Abusive Fantasies

[pi314159]

I know it's wrong and disgusting and I'm ashamed but why can't I stop myself? Why does it take the anxiety away?

 

[Nyx]

I don't quite understand. What takes the anxiety away? You play out abusive fantasies with your partner or do you ground yourself by imagining stuff?

 

[peupeu]

I have sometimes "daydreams" where someone abuse me. I shame those very much. But they all stop there that some gentle (and good looking :)) man help me. Maybe I want to dream how it should happen long time ago... In those days no-one helps me, I was all alone. No charming prince with white horse...

 

[pi314159]

It's a hard thing to talk about and I have spent countless hours on the internet trying to prove to myself that I'm not alone.

There is no rescuer in my thoughts - instead I get the punishment I deserve (the abuse is so bad that people this time might actually care that I was hurt). For some reason the bad thoughts make me feel safe.

Anyway, it's obviously not something that makes a lot of sense, especially if you don't have the same problem. But for anyone who does, I found this blog, hopefully you feel less alone after reading it:

[DLMURL]http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2009/01/08/sex-after-sexual-abuse-role-of-negative-fantasies/[/DLMURL]
[DLMURL]http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2009/01/09/sex-after-sexual-abuse-letting-go-of-negative-fantasies/[/DLMURL]

 

[Nyx]

I'm sorry, it seems a tough thing to fight. Does your partner know about your history, about the fantasies?

 

[pi314159]

I told my boyfriend about my stupid thoughts. He accepts that I have them but doesn't understand exactly what I think or why I would think it. I don't blame him.Hopefully I can make them go away over time. I'm working towards eliminating them.

 

[Nyx]

Don't put yourself down like that, they are not just "stupid thoughts", they are a way of coping. It's good you are working with them, though, I hope you succeed soon.

 

[jadebear]

I don't think your thoughts are 'stupid' pi. I understand somewhat.

I don't always have abusive fantasies, but often it's the only way I'm able to have sex at all. Sometimes I even like to have them acted out and I always feel shame and guilt afterwards.

It's hard to grasp why I would get off on stuff like that, but I do. Maybe it's a way to gain control over the abuse? I don't know though.

 

[pi314159]

I can't do anything sexual unless I feel like a victim and like I have no control. My whole sense of self value is based on being sexually desirable and someone wanting me at any cost. It's ridiculous.

Reading what I wrote I guess a long time ago I decided to believe that people chose to abuse me because I was special and they loved me - that I was worth breaking the rules for. In reality I understand this is not the case, that I was abused because they didn't care about me at all - but a huge part of me is hanging on to the lie. I really don't know if I could handle thinking about it without the lie.

I'll probably regret posting this but I'm going to do it anyway since there is a chance that someone may relate to what I'm writing and it may help them understand they're not alone.

 

[jadebear]

Don't regret posting. Every time I have regretted posting(which has been often), that's when I've ended up being helped the most. If it's hard/embarrassing/.shameful to talk about, then that's what we should be talking about.

I'm the opposite, I didn't think I was abused because I was special or anything, I believed it was because that was all I was good for. That was my purpose in life. That's how life was. That's just what 'they'(males) do.

I guess in a way, I get some sort of sick comfort/pleasure/purpose from it. Seeing my husband enjoy it makes me enjoy it, even though I feel horrible afterwards.

 

[pi314159]

Hi Jadebear,
Thanks for your post. I guess there are more levels to my craziness than I really knew because I also truly believe that my purpose in life is to let people use me anyway they want. I definitely expect to be abused by everyone. I think I've spent my life coming up with as many explanations as I can to avoid really feeling hurt about what happened. I've reframed my abuse a million different ways. I tell myself that all I'm good for is being an object for people to derive sexual pleasure from but then to make myself feel better about that I tell myself that people choose to abuse me because I'm special. Although I'm smart enough to know this isn't the case, so then I tell myself again how much I derserve the abuse and then think about how I'm inadequate and that's why my abuse wasn't bad enough. I just keep cycling through all these stupid, stupid, stupid thoughts.

 

[rainbow1]

Hi Pi314,
I just wanted to say thank you for posting this as I have similar feelings and I felt completely alone until now. I often find that when i'm frightened I feel physically aroused and therefore sex becomes less painful and I enjoy it more. I'm not sure if that is because my body became used to having sex whilst feeling so scared and hurt.

I've been trying to find a way to discuss this with my T but haven't been able to put it into words until now. You describe it much better than me but I understand the feeling of being sexually desirable and special because they have broken the rules to be with me.

My previous T entered into a purely sexual relationship with me for 2 years and I thought I loved him. I try and hold onto the feeling that sex with him was not painful and therefore good, but in reality I need to accept that what he did was also wrong. Going to try and raise the subject this week with my current T who is very professional and safe.

Rainbow