Abuse From My Son

[shimmerz]

hat cost me 6 longs yrs of not seeing my grandchildren.... That's just one of the many times she did this to me.

I feel like I am staring down the barrel of a gun on this one. And, based on past history, I am certain that this will happen with my grandchildren as well.

I feel that by knowing that this will happen, that I am being irresponsible subjecting my grandchildren to this type of dynamic.

@She Cat, do you have any thoughts on this? Would it have been better to just back off at the beginning, knowing what you know now? I really don't want to be at the core of even more family fragmentation (on again off again, which I feel will be more damaging in the long run).

 

[Deleted member 541]

@shimmerz To be honest, I think it depends on just how good or how bad your realationship is with your kids. I gather it isn't great. The biggest thing is this... We really don't have a f*cking say in any of it. If the parents choose to leave you out, then there really isn't much that you can do.

I spoke to a lawyer, I read up on grandparent rights in my state. I prayed and I hoped. In the end it's the parents decision and if they don't want their kids around us, then that's it, Some places do enforce grandparents rights, so I would check on the laws where you are. Hang in there.....

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Grandparents have no rights in my state California. It has been pretty dicey at times with my daughter and I am lucky that I have limited access to them both. But when I did not get to see them, my heart was ripped apart. It is a living in a limbo hell.

All of you have strengths inside of you that are incredible to me.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Even in states where they do have rights, the court favor the parents say in all of it. At least that what the lawyer told me when I spoke to him. That was yrs ago, so things might have changed, but I doubt it.

It's really not so much about strength @gizmo. It's more about we don't have a choice.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

@She Cat I hear you loud and clear and I have often said that it is amazing at what I can do when I do not have a choice. Not good at all.

 

[ladee]

Just as in the past, the texts have started. The first one is always about how he missed me...check. Got that one.
Then the one about I need to deal with my issues and stop taking my past out on him...Check. Got that one.
New twist.. He went on FB and said "as of today everyone will be accountable for what they say to him". Not sure if that was a threat But time will tell.
He is very angry and it's all my fault. Uh NO , but he will blame me because that is what abusers do. Have been here before with him. Only God knows how this is going to unfold. But this is his journey and I have stopped interfering . or volunteering to take the brunt of his feelings.
Just staying steady with my choices and working thru my feelings the best I can.
No T's in this area that take Medicaide. So will keep looking.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@ladee Well, that didn't take very long!!!!!! Accountability.... I wonder, is he accountable for the things he says and does????? Keep strong, you can do this. If you can go through with all of this, he will learn that he can not verbally dump shit on you and get away with it. It takes time and patience and you will experience the roller coaster of emotions... But it can get better...

Hang in there!!!!!

 

[ladee]

No it didn't take long. But this is the pattern . Guess I like to stay in denial about how much he hates me.
Been battling self hatred today. A part of me is relieved that he will now punish me with silence. Just another part of this sickening game.
Have tried to keep myself occupied, my mind on other things so I can do what I need to do.
But can also day , with honesty, I am do tired of this unresolved crap. I'll be better in a few days. Just tired of it always on my mind.
Thanks from my heart for the support.

 

[mamachick]

I want to a downtown block party to listen to the last band night of the season. I have not seen or heard from my daughter in 3 yrs. Crowds of people standing around listening to music, my friend said, "Isn't that your daughter" It sure was, and she was talking with some people and acting quite normal. Then her boyfriend spotted me. Soon my daughter was waving her arms, kept her back to me, laughing dramatically in a false like way. My friends know how hurt I am and asked if I wanted to leave but I knew sooner or later we would be in the same place even though I don't go out much. Then she flaunted past me at least a couple of times, assuring that she did not make eye contact. It was so ridiculously immature. One friend had never witnessed her performance, and another one admits to being afraid of her. I love my daughter, but realized that if she was not my daughter, I would not like her as a person. She is a self centered brat! She is very fake and sets out to attack and hurt others regularly. When I came home I got physically sick. It is not just her behavior, but an accumulation of things. The good news is that I am not reacting to her or her fathers crap. I am moving forward with a divorce and he blames her for it, and she blames him for her choices. I have confused blame in the past, but now taking responsibility only for me. I am sure far from perfect, but done being the scapegoat.

Its painful being in the same place and having no contact, but more painful is seeing how abnormal her behavior is for her age and for being an attorney in the community. She thinks she will be a Senator some day, but has no insight as to how foolish she appears, and that was pointed out to me by a few. Seeing this is as painful as no contact. Actually, the no contact is feeling much more comfortable. Now if I can just stop contact with her father, maybe life will begin to look up. I am beginning to see that there are some kind people out there. They are not all abusive as my family.

 

[ladee]

I'm so sorry @brat17, and for her to know you were there and act like that. In many ways it hurts too to see how mentally ill they are.
But I absolutely get it about not being the scapegoat any more. Guess we have both resigned that job. It also tears our heart out to see how cruel they can be.
But we are going to move away from this spotlight they have on us. They may never change but we will.
No matter what we did or didn't do as moms, our kids are responsible for their own lives now. It hurts My whole body.
Who knew we were going to have to suffer twice.
Thank God we have each other. Sending you lots of gentle hugs.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@brat17 I'm sorry that you are another one that is living through this kind of surreal nightmare. My daughter is one of those that when she would go no contact, and see me, she would walk by me and laugh in my face. It would cut me to the core. Until I learned that her behavior was not acceptable.

The one time she did this, I had just met my sister and had handed her several hundred dollars to give to my daughter for Christmas to buy gifts. Even though my kid hadn't spoken to me in a few yrs, I always made sure that at all holidays she got $$ for gifts. Either a family member or a friend would do this for me. Anyways, I had just given my sister the money and we went into the mall to do some shopping. We hadn't been there for more than 1/2 hour and my daughter and son in law walked right by us and LAUGHED right in my face. My sister went ballistic. I tried to stop her by grabbing her arm, but she shook it off and went after them. I stood there feeling ripped from asshole to appetite. I wanted to die, the pain was so unreal. I couldn't imagine how she could be that cruel.

So yes, I get just how you feel.... Stand tall with your head up high. Don't react, don't fall into their shit, because it's really what they want. They need the reaction from us to fuel their behavior. Don't fall for it..... You did great, keep up the good work... And hang in there.

 

[mamachick]

@ladee, you are absolutely right. When I had regular contact with her, the focus of all problems were on me, Im the crazy one of course. Its like I could not see her for exactly who she was, I was in some denial even though I thought her behavior was so unacceptable. But after 3 yrs away from her, her mental illness was obvious even in a crowd of people. It was histrionic at least. I am so sorry that any of us have this kind of relationship, or not have a decent relationship.

@She Cat, you can really relate then. Laughing in your face is horrible and blatantly disrespectful. I am so sorry for your experience. That just makes my heart hurt for you. My friends could see what she was doing, but she did not make it visible to the general public, but clearly a couple by standers knew as they came by and gave me a hug.. I can understand how your sister would go ballistic, she must have felt very protective of you. I hope that you no longer give $$ for holidays, as these children do not deserve. I have some gifts I have bought and never given, and clearly won't at this point. Not because I am withholding or have conditions, but because being her doormat is no longer an option. In this case, I am pretty sure her fiancé encourages her behavior.

She Cat, may I ask how long it has been since you went no contact? you don't have to share and I understand.

I am thinking that seeing her out in this way may be what I needed to create a shift in my thinking about her. That is a good thing. She has talked dirt on me so much and thinks I care, but truth is that after awhile, you learn that such caring is just an insult to the ego, not the soul, and I am not searching for a bigger ego, but she is. Prayers for all the suffering moms.