Abuser Has A New Girlfriend?

[NicG]

HELP. The title basically says it all.

She's a girl I've met once or twice, I'm told she's had self-esteem issues. And she's been chasing my abuser for years (he's good at being "charming"), despite him being quite mean to her in the past.

I don't want her to get hurt like I did. But nobody in their circle of friends knows what happened.

Is it definitely true that he'll end up abusing her too? What do I do, try to warn her or back away? I feel like I can't just leave her to find it out all by herself... any advice?????

 

[cherryblossom]

It's a difficult situation for you.

Please remember that whatever happens, he is responsible for his actions. If he does abuse her, the blame lies entirely with him. Nothing he chooses to do is your fault.

Before you do anything, you must think about your own safety. If you talk to the girl, is he likely to harm you again? If you talk to her, she might tell him, then he might come after you? If this is even a remote possibility, then you mustn't put yourself in danger. You know what he might be capable of.

I do understand that you want to try to protect her, and warn her, but it could backfire, with bad consequences for you, and possibly her.

Of course the other option (and probably the safest) would be to report him to the Police. I understand that is a scary prospect, but it might be the only way for both you and the girl to be safe from this evil scum-bag.

 

[Hashi]

I think you should do whatever's best for you, either way. The person responsible for his behaviour is him, not you, and I don't see how you can protect other people from him or watch over his relationships for the rest of his life.

Of course you could try warning her. I'm afraid this may not be very comforting, but I don't think it's likely to make a difference. Unless you have particular reasons to think it would?

she's been chasing my abuser for years... despite him being quite mean to her in the past.

If you warned her, I think you would need to manage your expectations of the outcome. She might dismiss or explain away what you say. If he hears that you said something, he might turn it round on you and the chances are that he's the one she'll believe.

Are you prepared for her possibly sharing what you say with other people, if you do warn her?

Are you prepared for her to possibly disbelieve you, and perhaps even decide that you wronged him?

Are you prepared for the possibility of him finding out what you said to her?

If so, and you do want to say something to her, then I'd be as smart as possible in the way you warn her. Meaning that rather than tell her things that affected you the worst, I'd try to think about the mostly likely thing that might get through to her. But I'm afraid I still wouldn't have much hope that it will have any effect.

I don't know your story and I'm wondering how you know about his new relationship. Are you unable to remove yourself from knowing anything about him? Is there any element of choice in knowing what he's up to now?

 

[DeedeeRSM]

I think you should focus on yourself getting better and leave them be. It's none of your business to care for someone else while you have so much healing to do imo. Besides, she won't believe you, I guarentee it, and they will speak of you as being jealous, or nosy, or not over him etc etc. You are important here. Take care of you. Let others take care of themselves when it's a situation that could do you harm if involved.

 

[Powder]

I say walk away and ignore it. I would usually say to warn, except she was already warned by his actions toward her. You said he did things that were not good to her in the past, but she has chased him anyway. That was enough warning. If she still chased him, then she will not listen to you. In fact, she will definitely misread your intentions as jealous, controlling, etc. She has had her warning, and is pursuing the danger anyway.

On another note, I am proud of you and glad that you feel compassion for others and that you also can see that sometimes those with issues and prior trauma or instability seem to run toward the very thing that harmed us in the first place. Rather than get all judgmental about this, you are able to feel compassion, responsibility, and concern for other humans. I think this says that you are a good person and the very reason you raises this conflicted issue here is that you know what's best and right for yourself, but you needed a place to air this so that you can still be that compassionate person, even if you show it by walking away.

If she did not have any indication of what she was getting into, then I would take this consideration into the realm of "Is this a safe decision?" and such as proposed above. But since she knows what she's dealing with, I wouldn't even bother. I'd say, you are released from any responsibility toward her. She wants to play her cards at a risky table, and you can't choice or decide her life for her.

You are a kind person and deserve to be only around kindness. So, I'd recommend divorcing yourself entirely from the circle that included that abuser.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like he has already been mean to her, and yet she still chases him. She already has reasons to run away, but isn't. I wonder of her dating him might be some sort of trauma reenactment for herself. Either way, in light of her ignoring warning signs she already has experienced, I'm doubtful she will seriously consider the input of an ex-girlfriend, especially because he has probably already talked bad about you.

Someone told you she has low self eastern? Does that person seem like someone who knows she might be extra vulnerable to abuse and might be in a better position to help protect her than you?

I can really deeply understand your the concern, and I too would be compelled to tell someone, anyone, to try and protect future victims from him. Telling the police or someone might be worthwhile, but it could put you in harms way - and that wouldn't be good. Please protect you first and foremost. It is a tough situation - my heart goes out to you.

 

[NicG]

@Hashi Thankyou all for the help and warnings about what might happen at my end. Unfortunately I am still exposed a little to his life as I'm good friends with his younger siblings and a few of his old friends (who now mostly talk to me rather than him, since apparently "I'm the more respectable person").

A couple of my friends in much more stable places found out about it and someone called her to offer their support should my ex get violent or abusive. This person is an ex-police officer so I guess they'll know when getting law enforcement is a good idea.

she won't believe you, I guarentee it,

I've taken everyone's advice and taken myself out of the equation. I've told everyone involved to never mention my name if it comes up. You guys had a good point when you said that she'll just think I'm jealous or nosy or hateful since she's already so wrapped up with him.

I am proud of you and glad that you feel compassion for others

Thankyou so much EVERYONE for all your kind words, it's really helped me to be able to let go of the situation and has really encouraged me to trust my ability to be a good person :) I feel like you've all saved me a lot of grief with getting too involved!!!!

 

[Powder]

Sounds like you have it well in hand. :)