Abuse Survivor, Baffled By Love, Not Used To Gifts, Compliments, Etc...

[Tinyflame]

Actually Emma, there are far more people than you know who haven't spoken with family or relatives for even decades, or have some 'toxic connections' or baggage or ample hurt within their family relationships, but they usually don't talk about it.

You said your bf said his mother would be 'horrified', so I would let it be. A question can include an answer- but does not require disclosure. If your bf knows, he may tell his family small details that will make it easier for you.
In the meantime, it sounds like they love you, 'as is', just go with that. If they are healthy and well-balanced, and think their son is happier because you are in his life, and they like you, that's all that's needed, for now. You and your bf are adults, and have to choose what you feel is right for each other, and your relationship.
Chances are they are happy, because he is happy, and because they genuinely like you, and they're respecting proper boundaries.

 

[doglover]

Emma, how did you let yourself be open to such a positive and warm family? What sort of things would you say contributed to your openness to love from these people?

I ask in the sense of, you know (maybe), people who go through abuse are not always very trusting or tend to pick toxic people to be around. How did you move beyond that stuff?

 

[Airplane789]

Junebug, you are so right. I sometimes feel isolated because of the extreme nature of my experiences. I feel like I am surrounded by white picket fences but that is far from reality. Everyone has struggled one way or another, some worse than anyone else could guess, and there is no way to compare one person's journey to another's... At the very beginning my bf told his mother that I had a difficult time with mine and it makes me sad to talk about it so she has never brought it up. You are right, they told me they can see that I make their son happy therefore they are happy and we are all on the same page in that we are optimistic about our future together.

doglover, I use marijuana, visine, and body spray so that I am more relaxed while no one (except my bf) has a clue and I also use generic xanax in order to tolerate simply being in a family environment - for me, any family themed environment is a trigger connected to memories of death threats, beatings and flying objects, etc. After growing up abused I had no concept of personal boundaries so I had a few abusive guys in my life, but each one a little less horrible than the last... And when I made the decision (exactly one year ago) to not be limited by my middle eastern cultural upbringing in choosing a partner, amazingly, it only took a couple months for me to end up with my bf now. He is not middle eastern. As the years passed (after getting far far away from my toxic bio family) I learned to look out for 'red flags' and my tolerance for such behaviors lessened more and more. I've also been in therapy off and on for 10 years which made a huge difference in my recovery. Today, I believe I am in a 100% functional, healthy relationship and I don't ever worry about my bf raising his voice at me or either of us doing anything deceitful or horrible. In short, I trust him, but I have never felt that for anyone else before. It's pretty awesome.

 

[LizardViolet]

Great to hear how far you have come, and that you're in a healthy situation now. Well done.

 

[doglover]

That's pretty darn awesome, Emma!

 

[Lav]

Hello Emma,

I have read your posts, and I can understand what you are saying. The word family alone is a trigger for me. When I first met a healthy functioning family I really realised that mine was so wrong on every level. It was difficult to comprehend, totally alien to me. I still to this day get uncomfortable at times when people are nice to me, especially when I am complimented. Yes there are some people I get suspicious of at times, but I have learnt to say thank you. Embrace the good when it's there and deal with the bad when/if it comes, all that kind of stuff etc..

I wish the best for you.

 

[Airplane789]

Thanks so much, everyone!

I think that insisting upon a healthy environment for myself, especially in my personal life and at home, is enabling me to heal. It seemed impossible to heal from past trauma while I was still being abused one way or another.

Sometimes I think of the analogy of a delicate flower that needs good soil, sun and water to grow again after having been smashed up by some evil people with scary spades.

 

[Tinyflame]

:inlove: I like that a lot. :)

 

[Zef]

Emma,
Your post sounds very familiar to me. I was visiting the family of someone I was dating and they were so healthy that it scared me away. :) I could not process a family that appeared to support each other and was incredibly welcoming to me.

Also, I'm extremely uncomfortable with compliments and gifts. After a couple years with my t, I am better about it now, but I really, really don't like to accept them. For me, I think it has something to do with attention. Getting attention was a very bad thing when I was growing up, so I go out of my way to avoid or deflect attention now.

 

[Airplane789]

Zef, re: avoiding attention, I never thought about that before, but it makes sense!

I hope that you are exposed to more supportive, welcoming families in the future because I think it is a better system ;-) I have not spoken with my parents in 3 years. I would like to have kids one day, perhaps in the next 5 years or so. I would not like my parents to have contact with the hypothetical kids because I am determined to break the cycle. Well I already have broken it and it must remain broken with me. No more bad vibes.