- Post starter
- #61
ladee
VIP Member
@coco9, thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing. What hard things we are putting out here and taking the risk of being judged. Not by moms (or dads) who have walked in our shoes, but possibly by those who are battling and trying to heal behind their parents abuse.
I forgave all my abusers. All of them. The hardest one was the sperm donar. He had a completely selfish self centered life that had no purpose. My mom. That one was easy. I know she also had PTSD and it was unheard of back then. But I also saw her trying to make sense of her life with nothing available to help her.
I watched her try to figure out why she would fly into blind rages that we took the brunt of. I watched how hurt and confused she would be afterward.
I was the last of the litter and there is 10 yrs between me and my next sister. She did not want to have another kid!. Her other kids were 10, 12, and 15. Even as a kid some part of me understood. And I was the kids that gave her the most problems. I was able to make ammends to her before she died. I will cherish that forever.
I saw her trying. And that was priceless to me.
So I was a Crappy mom. Had no sense of self to work on. But my kid was never spanked because I was terrified of my own rage. But the verbal was worse. My son has said he would have rather I had been physical. Either way he would have felt fear and powerless.
But at the same time it wasn't all bad either. I have many memories of good times.
So along with all the things We did wrong, we did some things right. And we have to try and remember those times too.
This conversation we are all having is helping me to listen to my son differently. I am so used to feeling I have to protect myself with him, that since starting this conversation, am working on myself from a different angle.
Am I saying his part in this is voided? Absolutely not. And I can honestly say I am so weary of this. I do know I will continue to work on me. I owe myself and him that. But am doing the work for me.
If he benefits from it, great. If not, I am at least not creating more regrets for myself. His last two calls have been less tense but my boundries have not changed. And his part is subject to change in a heart beat.
I didn't know another way. Now I do. And if it comes down to it, I will not hesitate to go no contact. But it will be different this time. And that is part of what I am working on now.
I am so glad I shared this. I have received the gift of honesty, vulnerabily, experience and suggestions from all of you. From my heart I am forever grateful.
My hope is this thread stays active so we can Still support and listen to each other. It is about all the things We work on having PTSD But about a specific issue that spiderwebs into our whole lives.
Thanks to everyone who has shared. This is an issue that carries a lot of shame and guilt. Hopefully we can hold each other up just knowing we are not alone. Gentle hugs to all of you.
I forgave all my abusers. All of them. The hardest one was the sperm donar. He had a completely selfish self centered life that had no purpose. My mom. That one was easy. I know she also had PTSD and it was unheard of back then. But I also saw her trying to make sense of her life with nothing available to help her.
I watched her try to figure out why she would fly into blind rages that we took the brunt of. I watched how hurt and confused she would be afterward.
I was the last of the litter and there is 10 yrs between me and my next sister. She did not want to have another kid!. Her other kids were 10, 12, and 15. Even as a kid some part of me understood. And I was the kids that gave her the most problems. I was able to make ammends to her before she died. I will cherish that forever.
I saw her trying. And that was priceless to me.
So I was a Crappy mom. Had no sense of self to work on. But my kid was never spanked because I was terrified of my own rage. But the verbal was worse. My son has said he would have rather I had been physical. Either way he would have felt fear and powerless.
But at the same time it wasn't all bad either. I have many memories of good times.
So along with all the things We did wrong, we did some things right. And we have to try and remember those times too.
This conversation we are all having is helping me to listen to my son differently. I am so used to feeling I have to protect myself with him, that since starting this conversation, am working on myself from a different angle.
Am I saying his part in this is voided? Absolutely not. And I can honestly say I am so weary of this. I do know I will continue to work on me. I owe myself and him that. But am doing the work for me.
If he benefits from it, great. If not, I am at least not creating more regrets for myself. His last two calls have been less tense but my boundries have not changed. And his part is subject to change in a heart beat.
I didn't know another way. Now I do. And if it comes down to it, I will not hesitate to go no contact. But it will be different this time. And that is part of what I am working on now.
I am so glad I shared this. I have received the gift of honesty, vulnerabily, experience and suggestions from all of you. From my heart I am forever grateful.
My hope is this thread stays active so we can Still support and listen to each other. It is about all the things We work on having PTSD But about a specific issue that spiderwebs into our whole lives.
Thanks to everyone who has shared. This is an issue that carries a lot of shame and guilt. Hopefully we can hold each other up just knowing we are not alone. Gentle hugs to all of you.
