that were so hurt and bewildered as to how they ended up in one of the chairs.
Like was shared here, some people are just wired different and their upbringing had nothing to do with it.
You all have no idea how grateful I am to the response to this thread. There are so many of us. Breaks my heart for us and our kids. Thank you all from my heart.

 

[ladee]

@brat17 , I am so sorry to know that. But you did the right thing. And they call us selfish. Is this the daughter that has her husbands gonads in her purse?
Its hard for us to see our kids making these choices, but sometimes it keeps a pile of hurt off of us. Just sorry to hear this. Sending you gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[mamachick]

I try to ignore the ignorant people who judge any addiction harshly. They clearly have not walked in others shoes. I guess it is difficult to understand what you have never experienced in yourself, but those who make judgements are just not in touch with their own dark side, and we all have a dark side, none of us perfect. I have abused alcohol and been able to stop, for whatever reason. I have many friends in recovery and they are some of the best people in the world. I have had chronic illness, which may be the body's way of protecting, just as some is substances. I have yet to meet a person with a lifetime of stress where it did not take some kind of toll on the body, mind, and spirit.

This is a great thread and one close to many hearts here I can see. Thank you all.

 

[sedna]

@coco9, I sat and cried when you said the timing was wrong. That's it for our kids. It...

I think thats exactly it @ladee, its not a fight to show who had it worse and is justified in their addictions or destructive habits.

That can be such a very difficult balancing act to maintain when trying to communicate that, it becomes sort of a tug of war by accident very quickly.

I've had some very scary times with mine, and some that weren't mine, I've taken a few extra in and still have one that I consider mine now. While that was very hard, its really just a sign of my crazy lifestyle and bad boundaries, not altruism. I was just never home, and did whatever made my kids happy. Happy kids dont turn to crime or get in fights, right?

I was no mother at all, I was just trying not to be crazy or sad, and get through the day without thinking about my past or looking too far down the road in the future- I thought it was likely I'd end up in homeless shelter if I lost my income at any time for a few years. That was my excuse to self indulge and decide I didnt need to be a real mom. I didnt have one, so I wasnt sure what I was supposed to be doing anyway. They looked happy enough, most of the time.

The thing I realized with my boys, is that they dont tell you when things have gone horribly wrong, or something happened, or someone beat them up, or they tried to kill themselves, until at least two years after it happened. Then they'd want me to be accountable and take responsibility for their pain.

I'm not allowed to say I didnt know what happened, or I would have fixed it. They'll tell me I should have known, and thats my real failure. They want to see that I dont dodge around that and deflect responsibility from being too traumatized, sick or overworked to see that they were not okay.

Whats been helpful for me is to very carefully word my descriptions of how I grew up, what happened with their father, and what the reality was. I tell them there were absolutely times that I could not have done better than I did, as awful as it was, I just didnt have it in me. I also tell them that there were times I could have done better, but was in the habit of feeling broken, so didnt even try. I'm sorry, they know I'm genuinely sorry.

But I wont let them talk when they're angry, they can be angry with me, but I've been almost killed by men in the past, its not okay for 6 ft tall kids to go at me in a rage. I've thrown them out because the anger directed at me and the size of them puts me in shock. They'd never touch me and I know that, its a horrendous trigger to have that scenario for me though. So they have to leave, then come back, my part of the deal is that I dont interrupt until they've finished whats important for them to say, even when I think its bullshit, then we try to compromise.

I always have in my mind that how we are working out differences, might be something they'll do with a partner someday. How I teach them to treat me, might be how the mother of my grandchildren are treated someday. I suppose thats the only kind of parenting I can do now, but I try when I can.

Some of the reason for the kids I took in, was manipulative on my part also, they had horrible home lives with hard drug addict parents, I looked like a f*cking Fairy Princess Mom to some of them. That was a deliberate manipulation of my boys, I was hoping they'd let those kids talk them into thinking I was great too, isnt that shitty? It turns out they knew what I was doing and I've had to apologize for that too.

I've seen the look in each of my childrens eyes, when they are gone. When you know that they dont belong to you anymore, and so far I've been blessed enough to see that look fade away eventually.

I know its different because mine are younger, they havent been missing from my life for years at a time, and I'm not comparing my situation to those that have children that have walked away. I'm only sharing that I've given my children a reason to walk away, and I know I cant control how they feel in the future, and I didnt mold how they felt when they were little.

It was hard for me to share all of this right here, I dont cry easily but I have mascara all over my face now. I wrote this comment because I tend to be sarcastic and make posts that are sometimes more obnoxious than honest sharing. What I've been reading here on this thread shows incredible courage from the people here.

All of our hearts have been broken, and we have broken all of the wrong hearts because of it.