Sufferer Abused Child Turned Grown-up

[Garblefraz]

Hello, my name is Michael. I am 26 years old.

I suffered abuse and neglect from my parents when I was a child. Been in weekly therapy for about six years now, both individual and group based. Have a great therapist (probably the best trauma therapist in my area) but not a lot of support beyond that. I feel very vulnerable because I am isolated and alone most of the time and I have difficulty finding opportunities to meet people :(

I've heard the word 'schizoid' used additionally to describe my behaviour. I live in my own little fantasy world, which is a coping mechanism, but with prolonged lack of contact it eventually "dries up" and I kind of get dumped back in the horrifying real world, which is what is happening for me this week. At the moment I greatly desire social contact, but friendship on the other hand is a difficult thing for me--it often feels like being shackled. I like being in group situations e.g. study courses because I can be in a social environment and contribute (I want to make people laugh) but can tune out or leave when I want to. I'm also a huge know-it-all, which I owe in part to my dad for constantly giving me these little "pop quizzes" that I had to get right or else he would punish me.

Overall I can be a very enthusiastic and outgoing person ("infectious" as some people have said) but also very despondent and hypersensitive. Sometimes both at the same time.

 

[LizardViolet]

Welcome Michael.

What is it you would like from relationships with other people? Friendship? Support? People you can trust? Romantic relationship(s)? Folks to just hang out and socialize with?

 

[Garblefraz]

Hey LizardViolet, thanks for your reply and nice to meet you :)

"Folks to just hang out and socialize with" sounds great at the moment! I've been using telephone counselling services a lot lately and got a few numbers to call for different opportunities, like writing groups and stuff. Interested to check it all out but it can be reeeeally tough because I'm usually working against my inner voice that seems to be constantly reminding me of all the "reasons" why I shouldn't be doing stuff like that.

Anyway I had a big day today might see if I can find some other part of the forum to write about it.


How about yourself? Do you have a circle of friends or social stuff you enjoy doing? :)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Michael,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. It is great that you have a trauma T working with you. Have you brought this subject up to your T?

The forum is also a good place to get your feet wet as you start to interact with people again. But don't limit yourself to the internet. It is important to get out and interact in real life too. Volunteering can provide a great opportunity to interact with people and can be done at a level that you are comfortable with.

Take care and looking forward to hearing more from you.

Debbie

 

[Garblefraz]

Hi Debbie nice to meet you :)

I brought it up with my therapist today actually! Very intense session.

I don't plan on limiting myself to just here (I've been a "netizen" for wayyy too long) but like I said it can be real tough! Volunteering may be interesting too. At this point I'd consider anything I find. For instance before I was only interested in community college if it was for creative writing or something like that but now I'm more like "if it gets me out and talking to people--or at least being around them--then its probably better than being isolated."

Thanks for your reply.

 

[Abrasky]

Hi Garblefraz,
Welcome, I understand what it is like naturally social but not wanting to be social. It is hard isn't it? Take care. I found volunteering at a computer job really helpful as I didn't have to look at anyone, other jobs like taking pets for walks was also very relaxing if you eventually you could do this.

Wish you luck with your councelling and hope that you find support on the forum.

 

[bitzer]

... I live in my own little fantasy world ... but with prolonged lack of contact it eventually "dries up" ...

A phrase coined by Betty-Jean Lifton for the fantasy world is the "ghost kingdom":

• - we can dissociate to a "ghost kingdom" where we feel safe
• - we can use dissociation to escape from a sense of feeling overwhelmed by people/events into a "ghost kingdom" where we have control of who/what is in control
• - if we've lost trust in the environment/people around us we can dissociate to a "ghost kingdom" populated by people we can trust/events that are predictable.

It's a useful defence mechanism in the short-term, but our core Self always yearns for real-world contact with people. I salute your courage in reaching out.

 

[Garblefraz]

Hey guys :D I felt really fortunate to find your messages when I came online because I just watched a movie that made me feel really horrible--I would like say "horrible" in a cathartic sense, but no it just seems like my head is about to explode.

I feel like I am among kindred spirits even though I just read the forum rules and all the stuff it said about people who delude themselves into thinking this is their "safe place". I understand what that means, but for a minute when I just logged on and saw these messages I felt like I had found dry land.

Maze, you've reminded me to look for something involving animals. I am a huge "dog person"--I'm also a cat person, but when I see dogs they often make me want to cry, it hurrrrrts!!!!!

Bitzer, "ghost kingdom" is a dead-on description, PUN INTENDED. I actually have a tentative name for my ghost kingdom: Thanatos, the land of the dead. I often dream about being a spirit and the benefits of no longer being shackled to one's body. I really do want to be real--what I call "dreams come true" (as in something better than just fantasy--which often feels like grasping at straws), but often it seems like I am merely waking up to a living nightmare.

Right now I am re-experiencing stuff, so I might just have a chat to someone on the phone about it then maybe write something down. I hate to say it, but it might be too painful right now for me not to dissociate a bit... assuming I can even look away! I've done a lot of work this week though--no one could accuse me of slacking off. Every day this week has felt about as epic as The Lord Of The Rings, and not in a nice way.

 

[bitzer]

... the benefits of no longer being shackled to one's body. I really do want to be real ... a living nightmare ... no one could accuse me of slacking off.

I'm here to tell you that - even though I know that life will always be an uphill struggle and I will never be free to have the relationships I yearn for - there is hope. I know it might seem impossible where you are now, but life can be worth living.

Maybe the only person accusing you of "slacking off" is a part of you. You might want to tell that critical part of your mind to shut up, and tell the part of you that feels accused that you, Michael, are not accusing it of anything and that it's OK to take time to smell the roses.