Abuse From My Son

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee if you ever do get your son to say, "Thanks mom for all you do,". PLEASE let me know how you did it. I haven't been the greatest mom, actually I may have been a real shitty mom. But, I've learned that I did the best that I could do with what I was given to work with, PTSD and the fact that growing up I had absolutely no parenting skills due to the fact that my mother was so f*cked up. And her mother too. Yrs and yrs of abuse handed down, generation another generation.

I did the best I could. I have learned to repeat that as often as needed. I was emotionally unavailable a lot for my daughter, and I know this now. But I did love her, and I gave her everything I possibly could have. I bailed her out of jams, lent her $$, GAVE her $$, helped her in anyway that I could. Babysitting, cleaning her house. Took time off of work to take care of her after she had surgery, cooked and cleaned. Listened to her bitch moan and groan about how hard her life was. I did the best that I could.

When she got out of jail, she had ZERO belongings. NOTHING! She didn't even have shoes.to wear and it was the middle of winter. I made sure that she had everything she needed. Because I had them arrested and they were in another state, her autistic son that was with them was placed in a mental institution, and he had NOTHING either. I made sure that he too had clothes, and I made sure that even though he would be there for Xmas, I made sure he had a XMAS.

Every weekend I drove 103 miles to where he was, visited for 2 hours and then drove 103 miles home. I did this for 5 months, until I got an attorney and brought the hospital to court. I wanted him out of there. I won, and he was released to me. For 3 months, I was with him 24/7. At 21 yrs old at the time he basically knew nothing. He could not take care of himself. I was bringing him to work with me everyday. But then he started masturbating EVERYWHERE and my daughter was too busy living in a homeless shelter, no job, to bother helping. I guess she was to busy?!?!?! I finally had enough and sent him to her. She turned him over to the state in less than 24 hours. During the 8 months that he was in adult foster care, she saw him 2 times. She was always too busy living in a homeless shelter with no job!?!?!

They are finally together again. I once again made sure that when they got an apartment that they at least had dishEs glasses, pots and pans, towels, bedding ect ect. Even though she calls me "The Piece of shit". This was AFTER I stopped talking to her.

So yes, I have done the best that I could, with what I was given to work with. A mantra that a few of us need to start repeating daily.

I know that I contributed to my daughters behavior of today. She just needs to figure out what and when she needed to start taking her own responsibility in all of this...

 

[Thizette]

But here is the conflict. My youngest son is hurt.... hurt, hurt, hurt, that I have chosen to live so far away. I am doing that for my own protection.

I may have missed it in reading your post--is your youngest as mean as the rest? Is there a way to compromise? I can relate to what you've said about your ex--my dad and his wife are that way. She even tried to make my little brother call her Mom. Our mom is still living. They got married on her birthday. They're awful and manipulative and people think they're charming. Stick to your truth.

What I meant about compromise--if you're not too far away, is it possible to plan a destination visit? My mom and I used to do this often. We'd pick a place in between where each of us lived and meet there for a day or two. We've had rough patches in our relationship, but doing this away from all of the family really helped us get to know each other better and appreciate each other. There's also, maybe, the option of flying your grandkids out to see you once in a while. If it's within your means, or perhaps even splitting the cost with your kids. I throw these out because ideas are what I do--if you reject them it won't hurt my feelings.

 

[shimmerz]

I may have missed it in reading your post--is your youngest as mean as the rest?

No, you didn't miss it. I wasn't clear in my posting. Thanks for asking for clarification.

Each of the kids are unbelievably rude when their father is around. Period. That, of course has been exacerbated due to 'family functions' now that the grandchildren have birthdays etc. I didn't get to touch my grandson last time I was at a family function. The ex's family took him everywhere that I wasn't. My youngest son said, 'well it is up to you to show everyone that you have just as much right to see your grandson as they do'.

Maybe I am wrong but my response was 'I am not going to make a scene and start chasing people around the house tugging my grandchildren out of someone's arms like they are chattel'.

My girlfriend, who went to one of these affairs, had to leave and literally cried - telling me not to go back in. That it was horrible what was happening. I did go back in. And she was right, it was horrendous what happened from there. I won't go into it.

Any time I see my ex he corners me and looks at me like he is going to pick me up by the throat and smash me against the wall. OMG the rage and hatred in his eyes. It is super creepy.

A compromise.... well, the abuse is systemic. I have been told by my youngest that he expects me to come to see him but then, in almost the same breath tells me that I am not allowed to have panic attacks while I am there. He doesn't want his children to think that they will 'catch' what I have. I think the word he won't say is 'crazy'. As far as meeting me somewhere? Nope. I have been told that he is too busy and that it is up to me to make sure this relationship works. But when I try to retreat he calls and calls.

I have been putting off writing this all day, because I just can't even describe what is happening, it sounds so nuts. I can't put it into words that make sense, but I am trying. The two kids that have the children and that do contact me do this push pull thing like crazy. As I mentioned, they get pissed if I ask for pictures, like passive aggressive pissed off.

I feel like I can't put my grandchildren through this. That for their sake I need to stay away from them. And that is exactly what the ex and his wife want.

Sorry, this post is all over the place. My apologies.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@shimmerz give yourself a huge pat on the back for not making a scene, and for not tugging at your grandchildren. For what it's worth, you were being the "normal" one and threre behavior was "crazy".

To invite you over and then tell you that you can't have an anxiety or panic attack?!?!?!?! Really, well how thoughtful of them. Sure, we can just switch them off like a light switch. Sure no problem! Very compassionate that one is.

I think that you need to do or make a decision that's BEST for YOU!!!! Not for your kids, or grandchildren, but for YOU. Taking care of us, is the first priority and if we don't have a healthy support system, then I think it's best to go it alone when it comes to this sort of thing. But that's a decision that you alone have to make. I know whatever the decision you make will be difficult.

Stay and be treated like a lepar, or stay away and be hurt. I know all too well what you are facing and the hurt that you feel....

 

[ladee]

It wasn't all over the place! Made perfect sense. That is so deliberately crazy making.
And first of All it takes all parties involved to make it work.
It is your sons responsibility to make you feel welcome and you don't have to prove anything to anyone.
I think I feel the worst for the youngest. He wants you involved but is scared about what he doesn't understand. Your PTSD. Plus years of his dads brainwashing.
I would have gone back in too. But I wouldn't go back.
I hope you know this isn't all on you Shimmy. It is crazy making and set up where you really have no voice or choice except to look like the crazy uncaring granny.
I got to hold my granddaughter for about 10 minutes before he took her from me and gave her to his wife's mother to hold. I left. It was a five hour ride home And I cried the whole way.
And I understand about not wantinh to write about this. The pain involved with our grandchildren is like being wrapped in barbed wire. No matter how we move, it hurts.
Since I am where you are with this, we will have to trudge this one together. And hear what others have to share. My granddaughter is old enough to make her own choices. And that hurts too.
So we are going to find our path with this. We are not going to let it make us into who they think we are.
Love ya Shimmy. Baby steps. That's all we can do. I am very sad for all of us moms that it seems this battle can't be won no matter what we do or dont do. But so damned proud that we are still standing and trying.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I'm so sorry that some of you here are hurting so badly. Hurting for the kids that have had to live through our PTSD, and now for the grandkids that our kids are afraid will "catch" what we had/have. PTSD doesn't just affect us, it destroys families too. It rips them apart.

PTSD the f*cking gift that just keeps on giving.

 

[Estelle Swartz]

I don't. Know what to tell you I myself suffer as you do. My birth family, especially my mother physically and mentally abused me. While my father and sibling watch on My used to be wonderful family of my own. Hated them for what they continued to do to me all my life. I was so very stupid to take care my father with cancer, when no one else would for six years. Then he died, then they abused me more, and were cruel. In my fifty's I finally had to disconnected from them. I wasn't going to take any more. They were making me sick. To my heartbreaking shock my two used to be wonderful daughter went against me and are with them. I now have severe PTSD. They keep on hurting me for 12 years now, not only with my birth family, but anything they can hurt me with. I have every systom you can have, I suffer everyday. I feel so alone . I been though every kind of therapy and nothing works . I don't know what to do anymore. They wont go for therapy, or care that I am sick. I can't. Stop loving them. Please talk to me if you want. Estelle

 

[ladee]

Guest Estelle, I am going to suggest that you join the Forum. As a member you Will have access to many threads, articles, and be able to read more about PTSD and get great support here.
You would be able to post what you wrote here and get a much wider audience and more specific replies. Hope to see you around and happy you found us.

 

[mamachick]

@Estelle, I hope you join the forum. I am so sorry for what you are going through. We sure can't pick our families. I know I need to chose good friends. In my earlier years I never imagined the pain that can come from family. Very sad but common.

 

[ladee]

Update; sent him a long text this morning sharing my feelings and my love and hope for him to find a more peaceful life.
I simply listened for the past few weeks. With love and healthy detachment.
He is on a fast moving roller coaster and I did not get on it with him. I listened. I heard his pain, his fear, his lies and justifications. I listened and truly get it, that he is scared and nothing is changing.
He has his journey. Its ten times harder because he makes it that way. He really tried to start an argument with me last night and was getting so frustrated that I wouldn't participate.
I could go on for a million more words about this.
Doesn't matter. We are all responsible for the choices we make.
I am going no contact. But it is different this time. Not hurt or angry, just very clear about my limitations and being very clear that he needs to do it his way.
So far I am calm. The guilt will hit me at some point. But I will try to remind myself that I can not help him. And I need some peace. I told him that I love him. Because I do. He Will read into it whatever suits him to keep the cycle going.
I want to thank each of you who has participated, in helping me lay a firmer foundation for this issue so many of us have.
I have let go wth love. The end result is up to him and whatever he believes his Higher Power to be.
Feels very different this time. Hope y'all are here for me when the guilt sets in. I will be working on not letting that happen or dealing with it.
Sometimes we have to love someone enough to let them go .
Thank you all from my heart.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so grateful for this thread and think coming to it is like group therapy for me and for so many others here as well.

My heart goes out to all of you mothers who have done their best with what they had to deal with like me as well. I think it is progress when we can finally say I was a good enough mother. There is no perfect, nor normal, parent without flaws.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee I've been where you are. It's a tough road to be on. The emotions will hit you like a roller coaster. You will have good days, bad days and then the days that you just want to give up completely. It's bad enough when we don't get along with our kids, or they don't get along with us, but when grandchildren are involved it rips your heart out.

I remember this one time... My daughter and son I law had bought a used car, a nice one and they brought it over for me to see. I wasnt thrilled as I guess I should have been, but anyways. A few days later I called her and she was in a shitty mood when she answered the phone and told me she didn't have anytime to talk that her car had to go into the garage. I said, "Why does it have to go into the garage, you just got it?" That cost me 6 longs yrs of not seeing my grandchildren.... That's just one of the many times she did this to me. Sometimes it was weeks, or months, but mostly it was yrs. grandkids are now 25 and 23 and I haven't seen the 25 yr old since he was I think he was 18.

When they were little it would rip my heart out to be away from them, so I know where you are coming from. Everyone that has posted in this thread has heartbreak with kids/grandkids.

Try and stay strong and yes, remember that your mental healt comes first. Your peace of mind, your healing. And YOU come first. We all come first...... I'm so sorry that another human being is going through this. It just sucks....