Abuser Targeting Niece

[Gamera3000]

I've been writing and rewriting this post, unsure how to talk about it.

My two oldest brothers sexually abused me over the age of 18, but with grooming starting when I was a teenager, mostly online. This was back when the Internet was new for most people.

I just found out today that one of the two has been "facebook friends" with our niece, who is 17. I had to do a lot of texting, emailing, and calling around to make sure key people in the family remembered what happened to me and would make sure he knew not to contact her again and that she knows not to talk to him (or anyone else from our family, is what I privately told her). This really sucked, not only because I had to say what happened to me over and over, but because I didn't feel like anyone I talked to had the correct reaction- which should have been OH H*LL NO.

I feel like this abuser has reached out from the bowels of Hell to grab at someone I love because he's, I don't know, bored or looking for attention or whatever goes on in his mind. My husband told me I should change my phone number and get a fresh email address. Sometimes I get weary of my sister, who is quite frankly always doing selfish sh*tty things to the dudes she's with and having abortions and whatnot and I have to just support her no matter what I think. But I LOVE her kids. They're such good, smart, special little things. Many times I only keep talking to my sister because I love her kids.

Has anyone else severed ALL family ties, including to family members they like, to make a clean getaway from a bad family? Has anyone else been successful just keeping up with the good ones and staying away from the bad ones?

 

[ladee]

I have no contact with any of my family..except for one nephew.
We just get along. Everyone else is so toxic I can barely breathe just thinking about them.

 

[Sea_lady]

My closest relatives are either dead, or too toxic. I've severed all family ties with the living ones.

The situation you are currently living is very difficult and I imagine, very stressful for you. Have you ever tried to speak directly to your niece to warn her? If she's a teenager, she is old enough to hear you speaking about the danger of sexual predators, and if she trusts you, I hope she will believe you and take her distance with this man.

 

[Deleted member 541]

I've had to walk away from my entire family too. That has included my adult daughter. None of us get along for any length of time. Toxic behaviors come out like crazy in all of us when we're together... just too much childhood shit....

 

[Freedomfighter]

I've been writing and rewriting this post, unsure how to talk about it.

My two oldest brothers sexu...

Yep, had to cut ties completely with my biological family. I was always surprised how I still managed to have a good childhood despite all of the crap. But my father is so toxic I can barely breathe when I am close.

You are describing a very common problem, something that I have witnessed from many predators, that insatiable need for more attention, for more power, for more victims. Wie call predators like that a Trieb Täter, always driven by their insatiable sexual needs and who knows what kind of mental problems someone like that has.
You are doing the right thing about warning your niece, I did the same thing for the child of my brother, whether or not he took that advice is up to him...

 

[Gamera3000]

Have you ever tried to speak directly to your niece to warn her?

Yes. It was the most descriptive I ever got with anyone. She had driven halfway across the country to visit me out of the blue, I believe to talk to me about a sexually exploitative relationship she had gotten into with an adult. Since emotions were high, I'm not sure how much she absorbed. I followed it up by sending her some books about grooming, recovering from sexual abuse, and what to do if you can't in general have a good relationship with your parents. I think the latter was the foothold the two people who abused her were using. She stopped seeing the man and seemed to appreciate my help. When I text-talked to her yesterday she seemed to understand and react appropriately, but I suspect that she has gotten good at seeming okay. So I can't really tell how she is. I think maybe all I can do is keep clearly telling her whenever it comes up?

 

[Gamera3000]

Wie call predators like that a Trieb Täter, always driven by their insatiable sexual needs and who knows what kind of mental problems someone like that has.

A perpetrator of lust? I don't speak German very well and had to look this up. But yes. A person who has a drive to always mess around with people and push as far as they can to use them up.

 

[Missycat]

@Gamera3000 , you have absolutely done the right thing in talking to her. All you can do now is continue to be there for her, to listen and support.
The only person i dont have contact with is the person that abused me. However my family do as it was never reported and no one knows , my parents know but still keep in touch with him. They dont know im in therapy or have ptsd either. Im pretty good sometimes at putting a good facade up.

 

[Sea_lady]

@Gamera3000 I agree with @Missycat, you did all you could to protect your niece. Well done for that; many people would have done nothing, but you stepped up and I think your niece may always feel grateful for that.

I believe it is important you let your niece know that you will always be here for her, that you love her like a daughter, and if she ever needs to speak, you are here for her. I think it's important to find the right distance, not only for her but also for your own good.

 

[Cannottakethis]

Severed ties with my parents and sister. This means I can't see my cousins or extended family because it will always be a family thing and I won't go.
My sanity is worth it.
Luckily I have my husbands family but even if I didn't, I'd rather be alone.

 

[Gamera3000]

I believe it is important you let your niece know that you will always be here for her, that you love her like a daughter, and if she ever needs to speak, you are here for her. I think it's important to find the right distance, not only for her but also for your own good.

You know what? You're right. I'm going to get her a card and tell her just that. Sometimes it means more to have it in writing instead of a text. Thank you.